Sexy Time: How to Make Friends With Benefits Work

I’ll be upfront. I’ve only done the friends with benefits thing once, and it sucked.  I’m a serious commitment kind of girl. If I’m going to date someone, I want it to lead somewhere. That said, I understand that not everyone feels the same way, and sometimes you just want a consistent hookup who will treat you like a human being. It sounds simple, sure, but we like to make things far more complicated than necessary when sex is involved. Friends with benefits can be a healthy, fun, enjoyable situation for everyone involved, as long as you keep a few rules in mind.

1. Be on the same page.
My ill-fated FWB fling was awful because we didn’t really define our relationship as such. We had started off as acquaintances, and ended up making out at a party. Then he texted me saying he wanted to see me again.  And suggested dinner and a movie. Naturally, I assumed that meant he was laying the groundwork for dating. But after the “date”, I didn’t hear from him for another week, and didn’t see him until a week after that. You’re probably reading this and rolling your eyes at my naivete. Like, duh, I should have picked up on the fact that he just wasn’t that into me. I should have asked him what it was that we were doing, and saved myself a whole summer of insecurity, instability, and hurt feelings. Communicating can save us a lot of turmoil, so sometime in the beginning stages of your FWBship, define it.

2. Keep it shallow.
FWBs are supposed to be stringless, carefree, and fun. So it’s probably not the best idea to make your FWB someone you’d be  comfortable sharing your deepest problems and secrets with, or heaven forbid, an ex.  Distant acquaintances are the best candidates, and keep your non-sexy time activities minimal. It’s fine to do dinner and a movie, but don’t start integrating your FWB into your daily life – a successful FWB situation is heavy on the benefits, light on the actual friendship part.

3. Be honest with yourself.
We all want to believe that we’re strong enough to avoid falling for the other person. It’s just casual, sexy fun.But, let’s be real. Sex is intimate. Repeatedly engaging in an intimate act with someone repeatedly? Is likely to bring some feelings to the surface. Which is fine. The thing is, it’s also totally possible to not develop any sort of roantic feelings, and if two people with two drastically different perspectives keep hooking up, it will get messy.  So if you feel yourself becoming attached, let the other person know and disengage. Prolonging a one-sided dalliance will only lead to heartbreak and despair.

4. Think short-term.
FWBs are generally meant to scratch an itch while each party looks for something more permanent. This arrangement is meant to pass time, kind of like a marathon of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, but with less investment. Don’t think too far into the future, because who knows when you, or the other person, will grow out of the arrangement, or find someone they’re actually interested in dating

5. Be considerate
The key difference between a booty call and a FWB relationship is the implication that the two parties have established that they like each other enough to see each other on a semi-regular basis (also, that they meet outside the bedroom occasionally).  So if you find yourself gravitating toward someone else, break it off with the FWB gently and honestly.  Or if you just find yourself over it, deal. There’s no reason to prolong a situation out of cowardice or fear of ruining a relationship (especially if you took rule #2 to heart).



  1. Cara says:

    I also did the FWB thing briefly…it sucked. I agree with all of the points you have made, but mostly 1, 2 +3. I think in the end one of you is going to get hurt.

  2. Michael says:

    Boo hoo, so someone get hurts, so what? Is getting "hurt" the end of the world?

  3. takingbacksingle says:

    I don't get FWB. If you only "like each other enough to see each other on a semi-regular basis" why would you want to have sex? And if you like each other more than that why not just date?
    Plus I doubt you are going to ask your FWB to get tested, and since you aren't monogamous they could pass STD's to you!

  4. Mel says:

    I think it can work. I had had a bad breakup my first year at uni and needed a distraction. I had made a good friend and we had obvious sexual tension but he wasn't someone I would have ever been interested in dating – we had very different interests and priorities. We hooked up for a few months, it was fun. We sometimes did just friend things like watching a movie or going out for dinner with friends. We had semi-regular late night booty-calls. Then we were living in different cities for a couple months and drifted apart. It just kind of fizzled. I had fun and it was what I needed at the time. Now if we see each other we say hey and chat for a bit and that's it. I'm quite happy about the whole situation.

  5. Jeremy says:

    Smart Lady, you are correct. Young women of today aren't looking at long term happiness. They want to act like guys and copy them in every possible way. Unfortunately, they have no idea what is to come. And it will come sooner than they think.

    Once a women reaches around 30-35, she quickly loses her youthful body and her physical beauty wanes. We will call this time the prequel to her Wiley Coyote moment. By this time, it would be good if she developed other qualities like a nice personality, cooking skills, calm and sweet disposition, honesty, integrity and even a sense of honour. All these traits are what men look for subconsciously in a woman. The blissfully unaware typical young woman of today who goes clubbing and relies on her physical beauty for everything from getting free stuff from guys to being treated well everywhere, develops none of these qualities. Instead, she is a whiny little bitch who expects things to fall into her lap. Since this strategy has worked for the last few years of her life starting in high-school or college, she subconsciously thinks it will never end.

    But end it does. When she loses her youthful and supple body, guys turn to the younger girls and give them the attention that this has-been used to get. She now starts to notice this pattern more and more (she's not getting any younger) but makes a subconscious effort to reverse this pattern by hanging out with younger and more attractive girls. But guys aren't fooled that easily. They will talk to her but go after the hotter ones. All this while, she is the Wiley Coyote that has run off the cliff but hasn't yet noticed. Then one day, she looks down and realizes that she is worthless as a woman, and falls rapidly towards the ground.

    This, my young ladies, is the Wiley Coyote moment. The older women in previous generations have been protecting the young women from this moment for generations in a variety of ways. One obvious method is to ensure that they get married while they still have their good looks. Other strategies were to develop other parts of the young women that were not lost with age. This combination helped secure a man AND keep him. Feminism of today is working against the young woman in developed nations like the countries in North America and Western Europe. Naturally, birth rates are declining rapidly in these countries and women are losing out their contribution to the genetic pool. The women who are still more traditional (i.e. those in developing and underdeveloped places like Africa, Asia, Middle East) are producing a lot more offspring with their value system. So balance will be restored in a biological way slowly but surely removing modern feminist ideals from the planet.

  6. Jeremy says:

    Although I have to confess that I love what this has done for guys like me who can get multiple women and choose from them. I get to have many different women in different places all of them knowing that I am not committed to them. This will continue for as long as I wish as my value will not fall as theirs will. I don't even look at the girls who are not attractive to me. But I know what they must be going through after they reached their Wiley Coyote moment.

    Any women care to share what's going on in your minds after you hit it? I would love to know. Unless you're still in denial.

  7. Amora says:

    I am with the guy who talks about the Wiley Coyote moment, although hormones does play abit in it. I have a FWB but the tough thing is when you develop feelings for your FWB, and they for you, then there’s that moment where you have to make the decision, wow, what do I do? For now we’re very good friends and FWB’s but he wants something more I guess and I don’t think I can give that to him. I’m still developing my intelligence, cooking skills, and I live with integrity. The sex is amazing, it’s like riding a rocket to the moon but the living together and getting to know the family kind of creeps me out.

  8. Suzie says:

    My FWB and I have amazing chemistry, but our personalities totally don't mesh. I think it works when you both like and respect each other enough to go at it saturday night, but you don't like each other enough to hang out sunday morning. Finding someone who meets that criteria can really help you both from developing feelings and keeping things light and fun.

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