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Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: July Edition

Happy July from Cosmo, er’body! To kick off the month, Cosmo had a fabulous tongue twister for me even before I could spread open the pages (hehe, Cosmo makes me feel so dirty). The first article title that popped by my hazy head on the cover was, ‘Your Breast Myths Busted.’ Whew, say that five times fast. Or six, if you’re extra ballsy. Trust me, you will have an insta-lisp.

After admiring Rihanna‘s uncanny ability to show off (an un-flattering for everyone else) upper mid-drift, I learned something new in the ‘101 Things About Men’ section. Apparently, his anogenital length (that’s right, the distance between his poop-hole and his genitals) determines his fertility. If it’s longer than two inches – the more likely you’ll end up with a bun in your oven. The longer, the better people. Pull out that ATM card, ladies, and measure up! So that’s what those 16 & Pregnant girls are doing these days…

Anyhooker, I also learned that men crave the tender love and sex in the month of July. Why, you ask? Contrary to my popular belief, not because it’s my birthday month. Apparently come July – men become sluggish and slightly depressed. Really!? Is that the excuse we’re using nowadays? Yea, I get sluggish too – and my hair frizzes out to Texas. GIVE ME A HUG.

When I finally turned the page after staring at Justin Bieber‘s new ad for perfume (which apparently makes people float and loudly sniff necks and breath),  I came across an article called Talking So He Will Listen.’ I have my own ideas for talking so he’ll listen (like while wearing a loin cloth or absentmindedly touching your boobs) but surprisingly, Cosmo had other ideas. Like, the simple things: assuming you share a brain, ignoring your body, speaking in code and essentially having an out of body experience whenever you converse with your man.

Later, an article had a body-language expert ruin six relationships as she analyzed pictures couples sent in (ones the couples were proud of) to see if they were going to last. In one photo she described the couple’s body language by saying, “She stands in front of him, demonstrating she likes to be the center of attention. There is definite tension here.” BOOM, relationship doubt, planted into the innocent minds of the couple together for five years.

That brings us to the article that get’s our popcorn poppin’ in bed, my favorite sexy-time nugget of glory: ‘The Sexiest Spots to Touch Him During Sex.” Because the spots you already touch him are…not sexy enough. I really hope Cosmo finds a cool way to incorporate erotic nostril touching into this…

Cosmo Says: Think of the base of his penis like your pubic mound.
Brittany Says: Woah. Woah. Woah. Wordage, Cosmo. WORDAGE. Pubic mound? This isn’t a construction zone.

Cosmo Says: Dart your tongue in and out like a snake, flicking it quickly. The fast movements will get him super hyped.
Brittany Says: And it will get YOU super hyped, too. Also, maybe if you do it fast enough you can start to smell things with your taste buds? Kind of like a rattle snake. Oh, how cool! I taste smells!

Cosmo Says: Press your lips together like you’re about to plant one on him, then place them directly over his P-spot and suck.
Brittany Says: First of all, how old are we? P-spot sounds like a naughty place in kindergarten you couldn’t go, or touch. Second of all, if this it the p-spot I’m thinking about, who wants to go anywhere near that with the same kissy face you come at your mother with? Muah!

Cosmo Says: Hand over your Cosmo with a flirty smile asking him to pinpoint the tips that sound fun. You’ll be able to see the kinds of touches he prefers.
Brittany Says: You’ll also find out if you guys should be together forever, or one more minute, “Hey honey, suck on my p-spot like Nemo.”

We’re done.

  • If I could eat toast and watch Shark Week all day, every day, my life would exceed perfection status.