Tuffy Luv Sez: Self Respect, Pleez!!
Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.
Dear Tuffy Luv,
I have been in a long distance (400 miles) relationship for almost 3 years, as you can imagine, everthing started off all pretty and perfect but a lot has changed over these years.
My boyfriend is the ‘Mummy’s boy’ type – the type that will start an argument if he doesn’t get his own way. It all started in Fall 2009 – things hadn’t been great between us, he broke up with me when I was on an important placement, then a week later started a relationship with a girl from his school (I had always suspected he was starting to like her.)
I tried to cut him out of my life – delete number, email, Facebook, blah blah blah. But he kept contacting me saying that he still loved me and regretted breaking up with me. In November 2009 we got back together, and everything was blissful again… or so I thought. He had told me that he regretted breaking up with me/didn’t know why he done it and that it was a rebound. The girl he broke up with me for told me that my boyfriend was sneaky and a liar (at first I didn’t believe it, but now I am starting to wonder whether she was right.)
Last year I was snooping on his Facebook (as you do when he leaves it signed on at yours… I know I shouldn’t but…) and I saw that he had sent a message to a girl that he always complained to me was a slag. Although the message was just a friendly ‘hey how are you’ type thing, my mouth still dropped. I asked him about the message and he said she had messaged him a few week’s ago and he had only just replied…. So I then asked the girl and she said that wasn’t true.
Anyway, I forgave and forgot, Lauren Conrad style and we moved on. A couple of month’s down the line I receive an email from a girl at his school telling me that my boyfriend had just admitted sending sexual texts to another girl a couple of months into the beginning of our relationship in 2008. When I confronted him about it he said he was ‘lonely’ and that he hadn’t done it again.
Finally. Last night I got an email from an online dating site, asking me to join as my boyfriend had just signed up. WTF. I went onto his profile and he had listed himself as ‘single’ and looking for a private relationship. I asked him about it and he said to me that he just done it cause he was bored and thought it would be funny to see what type of people used it… he also said I was over-reacting when I said I was angry.
All of my friends tell me I should break up with him (and I know I should) but it is like he is a magnet and I just cant bring myself away from him. Please, please help me. What do you think I should do in this situation?
I am just fed up of him thinking he can not respect me or our relationship. I would be so grateful for advice.
B.I.T.C.H – Babe In Total Control of Herself (Almost.)
He is making a fool out of you.
I mean, how many times do you have to catch the guy before you get it through your thick skull that you are allowing him to cheat on you?!
He obviously has no respect for you. He’s more than happy to talk to multiple girls, and probably even hook up, secure in the knowledge that you’ll just forgive him. Because he thinks you’re stupid. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but this is the truth. He think you’re stupid.
He does not love you. He does not care about you. He is playing you and you’re letting him.
You don’t have to put up with this, Babe. I know he’s a “magnet” or whatever other thing you’ve convinced yourself of, but, aside from actual abuse, this is about as bad as it gets. You have no reason to stay with him. He isn’t treating you well. He’s playing the shoop out of you. And you’re clearly not happy.
The subject header of your email was “Why do I stay with him?” Well, honestly, Babe, I don’t know. Without actually knowing you, I’d guess low self-esteem. And this is perhaps the saddest part of this whole flooping letter. There are plenty of men (and women) out there who will treat you like shoop if you let them. But the question is, WHY LET THEM? Why are you letting him?? You’re asking me, but I think this is really something you’re going to have to work out for yourself. Otherwise you’re doomed to repeat the pattern.
Let me tell you a story from Aunt Tuffy’s life. Aunt Tuffy knows someone, a much much older someone, who has been “dating” a man for 10 years. This man never lets her come back to his place. She has not been introduced to his family. Sometimes he doesn’t call her for a few months, and then sometimes he calls every day telling her how much he loves her. She has been waiting around for this man for a decade, rejected other men who have wanted to date her, because she is convinced that this man is the love of her life, even though all signs tell her that not only is she not the love of his but that he is probably married. This man is also “just bored,” and, in the meantime, she has completely allowed him to dominate her thoughts and ruin her life.
Don’t let this be you, Babe. Break up with this guy and, even more importantly, get into therapy. Or, if not therapy, keep a journal, or start writing things down every single time you feel unworthy. Because this is not a lifestyle you want to maintain.
And please, please. Do this before you get into the exact same kind of relationship with the next guy.
Notice I’m calling you “Babe,” and not your chosen “B.I.T.C.H.” You’ve got to start thinking more of yourself. This is going to get you into trouble. You are a woman and you are going to act like one. Break up with this guy who treats you like a B.I.T.C.H. and, after you work on yourself a little, go find someone who will treat you like a Babe.
Hearts & Skulls,