Maxim Says the Darndest Things: July Edition

July is one of my favorite months of the entire year. And not because Maxim finally gets a chance to pimp out articles encouraging men to go to work without pants (just because it’s balmy out), and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley can prance around desolate beaches wearing studded jean shorts that would only fit a midget or a Hollister manikin. (Let’s just say I could see some cheekie cheek.)

By Brittany

Just in case Maxim readers are ever bored at work, we learned how to shove a water bottle in an office chair so your co-worker will have the instant sensation of peeing themselves upon sitting down. Whatever, whoever is gone long enough to allow a co-worker to do something so atrocious deserves to think they peed their pants. And needs to stop eating Bangin’ Burritos from the gas station and stay sitting at their desk for a while.

In Maxim’s newest favorite article ‘Maxim Office Assistant’ they interviewed the new prospect office contender. Lucky for all the horny toads in any man-child’s dream office – upcoming office assistant, Carissa, shares she thinks it’s sexy to pick up orders and move boxes in nothing but a jacket and sexy lingerie.  Looks like I’m never going to make the cut for sexy assistant. Since the last time I moved a box in a trench coat and frilly undies from Charlotte Russe was in a vivid nightmare.

Maxim did turn up the giggles in an article called ’50 Other Things To Do This Summer.’ No, one of them wasn’t whispering, “I know what you did last summer,” to every girl at the bar (something I just came up with in complete immaturity).  But it did have some solid advice past being a total creep. The only two I’ve accomplished?

1. Pull your sweaty underwear out of your butt crack.

2. Plan a roadtrip. Never go on it.

Aw Maxim, you make me feel so motivated and appealing.

Any hooker, time for the sexified article of choice called, ‘Go Out With a Bang.’  Awesome, it already sounds loud and obnoxious. Since Maxim is convinced the world is going to end in 2012, they’ve compiled a list of sexy-things to get done for every month. But we secretly all know dudes just want an excuse to hump things.

Maxim Say’s: July: Visit a sex club. Sex clubs are like the infomercial products of debauchery, because you get three kinks in one: orgies, voyeurism and exhibition.

Brittany Say’s: Awesome, sounds like a field trip from hell. But then, maybe I’m just being economical. Why don’t we save the sweat and heavy breathing on each other for December, when it’s cold and you can seal the end of the world while staring at the one thing that brought you there in the first place. Yah feel me?

Maxim Say’s: August: Have sex with a celebrity.

Brittany Say’s: Unless you’re thinking along the lines of having sex with Tom Green – you can kiss your celebrity fantasies goodbye. It’s not every day you can walk up to Bradley Cooper in the grocery store and ask him about your the melons. Or wait, I’m starting to get inspired…

Maxim Say’s: October: Have a sex marathon.

Brittany Say’s: I may be at risk of sounding too stuffy/totally girly with this one, but can we combine some finger food, True Blood and passionate eye contact with this sex marathon?

Maxim Say’s:  November: Do a stranger.

Brittany Say’s: Late November: Risk being perpetually stalked by that stranger you did back in early November. Change your locks. And slap your hand for sleeping with the guy with a packing knife in his pocket and an off-kilter stare just because the world was ending.

Maxim Say’s: December: Go all out on the internet.

Brittany Say’s: Omg Maxim, that’s so totally my plan! I think I’m going to do all of my shopping online this year, such great deals. Wait – you were talking about Craig’s List perv-speak for men and women, weren’t you?! Again, my innocence got the best of me. Looks like I’ll be on the ‘nice list’ again this year.