Sexy Time: Set Your Boundaries

One of my favorite parts of sex is the exploratory aspect. Trying new positions, dabbling in role play, doing it in unexpected places. It’s one of the key ways I get an adrenaline rush, and 99% of the time, if my boyfriend has an idea and runs it by me, I’m game. That said, there is a lot of pressure when you start to cultivate a reputation as being sexually adventurous, and you (or maybe it’s just me) start to feel entrapped by it. Your personal preferences become secondary, and sex almost starts to feel like a chore (because not wanting to do anal every time obviously means you’re dull in the sack, right?).

By Jasmine

On the other hand, you could be someone who is more conservative, maybe because you’ve had less than stellar experience stepping outside of the box before, or maybe because you have set in stone preconceived notions of what you do and don’t like, even though you haven’t tried any of the things you claim to not like. Setting boundaries that are too strict, or are not strict enough, are both hindrances to a vibrant, healthy sex life.

1. Be your number one priority.
This is absolutely essential. While good sex is generally a physical mutual appreciation society, it’s also a bit of a selfish affair. You can’t necessarily expect the other person to always have your best interests at heart, unfortunately, but you should definitely always keep your pleasure, your comfort level and your self-respect in mind. One of the worst feelings in the world is one of self-betrayal, and there is no reason to sacrifice your well-being during sexy time.

2. Don’t be afraid to say no.
I have difficulty saying “no” in general, and it becomes even harder for me in the bedroom. While I know my boyfriend would be understanding if I wasn’t interested in doing something, I also feel this weird internal pressure to always be “on” – as someone who writes a sex-positive sex column, as someone who would not be terribly offended if you were to call me a slut, as someone who has internalized some pretty effed up cultural messages about always indulging my boyfriend’s whims or he’ll leave me for some other woman who would…etc, etc. Saying yes all the time is not only exhausting, but is also not always in my best interests. We’re not porn stars – having amped up, no-holds-barred sex should not be an obligation. It’s totally fine to just want to cuddle, or to be down for some oral but not intercourse, or to not do anything at all. Whether it’s because you’re tired from work, too full from gummy bears, mentally depressed or just not feeling it, never be afraid to say no.

3. Don’t be afraid to say yes.
A lot of us grow up internalizing a lot of ridiculous stigmas that are attached to sex. A lot of acts are characterized by what “good girls” and what “sluts” do and into arbitrary categories like “vanilla” and “kinky”, words that can carry a lot of weight. How many things sound unpleasant merely because of the negative or scary associations with them? Before I started having sex, I thought I would never do doggy style because it was degrading and “skanky.” Naturally, it’s now my favorite position because of the intense g-spot stimulation – I don’t know about you, but I see nothing degrading or skanky about orgasms or intense pleasure. I’m not saying that you should try absolutely everything – there are a few things on my “never would I ever” list, but there are also things in my sexual repertoire that I was a little bit uneasy about at first, but, after embracing my sense of adventure, I went for it.  Of course, I haven’t liked everything that I’ve tried, but I’m no worse for the wear as a result. If you have a partner that you trust, take advantage of that. Being in a trusting relationship is a liberating experience because you know that the other person has your best interests at heart, and will have the utmost respect for your boundaries.

I would never lie and tell you that saying yes and saying no are easy to do. They’re both incredibly difficult for a lot of people,  for a lot of different reasons. But in the end, being able to say both is important, and rewarding.

My perspective on boundaries is similar to my perspective on shoes. I was terrified to rock stilettos at first, but now they’re my favorite shoe, but sometimes I just want to walk most comfortably and easily, and that’s where my trusty flats come into play.