Seventeen Says The Darndest Things: Hot Night Out Edition

This month’s Seventeen was, well….just as predictable as ever.  They gave us the secret to getting a cute butt (in case you didn’t know, Seventeen is to cute butts as Cosmo is to flat abs – which means that every issue gives tips that seem way too simple to ever be effective.  Probably because they’re not.  Sorry, but if it was that easy, we’d all look like Kourtney Kardashian.)

By Zara

It also included a guide to finding your perfect pair of jeans, and to that I say: if I had to get a new pair of jeans every time you ran this article, my closet would be bluer than a smurf.  There’s also some info on how to look prettier than ever, which is chock full of tips on how to apply makeup.  Again, I’ve seen it all before.

This month’s cover girl is Emma Watson.  So they use a girl who is not only FAMOUS, but also Ivy League brilliant, able to pull of a pixy cut, and the owner of one of the most enviable wardrobes EVER.  Yeah, I can totally relate to you, Emma Watson.

We all know that I’m a big fan of Seventeen’s articles on how to flirt.  I mean, on the one hand they’re telling young, impressionable readers to always be themselves, and about how that’s the best way to get guys to like them.  On the other, they’re giving them advice on how to mold themselves into exactly what boys (and parents, but that’s a different story) want them to be.  This article was a little different: it was more about how to maximize your prospects during a night out.  Unfortunately, it was still kind of ridiculous – seriously, sometimes I wonder if the Seventeen editors ever went to college.

Seventeen says: (While at a frat party) “I use the crowd to ‘accidentally’ bump into a hot guy.
Zara says: I mean…..are you trying to get beer spilled all over your cute new white eyelet sundress?  Because if so, this move has your name written all up on it.

Seventeen says: “I found small ways to break the ‘touch barrier’ – like brushing his arm when I laughed or touching his hand as I told a story.  Our friends had no idea, but he definitely noticed.”
Zara says: Do this enough time and you’ll be irrevocably branded with the “stage five clinger” label.  Just trust me on this one.  And your friends (and everyone else) definitely notice this kind of thing.

Seventeen says: “While you’re at a party, take a picture of you two together.  Then text him the next day with a message about how cute he looks.”
Zara says:  Again, with the whole clinger thing.  Take my advice and just put the picture on Facebook instead.

Seventeen says: “Will you have one of those nights where all your moves are magic, and even just raking your fingers through your hair seems to get a little extra attention?”
Zara says: Hate to break it to you, but raking your fingers through your does NOT attract the attention of drunken guys.   Whipping your hair, on the other hand?  Now that’ll get you noticed.