Ask A Dude: Why Do Guys Show Interest Then Bail?

Dear Dude,

Ok so I met this guy at a party (as all great stories seem to start), we really hit it off and we ended up leaving and going to his place. We hooked up and then got some food. While we were eating he said “You’re like my ideal woman.” I assumed that it was a line and didn’t take it too seriously (after all, we were still fairly drunk) but I smiled, laughed and said thanks.  He gave me a ride home (Since he had to be at work at 3am. He’s an EMT.) and held my hand the entire way and gave me his sweatshirt. (OK, before I continue you should know I’m new to the world of casual sex, and automatically assumed that none of these acts were sincere, but rather just things he does to every girl – I know, my bad.). So you can imagine my surprise when he actually texted me the next day. We ended up talking ’round the clock for a week and hooked up again. We continued constantly texting for another week and he invited me over to a party at his place and I met all his friends and it was really fun – and we hooked up a third time. Two days later I texted him to see if his dog was ok (she had thrown up the morning of hookup #3). That was our last conversation. After two weeks of silence I texted him a simple “Hey, how’ve you been?” and didn’t get a reply. Two more weeks and now I find that he unfriended me on facebook.

I don’t really get it. I mean, if he isn’t interested anymore that’s fine, but isn’t unfriending someone just a tad silly / extreme?

And I’ll admit it – i was afraid of  getting my emotions involved and getting hurt so I quickly defined what we were doing as just casual sex, but looking back at the situation I realize that he might have actually had a genuine interest and that I may have hurt his feelings (somehow..)…..or I’m reading way too much into being unfriended.  

If I was right about it just being casual sex and the silent treatment is him just not being interested anymore, then that’s totally fine; but if he was genuine and if I did do something to hurt his feelings, then I’d like a chance to apologize because he was a really fun/interesting guy and I would’ve liked to have been friends (or more…).

So if you could decipher what the hell happened, that’d be GREAT!


A Little Confused

Dear A Little Confused,

Welcome to “The Dude Code.” Here, we’ll decipher the age old mystery of how a guy can seem completely consumed with interest and then vanish into the abyss of ass*oles without so much as a post-it note: “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” (Gotta love the classics)

First, every investigation begins with the end. Silence. Avoidance. Unfriending (btw, yes, that’s really silly and could be construed as immature to unfriend someone, since it indicates he actually thinks Facebook is the standard for conducting actual relationships with real people).

There are several reasons why a guy goes radio silent:

He met someone else:

It happens. It sucks, but it happens. Just understand, you could have met someone else you liked more, too.

He felt rejected and decided to reject you…without telling you:

Childish? Yeah, it is. But hey, if you were constantly affirming that you were only in it for the sex then a sensitive fella could feel spurned if he wanted something more. There’s a myth about doctors, firemen, cops, and all those who indulge in saving lives that they have an upper hand when attracting women. You can try to prove or disprove it, the point is that if he’s had a run of flings then he probably wasn’t interested in another one with you. So he ended it. Through Facebook. Like a socially challenged chimp. Of course, he could have also just had a completely different idea in his head of what was going on, or something you did unconsciously, built it up to more than it was, and immaturely decided to cease contact rather than actually talk about it. Like a guy who’s ready to be in a relationship would.

He’s got amnesia and Facebook accidentally unfriended you.

This is where we allow for the variables of life come in to play where his disappearing act truthfully is not in reaction (logically or illogically) to anything he might have construed you did (intentionally or unintentionally. No, I’m not pre-law btw but I do try to cover my arse).

The end result is his silence. The beginning was…magic?

No, not amortentia. Just the magic of attracting particles across space and time. Infatuation a primal, physical, and seemingly metaphysical process. Easily explained and dismissed in theory yet the repercussions of the colliding of particles that can’t repel each other is…But attraction is only one of many forces that acts according to the laws of life.

Sometimes the force of attraction weans, due to distance, to new attractions, other forces overpowering it, and a hundred other permutations. But in the end, what should matter is that the attraction was there in the first place.

My unprofessional opinion is that you’ve most likely heard the last of him. Is it your fault? Who the Hell knows? Blame or “deciphering” isn’t the point to all of this. The point is that you thought you could protect yourself and suddenly you’re realizing you might have been more vulnerable than you thought. There’s no A to B to C way to do the casual thing or the monogamous thing or the polyamorous thing or even the single thing, correctly. You just got to do and let be done.

Revel in the possibilities. Enjoy the next opportunity. What you should take from this is simple: Don’t presume what something is or isn’t, let it grow organically. And no matter how certain you are of a person, or a situation, allow yourself the perspective that nothing’s certain. If you don’t leave yourself open to being hurt, you’ll never be open to being happy. It’s the paradox.

Take two friends out for a night of fun and call me in the morning.

Trust me, I’m The Dude



    1. Hayley says:

      That definitely sucks girl! I have had the same thing happen. I still will ask myself 'what did I do wrong', but at the end of the day you just learn to forget about it. Guys will be guys, more like people will be people. Grab a drink with the girls and listen to some T-Swift and I can promise you'll feel better.

    2. Person says:

      I honestly think what he did was so disrespectful. If you're going to put that amount of energy into something (i.e. introducing to friends) the least you can do is send a text saying "Been nice but i'm moving on". Is that really too much to ask?

      1. heknowswhathedid says:

        Cowards and other fools we could do without always do the old "I'm not answering the phone because you are supposed to feel rejected" ploy. Really, we all could do better.

      2. Sincere says:

        You're a girl right? When some people want to break up they don't know how to or how to tell you they didn't want you around anymore so they withdraw… I did it, seems assholeish but she was a bitch anyway😛

    3. Simon says:

      Wow. Are you sure your a dude? Cause you write like a woman. Seriously, calling the guy a socially challenged chimp? More like an awesome dude! Cool guys don't look back at two things, explosions and chics they are completely over. And if you're on facebook and you're done with a chic, you delete her. Facebook means nothing to guys. Especially if you aren't bros, friends, family or business contacts or some girl we want to bang. This chic falls into NONE of those catagories, why SHOULD she be on his facebook? To make her stalking easier? Nobody owes you an explination of why they don't want to date you, sure its not polite, but it doesn't make that person a monster or evil. Just a dude who was done with a chic.

      1. JntKbwy says:

        So…your saying…when a guy is done being stylish…you delete your style from Facebook? Why would you befriend your own style. Wierdo.

      2. Mel says:

        Wow, what an awesome dude. He could have had a relationship with her if he wanted, or if all he wanted was sex she was up for a casual sex thing too. Instead of choosing one he strung her along a little and then vanished.

        What a cool guy.

    4. Michelle says:

      was anyone else concerned with the fact that the guy was an emt and got drunk before work??

      1. that girl got played says:

        LOLOLOLOLOL this comment was teh best part of the article!

      2. Alice says:


      3. Sincere says:

        Ya, I noticed that. WTF. DO NOT CALL FOR EMTS!!! Lolz… well at nite at least

      4. LP says:

        AND the fact that he was driving her home after being fairly drunk?!

    5. Tori says:

      It's chick not chic. Chic=stylish.

    6. The one thing I’ve learned is that for whatever reason he has for not contacting you it really DOESN’T matter because he’s not interested enough to contact you. Thinking about it will only drive you mad and you’ll start to pick yourself apart. Don’t. Move on there are over 6 billion people on Earth I’m sure one of them will like you enough to stay in contact with you.

    7. Lizz says:

      Guys are asshole and the exact same thing happened. I was seeing this guy and he was really into me and stated on numerous occasions how much he liked me but as soon as I started to like him and let him know these feelings, he completely pulled back and stopped calling daily, texting me and skyping me. WHY? What the hell! OH well, I'm mostly over it now. I just hate there's no closure.

    8. Anna says:

      solid sex and the city reference!

    9. givemebaby says:

      Oh. Unfriending is actually the problem here? This is getting bad.

    10. Steve says:

      Good LORD. Listen to the whinging.

      THINK about what you're asking. Would you REALLY be happier if you knew the reason? Suppose you got a detailed email or voicemail that said "Hey, I enjoyed our time together. I'd call you a 7, maybe an 8 with makeup, and you're definitely a nice person and fun to be around. Sadly, for you, I just met an 11 and she is LOADED. Between work and dancing attendance to this new squeeze I just don't have time for you…nothing personal, and please don't complicate my life. Cheers." Would you be happy THEN? I bet not.

      You don't really want an answer to this question, do you? What you really want is for something you enjoyed to continue, and it isn't going to, is it? The more time you waste yearning over a lack of information that would help you not one whit if you had it the longer it will be before you're back into something you enjoy. So in NO frame of reference does the question you're asking make sense. It's OVER…knowing why would probably just be something ELSE to feel bad about and further damage your self-image and sense of worth. Knowing WHY will NOT make this easier or less painful and each second spent on this silly pursuit comes out of your very limited bank of seconds of a short life that is already too slim on happiness.

      Time to reclaim that part of your brain the memory of this guy occupies and MOVE ON.

      1. Mel says:

        She was asking why because she didn't want to make the same mistake again. She was worried she'd hurt his feelings or something when she looked back and realized that guys probably don't usually give their sweatshirts to one night stands. It sends mixed signals.

        So she wasn't trying to figure out why it ended so much as reassure herself that it wasn't her fault, and if it was her fault she wanted to know so she wouldn't do it again.

        I don't think that's being whine-y or unreasonable.

      2. Steve says:

        Mmm-kay. I don't want to rip your head off but you are truly not really paying attention.

        Firstly, from whence do you draw your sweatshirt-giving etiquette? Who knows WHAT the F giving somebody a sweatshirt on the first outing means; you're literally free to make up ANYTHING you want about it from "nothing" to "a declaration of marriage" and everything in between. It's a flipping sweatshirt and it might just mean he was too lazy to wash it and so it was easier to give it away. You have absolutely NO reason to draw ANY conclusions about that. Trying to extract useful information from every miniscule interaction detail (like somebody giving somebody a sweatshirt) is conclusive evidence that appropriate communication between involved parties is NOT going on; starving for ACTUAL information, wild extrapolations from meaningless details runs rampant.

        SHE basically gave him full between-the-legs access from day one and every meeting after that. If the guy has ANY tendency to draw conclusions about what sort of person she is, what message does that send? If this girl ISN'T uber casual about sex, what would it take before she WOULD be? Group sex within the first 30 seconds of meeting? Send she gives it out with no more thought than a handshake, why should HE give it any more thought, or any thought to the relationship to which it might be associated?

        Next, suspiciously, everything was going along fine until immediately after she first met his group. OBVIOUSLY she didn't pass some evaluation upon group review.

        We're talking about human emotional/sexual relationships here. Your rational approach about wanting to gather information to avoid making similar mistakes in the future is all very appropriate… for a de-briefing after a job interview. WHATEVER it was that made him go away (probably just relationship expiration as far as he was concerned) is unlikely to be applicable to the NEXT interpersonal escapade on which she embarks. CLEARLY her best bet is to move forward simply being herself and setting her desires/expectations as appropriate for her OWN preferences and unencumbered by complicated and confusing emotional Post-it notes about how she SHOULD be on the next go around based upon what some random guy said was wrong with her on the previous go rounds.

        I'll also point out that she SAID she was keeping it casual and her description of the entire affair appears to me to be the very definition of casual. Casual stuff ends like turning out a light switch with no more "reason" then… well… turning out a light switch. "Casual" relationships are all about no explanations or justifications. Your presumption that she actually has something to learn from the situation, beyond the likelihood that casual-sex-based relationships don't sound like her cup of beef, is entirely unwarranted.

      3. Nicole says:

        How is she whining? Yeah, she sounds disappointed, but she also sounds like she's wondering if she may have said or done something to hurt his feelings. In that regard, I think she's being mature and responsible.

        Unfortunately, this guy was not. The fact is, he's being rude. He doesn't owe her a big explanation, but he should at least be polite. Honestly, he's creating more stress by ignoring her. She's anxious because she thinks she did something wrong, and he's dreading answering his phone or text messages because it might be HER. All of which that could have been solved with a simple: " I've had a great time with you, but I've met someone else and am moving on. Take care." Then both know where they stand. Soo much simpler.

      4. Steve says:

        Whingeing, WHINGEING. NOT whining. Not the same thing. They're actually different words because they mean different things. Whingeing has a far more complaining aspect to it.

        And of COURSE he is dreading talking to her or texting her. Not all communication is required to be verbal or written; he HAS sent the message that he is moving on very clearly. You're complaining because you don't like the FORMAT?

        Once again, the accent here is on the notion of "casual". Detailed communications and clear explanations are exactly what differentiate more committed relationships from those which are "casual". You don't owe anybody anything, especially explanations, if everyone's on the same page about the relationship being "casual".

        When relationships are more committed and less "casual", you can make more demands about communication and information. Communication is difficult and emotionally expensive, ESPECIALLY for men (although there are exceptions as with any generalized statement), and not having to be involved with it is one of the chief benefits of casual relationships (convenient access to female genitalia without effort or repercussion being the other chief benefit).

        The use of the word "whingeing" is appropriate here because of all the fuss "A Little Confused" is kicking up when her account of the relationship is the very epitome of "casual", something she said she was going for. She got EXACTLY what she bargained for, to the penny, and is now grousing about it (or whatever else you're comfortable with calling it that isn't simply accepting it and going about her business quietly). Voilà: whingeing. You don't GET to ask for additional information for the purposes of self-improvement when the connection has been broken. Time to hang up the phone.

      5. Bidisha says:

        You sound quite bitter. Even if it's a casual situation the polite thing to do on his part is to send a brief text saying "it's been fun but I don't see it progressing so we won't be seeing each other anymore". This isn't a great deal of effort for him, she can move on more easily.

      6. justagirl says:

        I'm weeks late into this conversation, but you have really great information, that could be great to hear in another format. My suggestion if you're interested in really sharing would be to add a little loving energy to the charge of your statements. Like one of the recipients noted, putting this info into practice is very challenging, but the perspective you offer I think is very palatable. What it implies is personal responsibility and it's a topic most people aren't familiar with. It's the opposite of the victim mentality, and the most useful perspective I've ever come across. In my experience it takes taking the time to truly go inside and openly explore thoughts, emotions and physiology and then separate your identity from those things. To become an observer and a scientist …. and ultimately your own healer.

      7. Mila says:

        Hi Steve –

        You are right. But your advice is hard to put into action.

        One's logical mind agrees but emotions are all over the place, and keep one stuck. The sad thing is that one can stay stuck obsessing for a very long time. It is a downward spiral of depression and anxiety, and it is exhausting.

        If you have any tricks that help 'to reclaim that part of your brain' please share them. I would really like to use that (major) part of my brain and (enormous) energy in productive and life enhancing ways.



      8. watcher says:

        sometimes knowing what the problem is is alot easier than not knowing. It helps u move on knowing you need to improve on something or that it wasnt your fault and things just happened. I get alot of attention from girls but when i talk to them and try to get thier number, arrange a date or after iv got the number and try to arrange a date, there is always something wrong. Either she "has a boyfriend", doesnt give out her number or just doesnt reply to my txt message, you have know idea what i would give to know what the problem is. If it were "i thought u looked good from far" i know its looks and i would need to improve on that, if it were "you didnt seem all that interesting" id know i need to work on that but i have absolutely no clue and therefore cannot agree with you on that.

    11. Nicole says:

      I agree with Mel. Wasted opportunity.

    12. Leonard says:

      You met the friends, and he immediately stopped talking to you. I'm guessing that one of them said to him, "hey, she looks just like your sister" or "she mentioned Twilight, buddy, you've got to get out of this".

    13. sat says:

      I’m a guy. I m currently on the process of pulling back from my girlfriend. I’ve done it even before. The explanation of the complex mental process gone thru my mind is beyond explanation. But a simple advice i have for girls is, he cant handle a lot of love all of a sudden. So, text him less, talk him less, give him enough breaks in between. Even if its he who call you too often, dont encourage it. The simple logic is that, dont make him fatigued of love. Dont give an ocean to calm down a summerday thirst. He will drink it all, and may ask for more…and then he vomits. So just give only sips

      1. Mauribell says:

        i think that that's a great analogy sir! i'm not saying you boys are logical though.

      2. Sincere says:

        Ya I agree…. especially when your girlfriend won't let you take a moment of silence😛

    14. Jess says:

      Yes, you are overthinking. Don't give him more credit than he deserves. Don't feel bad that he felt rejected by you; he probably didn't. If he really liked you, even if he felt rejected, he would have given a few more tries to hang out (and I mean a real date one-on-one, not invite you to a party to get drunk and hook up).

    15. Rena says:

      GO to the hospital and aks him why!

    16. stephen says:

      If you are going to have casual sex, leave your feelings at home. Basically, if you give it up that quick, you are going to get hurt. I am a guy and could be considered the subject matter expert on the subject. Treat yourself like a queen and accept nothing less and you will get it. Treat yourself like a slut and you will be treated like a piece of meat.

    17. wisal says:

      Probably it is his way to attract women,having them around for a while then vanish.What i'm seeing here is that, he is a Doctor who really doesn't respect his duty-I'm a doctor-

      Secondly,you gave up too soon-i mean emotionally,and you kept telling yourself it is only casual because you aimed for more or you subconsciously knew you felt-wanted more of this charm.

      Finally,i'm 100% positive this is his way,and probably you are not the first one who has been treated like this by him.
      Dear,it was casual for him ,somewhere between drinking and partying .

      That is his way,his personality,however ,your very first time to casual sex world.

    18. Sincere says:

      Lolz, I did that once…. she was fucking annoying and I hated her and I wanted her to fuck offf and leave me alone😛

      1. Sincewre says:

        BTW What most likely happened is he didn't like the way you acted with his friends and what you said. Basically he didn't like your behavior around his friends.

    19. […] And The Hazards of OxytocinJESUS LOVES YOU! GOD LOVES YOU! PLEASE SAY “NO” TO CASUAL SEXAsk A Dude: Why Do Guys Show Interest Then Bail? : College Candy #header { background:#150A04 […]

    20. reyna says:

      so theres this guy i like at school and once i laid my eyes on him last week on tuesday i wanted to talk to him but i was too shy that on wedbesday or thursday i saud hi and then like he just looked at me and walked away the next day my friend cakked him over during lunch and seem liked he was goonnaa hit on her but she was ohh reyna wants you and he walked away again and lije feiday came nothing the weekend was cool but monday was just oh goshh i dont remember but tuesday i talk to him kinda well he looked at me walking to second period and then wendesday came and we were supose to chill at lunch but i was shy and he said to like today we were suppose to talk since my friend talk to him but at lunch he tried hiding behind his short friend and i saw but i got so mad i pretend i didnt notice it lol and well like its like idk now /: i wanna talk to him but idk was to do.. my friends tell me not to talk to him but i want to cause like he attracts me and i need answer on why he tried to hide from me when he spefically said yesterday we were gonna talk to day /: i need major help😥

    21. melly says:

      I met a guy online. We been talking for a couple of weeks now and i`m starting to like him. last night i told him that i have a crush on him. He doesn't give me a response back about me liking him more than a friend. We live 35 hours apart i told him ill come see him when i can and all he says is that would be amazing. I sent him a friends request for Facebook but he hasn't accepted yet same thing for Skype i don't want to keep asking him when he will accept it because i don't want him to get mad.
      I always text him everyday and he always write me back but the last text i sent him was we should talk on the phone or cam on Skype and he never text me back. I woke up this morning and no messages from him, so i don't know if i should wait for him 2 text me or should i text him? i really want this to work between me and him. I just want some input if i should just move on, or message him or what. Could it be possible he just doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship or try it?

    22. reesha says:

      I met a guy online…he was really nice articulate all of that. I actually thought he was a good catch. I went by his house not just for intimacy.We never actually went on a date. He considered himself to be a loner or lame. Didn’t have a lot of friends just worked a lot. I was doing most of the contacting. He always responded. After a couple months I felt comfortable wondered where things were going . He insisted getting to know each other better etc. Four months later I find myself in a casual situation . This is not what I wanted. I’ve never been in anything like this. I see he still visits the dating site on his off days only. Since things got intense I backed off and no contact for two weeks . I text him the other day he replied..”see you when you have time keep me in mind ” what does that mean? As if its all on me….idk ….help

    23. Gabrielle says:

      Dr. Lee helped me have peace with myself after a reading. Meeting him is an inspiration everyone should experience. He is truly what they says he is; he will tell you like it is. Meeting him has helped me understanding the will of the Universe. I am truly grateful for Dr. Lee and will continue with his services. Do yourself a favor, talk to him and you will see what I'm talking about. contact him through

    24. Julie says:

      Why would a guy lead a woman on then delete her off his facebook page?Because the guy is an asshole.He doesn’t even deserve to be called a human.A person like this obviously has or never will have feelings.So screw him.

    25. K says:

      Harsh. I’m in a similar situation, but intimate with him only once. And what do you know I’m pregnant. I’m so lost. What do I do?:( I’m against abortions but terrified to have a baby on my own and in this situation

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