Ask A Dude: Why Do Guys Show Interest Then Bail?
Ok so I met this guy at a party (as all great stories seem to start), we really hit it off and we ended up leaving and going to his place. We hooked up and then got some food. While we were eating he said “You’re like my ideal woman.” I assumed that it was a line and didn’t take it too seriously (after all, we were still fairly drunk) but I smiled, laughed and said thanks. He gave me a ride home (Since he had to be at work at 3am. He’s an EMT.) and held my hand the entire way and gave me his sweatshirt. (OK, before I continue you should know I’m new to the world of casual sex, and automatically assumed that none of these acts were sincere, but rather just things he does to every girl – I know, my bad.). So you can imagine my surprise when he actually texted me the next day. We ended up talking ’round the clock for a week and hooked up again. We continued constantly texting for another week and he invited me over to a party at his place and I met all his friends and it was really fun – and we hooked up a third time. Two days later I texted him to see if his dog was ok (she had thrown up the morning of hookup #3). That was our last conversation. After two weeks of silence I texted him a simple “Hey, how’ve you been?” and didn’t get a reply. Two more weeks and now I find that he unfriended me on facebook.
I don’t really get it. I mean, if he isn’t interested anymore that’s fine, but isn’t unfriending someone just a tad silly / extreme?
And I’ll admit it – i was afraid of getting my emotions involved and getting hurt so I quickly defined what we were doing as just casual sex, but looking back at the situation I realize that he might have actually had a genuine interest and that I may have hurt his feelings (somehow..)…..or I’m reading way too much into being unfriended.
If I was right about it just being casual sex and the silent treatment is him just not being interested anymore, then that’s totally fine; but if he was genuine and if I did do something to hurt his feelings, then I’d like a chance to apologize because he was a really fun/interesting guy and I would’ve liked to have been friends (or more…).
So if you could decipher what the hell happened, that’d be GREAT!
A Little Confused
Dear A Little Confused,
Welcome to “The Dude Code.” Here, we’ll decipher the age old mystery of how a guy can seem completely consumed with interest and then vanish into the abyss of ass*oles without so much as a post-it note: “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” (Gotta love the classics)
First, every investigation begins with the end. Silence. Avoidance. Unfriending (btw, yes, that’s really silly and could be construed as immature to unfriend someone, since it indicates he actually thinks Facebook is the standard for conducting actual relationships with real people).
There are several reasons why a guy goes radio silent:
He met someone else:
It happens. It sucks, but it happens. Just understand, you could have met someone else you liked more, too.
He felt rejected and decided to reject you…without telling you:
Childish? Yeah, it is. But hey, if you were constantly affirming that you were only in it for the sex then a sensitive fella could feel spurned if he wanted something more. There’s a myth about doctors, firemen, cops, and all those who indulge in saving lives that they have an upper hand when attracting women. You can try to prove or disprove it, the point is that if he’s had a run of flings then he probably wasn’t interested in another one with you. So he ended it. Through Facebook. Like a socially challenged chimp. Of course, he could have also just had a completely different idea in his head of what was going on, or something you did unconsciously, built it up to more than it was, and immaturely decided to cease contact rather than actually talk about it. Like a guy who’s ready to be in a relationship would.
He’s got amnesia and Facebook accidentally unfriended you.
This is where we allow for the variables of life come in to play where his disappearing act truthfully is not in reaction (logically or illogically) to anything he might have construed you did (intentionally or unintentionally. No, I’m not pre-law btw but I do try to cover my arse).
The end result is his silence. The beginning was…magic?
No, not amortentia. Just the magic of attracting particles across space and time. Infatuation a primal, physical, and seemingly metaphysical process. Easily explained and dismissed in theory yet the repercussions of the colliding of particles that can’t repel each other is…But attraction is only one of many forces that acts according to the laws of life.
Sometimes the force of attraction weans, due to distance, to new attractions, other forces overpowering it, and a hundred other permutations. But in the end, what should matter is that the attraction was there in the first place.
My unprofessional opinion is that you’ve most likely heard the last of him. Is it your fault? Who the Hell knows? Blame or “deciphering” isn’t the point to all of this. The point is that you thought you could protect yourself and suddenly you’re realizing you might have been more vulnerable than you thought. There’s no A to B to C way to do the casual thing or the monogamous thing or the polyamorous thing or even the single thing, correctly. You just got to do and let be done.
Revel in the possibilities. Enjoy the next opportunity. What you should take from this is simple: Don’t presume what something is or isn’t, let it grow organically. And no matter how certain you are of a person, or a situation, allow yourself the perspective that nothing’s certain. If you don’t leave yourself open to being hurt, you’ll never be open to being happy. It’s the paradox.
Take two friends out for a night of fun and call me in the morning.
Trust me, I’m The Dude