Everyone has either been a part of, party to, possible enabler of, and/or wished they had food poisoning in the presence of, that couple. We’ve all encountered that couple. It’s hard to find the right adjective to adequately ascribe to them. I mean, seriously, whenever you think of them you just think of them as that couple. They just piss/depress/annoy you so much that language actually fails to form in your brain. A lot of couples are guilty of being that couple at one point in their relationship or another. Often it’s during the honeymoon or newlywed periods. Basically, when it all feels like the beginning.
But how do you know if you’re being that couple, or at least that you’re witnessing the aneurysm-provoking spectacle that is that couple?
If you finish each other’s sentences, then you’re that couple.
If everything leads you back to a story about your significant other, sweet Jesus, you are that couple.
If you refer to yourselves only as “we” then you’re DEFINITELY that couple.
If every time you speak to each other you use a different pet name, you’re that couple, and you create an awkwardly inadequate feeling amongst all those in your presence.
If you only make eye contact with each other, you’re that couple and rude. To everyone else. And that’s uber-annoying!
If you color coordinate your outfits, you’re that couple, and you need help. Possibly involving electroshock treatments.
If all of your single friends no longer return your phone calls, you’re that couple and past the point of an intervention.
If everything you say is backhanded proof about how your relationship is better than every other relationship, then you’re that couple…and I would use my slap bet on you!
If you constantly hold hands, publicly make out, or get each other off under the table without justification, provocation, or invitation (i.e. an orgy), you’re that couple…and showing off. WE GET IT! YOU HAVE LOTS OF SEX! That, too shall pass…mwahahaha (bitters are just what you put in martinis).
People have every right to be happy. I wish for every couple to be madly in love and achieve a lifetime of happiness. But when you become that couple, you’re not showing happiness, you’re showing a lack of tact, awareness, consideration for the feelings of others around you, and heightening the insecurities of people who want to be in a meaningful (or at least overly affectionate) relationship but aren’t in one. Just because you’re celebrating you’re newfound bliss/monkey sex doesn’t give you the right to be oblivious to the laws of common courtesy. Short of that line, snog all you want!
What’s terrifying to think is that some people consider that couple to be the gold standard for being the perfect couple. Rest easy, everyone outside of the bubble of bliss. You don’t have to try to be the perfect couple. Being that couple doesn’t prove anything except that those two people are either trying too hard or haven’t outgrown the “that” phase yet. Love evolves or devolves. You can’t be that couple forever. Nor should you be.
Telling it like it is,