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Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: August Edition

Man does Kimmy K make a hot pink sweater dress look sizzlin’. The last time I wore one of those, I was in seventh grade and shopping at Hollister. I’m willing to bet that’s NOT where Kim purchased her pink frock though, last time I checked, Hollister wasn’t code for “titties that have their own brand name.”

Moving on. This month’s Cosmo wrapped up the last summer weeks and didn’t waste any time doing it. In a ‘Moves That’ll Make Him Melt’ article, Cosmo asked 100 dudes on the street their favorite weather seduction tricks. 15% of these weirdos claimed their number one seduction move was “Let me hose you down while you’re wearing a white tee shirt.” While I see the sex appeal in this, I also see little kids riding their three-wheels down the street starring at the wet t-shirt contest happening on the driveway. “Daddy, why are her boobies looking at me?”

After grazing past a pointless Facebook status decoder, a brief article on how to tell if he’s married, and a Bieber Beardology article (don’t ask – you don’t want to know) I ran across an interesting statistic. Did you know 36 percent of men say they’re more attracted to a woman if they’re using an iPad? As opposed to using what else, Cosmo? And where was this survey taken? A Genius Bar?

Then in a ridiculous Cosmo Life Weekend special, Cosmo laid out “His Perfect Weekend” in an upside down pyramid. Yep, like the food pyramid. Clearly, whoever made this was hungry and has completely lost all common sense about the male species. His favorite way to spend the weekend? Apparently, laying low with the GF…maybe renting a movie. I could see that, until I read the activity at the bottom of the pyramid (you know, where the Splenda and Carbs usually fit in); watching the game with his friends. OK Cosmo, in no way am I offended that he would probably rather fart on the couch and watch the NHL with his dudes, so let’s try not to make excuses for it, mmmk?

Now, like usual, I’ve come back to that funny bone tickle I find in Cosmo’s monthly sex article. One, because they usually make me extremely uncomfortable. Two, because when I imagine myself doing anything Cosmo tells me to do – I get a sympathy cramp. And it’s usually in my crotch. Apparently, guys do too. Because this month, “Guys Rate 50 Sex Moves.” Oh goodie,¬†guy tested – penis approved? Is that what they say?

Cosmo Say’s: Asking him to give you a lap dance. Guys say: “Whoa, please skip it.”

Brittany Say’s: There it is, the under layer of reasoning as to why I was really meant to date Channing Tatum. Wasn’t he a stripper before he shook his hips like a salt shaka’ on Step Up? I need me a man that can bump it up against me from time to time.

Cosmo Say’s: Gently biting his penis. Guys say: “Go for it; that’s amazingly hot.”

Brittany Say’s: Ok, the text did read, gently biting your penis. Not treating it like a God and touching it all day while you watch Entourage in the darkness. Last time I checked, biting was for twinkies and tigers. Not under the belt buckle.

Cosmo Say’s: Spanking his butt with a spatula. Guys say: “Whoa, please skip it.”

Brittany Say’s: Oh, so everything I learned on the school bus in 7th grade was a complete lie? Who can I TRUST anymore??

Cosmo Say’s: Putting your finger in his butt. Guys say: “Whoa, please skip it.”

Brittany Say’s: WHAT? They don’t like a little “thumbs up” from behind from time to time for recognition? Blown away by this Cosmo. Blown. Away.

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If I could eat toast and watch Shark Week all day, every day, my life would exceed perfection status.