Friday Faves: The Feminist’s Dating Dilemma

July 29, 2011 12:00 pm     Posted in Featured Right, Relationships  Candy -- NYU g+ page


By Candy

Recently, a few of my friends and I got into a bit of a disagreement over who pays on a date. Although a few people agreed with me that if the relationship is long-term, the couple should split the costs for practical reasons (after all, especially if you’re on a college budget, it’s hard to bear the burden of all expenses), the overall consensus was that the guy should always pay at first. Some said the first date, some the first three dates, and others advocated up to the first year. My friends argued that if he’s trying to win the girl over, this is the way to do it. Some even joked that it was payment in exchange for what they hoped would be a different type of payment later on.

Personally, I’m still in disagreement with the others on this one. The idea of letting anyone pay for me is just. . . wrong. It makes me feel uncomfortable and goes against every fiber of my feminist being. I’m a strong, self-sufficient woman; I work and take care of my own personal expenses, so why should I have a guy do it for me? And, even more to the point, why should I allow him to pay for me if I can’t pay for him? If we’re going for equality, then why is he footing the bill every time?

At the same time, I can see my friends’ point: the way our society functions, refusing to let a guy pay is usually a girl’s way of expressing disinterest. Social protocol practically dictates that if you like the guy, you let him pay.

Which, to me anyway, is a little twisted.

It’s not just paying though. There are plenty of cases in which being a feminist – or even just embracing feminist ideologies – makes things all the more difficult to figure out. We all know the whole career versus family scenario; since the woman’s place used to be the home, now that we’re in the workforce we’re always trying to balance both. But what about life goals and focuses, especially in college?

The two things that seem to dominate my life, my thoughts, and my conversations are school and boys. Everything is about one thing or the other. But the former always takes priority – it has to, right? We’re in college for education and a chance at our dream careers first, and romance second. That’s why so many people I know are so upset over a friend of mine choosing to graduate early and just work until her boyfriend’s business has taken off so she can become a wife and woman of leisure. She’s throwing away her entire potential for a guy and an old-fashioned idea that women are defined in society by their husbands’ successes rather than their own.

But, on the other hand, she’s not constantly talking herself out of liking a guy or making a move. Another friend and I have been talking about how she needs to hold off on figuring out her guy issues until after her MCAT. And yeah, that’s a life-directing test, but I’ve put off confronting a guy until after my debate competition, after a paper, after an exam- there’s always something academic to justify why dealing with romantic problems has to wait. And wait. Because school always comes first, should always be the focus, and I should never, ever let a boy sway my focus. On anything. Not even the optional one-paragraph writing assignment for the class in which I’m pulling an A.

Part of it, obviously, is the drive to do well. But part of it is also a reflection of the roots of that family versus career conundrum. You want to have the success and happiness that women fought for- and that you genuinely want and have worked for- but you can’t figure out how to balance that with the hormones and the simple desire to have someone in your life. Anytime you start to focus on guys, it feels like you’re sacrificing part of yourself, of your work. But how much are we sacrificing for this idea that career is everything?

Don’t get me wrong- I work hard, and I have a strong sense of where I want to be in five years. I have a career and a life all planned out. I want to work in international human rights, travel, save the world and the people living in it. But I can’t, for the life of me, figure out where a guy would fit in. And even now in college, I have my classes, my thesis, a job, clubs, projects- things that will help me achieve. But at what cost? I feel like I’ve been so worried about betraying my feminist ideologies that I’ve purposely pushed any chance at romance not just to the backseat, but hanging out of the trunk.

And sure, even if I were to make concessions I’d still have issues letting a guy pay for me. But does it really have to be that strict of a trade-off? Or is there a balance we’re just not seeing?

[This story was originally posted by Rachael - University of Miami.]

12 Comments on "Friday Faves: The Feminist’s Dating Dilemma"

  1. Rebecca says:
    Fri, 29th Jul 201112:37 pm 

    First on the issue of expecting the boy to pay. There really is no excuse for having this expectation. I would be appalled if a man doing the same job and hours as me earned more so it would be ridiculous to then expect him to fund our romantic relationship.

    I don't think it has to be taken too seriously though, you can explain that you always pay your fair share on dates, or let him get the first date but insist on paying for you both the next time. These things also depend on circumstances. If a man was much better off than me and wanted to go out on extravagant dates that I couldn't afford I'd be happy to let him pay, and would hope if the situation was reversed he'd be happy to let me foot more of the bill.

  2. Rebecca says:
    Fri, 29th Jul 201112:51 pm 

    On the issues of priorities, with respect, I think you over state how much feminism should be impacting your personal choices. As a feminist I think women should have the same opportunities as men, and should not face practical obstacles or social pressure to conform to a gendered stereotype in terms of career or lifestyle. Having said that every woman is an individual, and the priorities she places on family, careers, friendships and hobbies are going to be individual to her.

    Every woman should be free to pursue any high level career of her choosing, however she should also feel free to concentrate on family and friends and not make her career her priority if this is her choice. Just as a man should be able to stay home with his children rather than continue in his career if this is what the couple decides works best for them.

    Most people, whether they're men or women have to make some compromises in their life with respect to career and family, I think the decisions you make should be determined more by your individual circumstances and personality than any particular ideology. Being a feminist, at least to me means that I shouldn't have to compromise more than my boyfriend, not that I shouldn't compromise at all.

  3. Polly says:
    Fri, 29th Jul 20111:07 pm 

    Here's my take on the issue although i'm sure most CC readers will disagree.

    I believe that who ever initiates/plans the date should be responsible for funding it. So, if I, the female, were to ask a guy out I would do so with expectation of funding the entire date. If the guy were to offer halves that's his choice but I certainly wouldn't expect it. The same is true in my opinion if the guy were to ask/plan a date with me.

  4. Freya says:
    Fri, 29th Jul 20111:23 pm 

    I kind of agree with this, but at the moment the impetus is usually on the guy to be the most forward and do the asking, so the guys would get the worse deal out of this. Also if one of my friends asks me to go somewhere with them, in a a non dating scenario, I would never expect them to pay for me just because they came up with the idea, so I'm not sure I'd expect the same of a date.

  5. Polly says:
    Fri, 29th Jul 20111:33 pm 

    Personally, I don't see a date the same as hanging out with friends but that's just me. The expectations are generally different and I certainly wouldn't have the same relationship with my bf as I would my bff's.

  6. Freya says:
    Fri, 29th Jul 20112:31 pm 

    Yeah I see your point, I think perhaps it is unromantic on a date to start adding up who owes what etc and unless the date is really expensive or you're impoverished it's probably easier to go with what you say and not worry that much about it, as long as it ends up kind of even.

  7. asdf says:
    Fri, 29th Jul 20116:10 pm 

    being a feminist has nothing to do with whether or not a guy pays for the date. It's a nice gesture. Accept it, shut up and be thankful.

  8. dodgycupcake says:
    Mon, 1st Aug 20119:13 am 

    Thanks for writing this article – I think about the discomfort of situations like this too!

  9. Caroline says:
    Mon, 1st Aug 20114:42 pm 

    I could not agree more. Just because you let a guy pay doesn't mean that you aren't self sufficient, it means that that you found a guy who was raised with proper manners.

  10. Jenna says:
    Tue, 2nd Aug 20117:10 am 

    There's a difference between letting a guy pay and expecting a guy to pay. Caroline do you not see the double standards of expecting a man to pay your way for you while you date (since you claim this is good manners) and yet expecting to be paid the same at work than him. Good manners involves showing respect and consideration for others not expecting them to foot the bill.

    Expecting a man to pay your way in the beginning of a relationship used to be traditional, just as it was traditional for a woman to cook his dinner, tidy up after him, and stay at home waiting for him to return from work.

  11. Brenda S says:
    Thu, 4th Aug 201112:28 pm 

    I think on a first date a guy should pay. After that, I prefer it to be 50/50. But I agree with the previous comments, tallying up every penny is unromantic. Just accept that sometimes you will pay a couple of dollars more and sometimes a couple of dollars less. I like it when guys pay for cheap things for me, like a coffee or a snack. A small gesture like that is sweet without me feeling guilty that they are spending their modest college budget on me. If a guy really insitst on paying for dinner, I will offer to pay for dessert.

  12. anonymous says:
    Sun, 14th Aug 201112:14 am 

    I feel the pressure to choose between a family/guys and a career/school all the time. I think it is one of those things our generation is going to struggle with the most now that we have so many options. I think in the end though, you just have to go with your gut and make it work for you.

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