Dude’s List: 12 Lies Men Tell Themselves

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Some are small. Some are big. Some are white. Some not so bright. We all have to get through the days/weeks/months/years somehow. A lie can be used for self-protection or self-delusion. All’s depending on the severity. However, there are certain universal themes to the lies we tell ourselves. Let’s see if you can figure out what some of the are. Like most things, they’re not as difficult to find as Waldo.

1. “Size doesn’t matter”

It matters. We get it. Girth more than length. But it’s tough to perform if you don’t…”believe in yourself.” So, yeah, we try to pump up so we can pump with purpose. It ain’t easy bein’ teeny-weeny. Overcompensation galore, thanks for complex, Napoleon.

2. “I’m not going bald”

I know a lot of 27 year-olds with sunburn on their scalps who refuse to pick up a bottle of Rogaine when they should be buying stock in the f*cking company. Baldness is a basic security threat to all men everywhere. There’s a sense of failure, public failure at that. I mean, if we can’t hold onto our hair, how can we hold on to a relationship? (Yes, that’s completely unrelated and illogical but so is the fear of looking like Lex Luthor) The shaved head has given the balding a footing in gaining acceptance in a shelter of denial (“I’m not bald, I just shave”). But still there’s a stigma that girls and employers equate bald with bad.

3. “I’m a really good kisser”

We’re not all good kissers. And neither are all of you. If you lick teeth, you might be a bad kisser. If you try to swallow the other person’s mouth, you might be a bad kisser.  If the other person refuses to open their mouth when you enter the room, you might be a bad kisser. But try telling him that! When it comes to sex and all things sexually related, criticism’s tough to harden oneself up to. Speaking of which…

4. “I make her cum every time”

These guys just haven’t watched When Harry Met Sally…And those who have still say, “well, it’s never happened to me.” And it probably has. Or the girl didn’t even bother to fake it and just said, “I’m tired, are you done yet?” I’m paraphrasing, of course…And it’s never happened to me.

5. “I’m always ‘ready’”

A physical impossibility. Unless you’re Wolverine.

6. “If I had 3 Months and a personal trainer I’d look like Hugh Jackman”

No, we wouldn’t. 99% of us. This is how we rationalize not working out on a regular basis but denying feeling less like a man every time we watch X-Men and X2:X-Men United (I like to pretend the other movies don’t exist).

7. “I’ll stop eating fried chicken”

So many resolutions to eat better, exercise more, stop smoking, and lessen monthly amount of alcohol intake. After 25 I’ve known a few who’ve made good on this promise. But usually it becomes the truth after the first heart attack or breaking a scale for the first time.

8. “I can jump that”

Fortunately, most of us don’t try to prove this one.

 9. “I’m a writer”

What have you written? “Uh, I’ve got this idea for a screenplay.” Or “I’m an actor.” Where did you study? “Real actors don’t need classes.” Or “I’m an artist.” What have you made? “Macaroni necklaces.” Look, as we grow older and the dreams of youth become unfulfilled wishes, we still cling to the dream to deny ourselves the harsh truth: We haven’t made it and we probably never will. A lie that softens the blow.

10. “People don’t understand me”

Sure they do, you’re an asshole. You just can’t admit it because you’re also narcissistic.

11. “I’m a grown up now!”

Actually, I think this is a lie we tell other people. I don’t know if we ever feel like adults. And I’m not just limiting this to men. Thoughts?

12. “All girls like anal”

DAMN YOU, PORN!!!!!!! (And frankly, a lot of guys don’t like anal either once they’ve tried it. Giving or receiving, just to clarify.)

There they are ladies. A dozen lies many men use intermittently at different times of the year-I mean lives. Some of them we outgrow. Some we grow into. The really interesting thing is what happens when you try to point out the lie to the liar. Now there’s a risky experiment to try and we’ve all felt the burn of showing someone the light when they weren’t ready to come out of the sheltering dark. Now onward to the comments! What rings true? What did I leave out? What lies have your friends told themselves?

It was me who chopped down the cherry tree!

George Washington Dude

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