Getting Over The Death Of An Ex

August 5, 2011 1:00 pm     Posted in Featured Left, Reality, Relationships  Jessica - Hofstra g+ page

You know that guy you casually dated for a few months a few years ago? That guy you really, really, really liked but you didn’t know how he felt so things just never worked out for you two? And then after things ended, you were both really awkward around each other but you always wanted another chance with him? Imagine if he died, completely unexpectedly. This is what happened to me. A guy I casually dated for a couple of months named Zack died in a car accident two months ago, and getting over him has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I can’t help but think that I am obviously not the only girl who’s ever been in this situation. So how do you get over the death of someone you had a very complicated history with? Here’s my story:


By Jessica

Zack and I knew each other in high school and when we ran into each other a few years ago, we started talking, resulting in what should have been just a one-night stand. Instead, we eventually started hanging out again last winter. Zack had basically every quality that I was looking for in a guy: he was cute, funny, very friendly, dedicated to his work (as a martial arts instructor and fireman), and similar to me in a lot of ways. I fell for him hard, but for some reason, our casual dating never turned into anything serious. We tried the whole friends-we’ll-see-where-things-go thing, but it got awkward because I was really hurt. That feeling came out as anger and soon we stopped speaking. Zack was truly a great guy and while I know he would have been nice to me if we spoke, things were just awkward. I ignored the happy birthday I got from him on my b-day, and the very last time I saw him, I went out of my way to avoid him.

When I heard the news that Zack had died in a car accident, all I could think about was all of the things I had done wrong in the past year — how many times I had the opportunity to approach him, how many times I could have made things right. Since we had ended things I had never gone very long without thinking about him. I had feelings for him up until I met my current boyfriend. Every time I had gone to the bar we always went to together, I hoped he would be there. I had always, in the back of my mind, hoped for us to make things right one day, and I never had any doubt that we would. I had always thought I just needed to get over my feelings for him and get the guts to say I wanted to be friends with him again. As dramatic as it sounds, I really did wait too long, and now I’ll never have that chance.

This is what I’ve learned the past two months for anyone going through this the same situation:

Realize you have a right to be heartbroken. When I saw all of his ex-girlfriends at the funeral, I felt stupid for being so upset. Those girls were with him for so much longer than me, and I felt like I didn’t have the right to be as sad as I was. I now know it’s silly to think that — I can feel however I want to about Zack, regardless of the fact that we never made things official or were as close as he was to other people.

You have to think about the good things instead of focusing on the bad things. For the first few weeks, all I did was think about the arguments we had. Once I finally started letting myself remember all of the good things that I had made myself forget in trying to get over him, I realized how happy I was that we had spent time together. I had thought that remembering the cute things he said to me or how much fun I had with him would make me even more sad, but I was wrong. Focusing on my regret was what was really making me miserable.

Hold on to some things, but don’t be obsessive. At first, I couldn’t stop reading Zack’s Facebook — I read every single wall post he got after he died. Reading those were torture. You can’t let yourself get sucked into that, because when it consumes you, then you’ll never feel better. But there are some things you should never let go of — I have one of his favorite sweatshirts that he gave me, and I know I’ll never get rid of it. I also have a pair of socks he got me (it’s a cute story), and messages from him that make me smile.

Don’t keep everything inside. I usually find myself not wanting to talk about Zack, but that’s because I assume it will make me even more sad. And while it does make me sad to talk about it, it kills me to keep everything inside. Take advantage of your close friendships and tell them exactly how you feel as often as you need to — it’s hard, but in the end, it will be like a giant weight was lifted off your chest.

Find a way to apologize that will give you closure. When someone dies who you were fighting with, it’s really hard to get over because you never got to apologize or tell them how much they meant to you, and that’s all you want to do. But you need to face the reality that you will never be able to — and you need to find another way to do it. For me, it was writing a seven page letter to Zack that explained everything. Figure out a way to feel close to the person in some way and tell them how sorry you are.

Learn to forgive yourself. This is what I’ve been trying to do, and it’s extremely tough. It’s only been two months, so I’m obviously not there yet, but eventually, I hope that I will be. I’m more angry at myself then I can explain, but at the same time, I realize that the past is the past, and I’ll never be able to change it. You need to accept that you might have made a mistake, but you need to move on.

Every day is a challenge when getting over death. Little things remind me of Zack all the time, and not one day has gone by where I haven’t thought about him. Going to the bar we used to go to is nearly impossible for me to do without going home to cry. When a close friend of his told me that Zack used to say that he really liked me and really cared about me, I felt more pain than I can express. For those of you who haven’t experienced this, I hope this reminds you to always tell the people you care about you’re sorry for that stupid fight and you love them — don’t have regrets.

28 Comments on "Getting Over The Death Of An Ex"

  1. Chloe says:
    Fri, 5th Aug 20113:42 pm 

    Check out the blog “Carissa Explains it All”
    You’ll have to go back a bit into her archives, but she started it as a way to cope with the sudden death of a guy who had been her on again/off again boyfriend for her teen years and early twenties. It’s super sad, but she has really great perspective and handles it with so much more grace than I know I would.

  2. Victoria says:
    Fri, 5th Aug 20116:10 pm 

    Wow. I'm so sorry. I have never been in a situation like this so I can't even imagine how it feels. This is the first article I've ever read about this and I found it so heartfelt and informative. Sometimes things may seem awkward between us and someone else but hopefully they understand that we truly care about them.

  3. Yasmine says:
    Fri, 5th Aug 20119:53 pm 

    Your article hit really close to home- sophmore year I was on again of again with a boy who I really liked, and things randomly ended. I felt like i never got closure, and while we still kept in touch I never had the guts to tell him I still thought about him all the time. A year later I was studying abroad in France, when i realized it had been awhile since we last spoke. I went to his facebook to leave a comment, and was mortified to see comments saying things like "I hope you're resting in peace" and "Not a day goes by that you aren't in my prayers." He passed away from a drug overdose, and for pretty much every day for six months I was tormented by the fact I would never see him again.

    This article adresses pretty much every issue I dealt with ( I also wrote him a long letter and found it really helped). I am so sorry to hear you went through a similar ordeal. All I can say is that as time goes on- the hurt goes away and you can begin to smile in memory of them as opposed to being in pain. I agree that life can be too short, so people should never hesitate to tell the people they care about that they love them.

  4. Sarah says:
    Wed, 10th Aug 20112:01 am 

    The only boy I ever loved accidentally died when I was almost 16. We'd had a very tumultuous history, where we'd broken up but never stopped acting like we were together, even after we were dating other people (both of our new SOs were pretty far away, for a while we were even still fooling around), and we'd both been talking about how much we missed one another not two weeks before it happened. I remember how surreal it all felt, and how it didn't really sink in for a good year. I'm 21 now, and I still don't think I'm completely over him. I've just recently started dating again, truthfully – it's taken me a very long before I even had any interest in anyone, since then.

  5. Maria says:
    Fri, 12th Aug 20118:58 pm 

    I can closely relate to the pain you are experiencing. Nearly 5 months ago, I also lost an ex, Jorden, due to a tragic accident. Our story was simple: we never argued and both felt strongly for one another, although the words were never exchanged. Our relationship was growing more each day until he suddenly ended things with no explanation. Months went by without hearing from him, until one day he finally contacted me. By this time, I was involved with someone else. After speaking to my ex for awhile, he eventually admitted that the reason he had ended things with me in the first place was because he was afraid to fall in love and get his heart broken, and he knew that's where it was headed. We left it at that for nearly a year. On March 19, 2011, I woke up to a missed call and a voicemail from Jorden, also the same day that he passed away. The voicemail he sent only a few hours before his death went on to say "I think I love you. I don't know why I was so scared." As it is clear to see, this experience was the deepest and darkest time of my life. Without the help of my sorority sisters, and specifically my best friend, I know it would have been impossible to overcome, and especially impossible to find closure at his funeral, which I attended on my 19th birthday. Although it has been almost 5 months since his death, not a day goes by that I don't think of him. It is something that will always remain an important and difficult part of my life.

  6. Jess says:
    Sat, 13th Aug 20114:04 pm 

    thank you so much, this helped me get the closure i needed but didnt know how. your story is so much like mine and it really helped.

  7. Harrak says:
    Sat, 13th Aug 201111:15 pm 

    Thank you for this , one year ago my ex took his own life after a fight he had with his new girlfriend in addition to a lot of problems that plagued him throughout his life. I had been very good friends with him for a number of years but mostly lost contact after we broke up. We only really dated for 2 months so I was almost embarrassed by my level of grief ,and like your situation I was apparently one of his many exes . Two days before he died he texted me asking him to call him so we could talk about the problems he was having with his girlfriend , and I blew him off. The morning after his body was found I tried to call him several times and he obviously didn't answer , I decided to facebook chat him and that is also how I discovered he had died.
    Even though he was my best friend prior to our dating, for the longest time I thought I was being foolish and that nobody in my kind of situation grieved like I was but reading this has validated my mentality. Thank you

  8. jim smith says:
    Sun, 14th Aug 201111:59 am 

    What a great article! It definitely can be a tough thing and it definitely does take time to get over the one you love. Honestly I have found a great strategy that helped me out personally. You can check it out here: http://gettingoverbreakup.net/ Just wanted to pass this information to you to share as well!

    Jim

  9. Angelw says:
    Tue, 16th Aug 201111:16 pm 

    Like most of you I am going through the same situation. I lost my love of 6 years. We broke up over some stupid reasons and lost all contact. He died recently due to a motorcycle accident. Since our breakup I found out that we both drove past each others house to see if we could get a glimpse of one another. We also talked about one another to our friends. We were both still very much in love. Since our breakup I was married and had 2 kids. I am not sure that I love my husband the way I loved my ex. My husband and I have a lot of differences and don’t get along that well. I want a divorce but I am not sure it is worth it. I don’t know how I will ever find someone like my ex and this seems like payback….as bad as that sounds. How do you know what to do?

  10. kayla says:
    Wed, 17th Aug 20114:18 am 

    first off, im sorry to hear about your loss. ive never lost anyone close to me but you reaching out with this story really helped me out.
    the first guy i fell for, we ended up being best friends, then slowly over more than a years time, started dating until it was a realtionship, but never official. while being together, his mom passed away suddenly. one day she was here, the next she was in the hospital, brain dead. a few days later she passed away. it hit him extremely hard because he was very close to her, it was a few weeks after his birthday and two months before his graduation. the next few months were really hard. i didnt know what i could do, so all i did was listen and be there for him. almost 5 months later, he says he wants to date someone else. someone he just met. it hurt so bad to hear him say that. i cried (and still cry some days). its been almost a year since then and it doesnt hurt anyless.

  11. kayla says:
    Wed, 17th Aug 20114:18 am 

    ps just like you i did my best to avoid him everytime i saw him. yet in the back of my mind i wish wed run into eachother and that one day we would make amends and we could be friends again. you made me realize i shouldnt wait for something to happen to try and make things right. because maybe time isnt on our side. thank you

  12. Ms S says:
    Wed, 17th Aug 20112:51 pm 

    I've been there. So sorry for your loss. Mine was ex high school sweetheart who died in the WTC on 9/11. It took me months to fully recover. I always thought that someday we'd get back together. We kept in touch and so wanted to get back but things never worked out that way. I was devastated. I feel your pain.

  13. NeoDra says:
    Fri, 19th Aug 20112:46 am 

    sad story
    thanks for sharing and feel sorry for what happened to you

  14. Marie says:
    Fri, 19th Aug 20113:23 am 

    I was heartbroken as well, when I found out that one of my ex's passed away.
    I met him at a time in my life, where I was very lonely, very needy, but he was there.
    He helped me because he was in the Army and I was in the Army as well. We met at a club one night while I was at home on vacation about to go back to training in a few days. I was a new Soldier just finished with basic training and he had been in for several years. Meeting him was I believe God's will. He told me that I was too pretty to be in the Army and introduced me to his friends. We exchanged numbers and I was shocked when he actually called! I knew that guys at clubs like to play games. He told me that he wanted to see me again, but I said that I would rather hang out with my family since I only had a few days left at home.

  15. Marie says:
    Fri, 19th Aug 20113:23 am 

    He understood. A few days after meeting, I went back to training and we kept in touch. Every night, it was so good to have him to talk to. Since he was in the Army, he knew what it was like to be lonely and in a new place and he really helped me through that time in my life. He was so sweet, he would send me texts at like 1 am telling me I love you babe. Good night Princess. He was just amazing. We would talk until 2 or so about everything though we both knew that we had to wake up early the next morning. We talked about getting married, we talked about going to church together. And he was stationed at Ft Hood, and then I received orders that I was going to be going to Ft Hood after I got done with my training. He told all of his friends and told me they said it was like a fairy tale. Eventually, I started to pull away. I think that it was too hard for me to really commit. Though I really cared about him, I was afraid to get too close. I also had a hard time with him being so far away, I needed someone to be there physically. And though I never got involved with anyone where I was stationed, I started to date others.

  16. Marie says:
    Fri, 19th Aug 20113:24 am 

    And we just kind of lost contact. Eventually I told him that I needed some space. I was getting out of the army due to medical reasons, and I it was SO Hard for me to just TELL him that.
    I was ashamed and embarrassed and felt like a failure.
    And he told me, Don't worry, I will take care of you.
    And I said, I dont WANT you to take care of me. I cared about him, but the last thing I wanted was for some guy ANY GUY to support me all of my life.
    I sent him an email after I got out, and he responded, but something about the tone of the email just struck me as odd. I didn't feel like trying anymore. I was heartbroken, disillusioned from losing my dream, and frustrated at how everything just fell apart. And I told him that I didn't want him to contact me again, to not email me or call, just to leave me alone. And I left it at that.
    A few years later, I met my husband and though I still had issues, we have been working through them together.
    I am happy with the new life I have.

  17. Marie says:
    Fri, 19th Aug 20113:25 am 

    I had a dream about my ex a few years ago, and I dreamt that i was at Ft Hood and he came up to me and said something strange like that he was not going to let me go.
    I felt so uncomfortable around him, I just wanted to get away.
    A few years later on, I was thinking about that dream and got curious about him.
    I had looked him up several times in the past because I regretted what I did, but never found any way to contact him.
    This time, I googled his name again and was horrified to find out that he died in Iraq. It was just awful.
    It has been about a year since I found out, but I find myself dealing with it in secret. I hate the thought that I looked him up, and I hate the fact that I feel ashamed about talking about my pain because I am married. Granted, my husband knows about the situation, and he doesnt make me feel badly, it is just very difficult grieving openly about another man while married to someone else.
    God has helped me to come to the conclusion that

  18. Marie says:
    Fri, 19th Aug 20113:26 am 

    1. If it was TRULY His will for my ex and I to be together that nothing in all the powers of hell would have been able to stop us from being a couple and working out.
    2. That God has a plan for each of our lives. We cannot stop or try to "save" someone else from their death whether it be an accident or self inflicted. There were times I wish that I had been there for him because then maybe he wouldn't have died, that God would have spared him if I wa there, but that was just not true.
    3. That I really NEED to be healed of this to be able to fully love and appreciate my own God given husband. That holding back from my husband won't make dealing with my ex's death any easier.

  19. Marie says:
    Fri, 19th Aug 20113:26 am 

    4. To forgive myself. I did make mistakes and said things I wish that I didn't say, but again, God allowed me to make mistakes for a reason. That we had a season together and then it ended, but he was not meant to be my husband or anyone elses for that matter.

    When I think about what could have happened, I realize that I could be in such a different place right now. Possibly a widow probably with children, completely lost and devastated. I am glad that God had a different plan.

  20. EK says:
    Sat, 20th Aug 20112:07 am 

    I can definitely relate to this article. I am only 22 years old and this has happened twice. When I was 19, my boyfriend from high school passed away from an accidental overdose. We were together for 2 years and he was my first love, first everything. He died 7 months after we broke up and I was devastated. I felt like it was my fault – I thought it wouldn’t have happened if I had been there at the time (he had moved out of state). He contacted me exactly 1 month before his death telling me I needed to get out of the town I had currently been living in.

    I began dating my second and only other serious boyfriend later on that year, though I still wasn’t completely over my first boyfriend’s death. I was with my second boyfriend for a year and it was an amazing relationship. He was so good to me in every way and made me feel alive again. Then, 2 months after I broke it off with him, he died in a car accident. It was not even 2 years after the death of my first boyfriend.

    This has forever changed me. When you go to the funeral of an ex, you never picture yourself doing it again in the future. It’s as if you consider yourself immune. I began seeing a therapist and she told me that in all of her years of practice she had never encountered these circumstances in a patient. I felt so alone. I began to wonder if everyone I dated was going to die.

    With the help of my therapist, friends, and family, I’ve been able to cope with both of my losses. It definitely hasn’t been an easy process but I’ve learned a lot about myself and what both life and death means to me. Both of my ex-boyfriends were devout Christians and I truly believe they are now my guardian angels. I found the book “I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye” by Brooke Noel to be a very therapeutic book for these situations. I suggest it to anyone who has gone through this, no matter what the circumstances are.

  21. Jordan says:
    Wed, 24th Aug 20117:37 pm 

    I too had an ex from an on-again, off-again relationship die suddenly, and all I can say about your article is YES! Everything that you said rang so true to me and my situation. It happened a little over two years, and I still remember feeling all of the feelings you’ve mentioned as though it was yesterday. I know it sounds cliche, but time truly does heal all wounds. I was lucky enough to have family and friends who in one way or another suggested that I follow all of the steps you outlined above, and they all truly helped me. Nobody can say that how long or in what manner you choose to grieve is wrong; you have to take whatever time or steps are necessary for YOU to get through this. Two years later I still think about him every day, and I probably will for a long time. However, it’s no longer with the raw emotion and pain that I felt back then. I can think about him fondly, without rehashing all of the things I feel I did wrong, and berating myself. You’ll get through this! Take some time to yourself, and just be happy you were able to have met him at all. :-)

  22. grace4s says:
    Tue, 3rd Jul 20129:42 pm 

    What you said is exactly what I’m going through but me and my guy were together for ages then broke up then he died. It was 7 months ago now but still the pain is as raw as the day I found out. I’m always talking to him, facebooking him etc. He was my first love and always will be in my heart. I cantsettle down with no one cos he’s the only guy I wanna be with. I know one day ill have to move on but he will always be wthe one who has my heart.

  23. Anon says:
    Fri, 11th Jan 20136:07 pm 

    My ex had committed suicide by hanging himself. I can connect to this story but I have yet to connect over losing someone through suicide. We ended our relationship in spite because he had gotten into hard drugs. My friends supported me and my health, mentally, and put him down because of the choices he made. When he died, my friends remarked, "Wow. So you're actually going to his funeral? Why? You didn't get along in the end". Why would I not go? I was in love. Just because I'm not now doesn't change how I felt before because we had such an intimate connection. I am close to his family and want to be there for support. The experience has been heart breaking. I have nightmares and bad dreams every night – when I can sleep. I did see a therapist but am not seeing one now. I think I am going to look for a life coach because my fear is how do I become intimate with another person after because traumatized? I'm afraid to fall in love again.

  24. Tori Hyland says:
    Sun, 24th Mar 20134:22 pm 

    Thank you for this really. My ex bf just passed away 5 days ago from a heroine overdose. We dated about a year ago and were only official for a short amount of time but spent every day and night together for almost 4 months straight. We had a rocky relationship. I had ended things because I found out he was talking to other girls then he begged for me back and we were together for a little while longer but I decided to end it again after having trust issues.

  25. Tori Hyland says:
    Sun, 24th Mar 20134:22 pm 

    We were apart from each other for the summer but after summer I kept seeing him around more and more and wanted him back and missed him. He had already moved on and started dating other people but still kept me on the side. I never fully got over him and now this has made things worse. I do feel stupid because I am always wondering if he loved those other girls after me more then he cared about me. We had so many unresolved issues. Thank you for your story and your advice. It has helped.

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    Sat, 8th Jun 20135:25 am 

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