He Said/She Said: 6 Worst Sex Positions

Let me begin by thanking Cosmopolitan magazine for being the basis of my sex education knowledge. My conservative mother would not sign the “allow your child to take the sex ed” waiver…so I had to turn to Cosmo in the midst of my confusion and all of my wildest sexual fantasies were brought to life, or at least written on a shiny page.

So thank you, Cosmo, for your use of girly language that made everything seem way better than it actually is. For example, having an “ice cream sandwich with my man, naked”…umm no. You forgot to mention that the chocolate sides are apt to getting stuck between my teeth, therefore my go-to “flash him a sexy smile” move is instantly ruined when he mistakes me for a homeless woman and not a sex-kitten eating an ice cream sandwich.

Among the many overrated things I’ve learned from this magazine, my sex-loving friends and boyfriends over the years are certain sex positions. Don’t get me wrong here, I love sex. All day, any day. I love challenging sex, lovey-dovey sex, breakup sex, make-up sex…Okay, you get it, I like sex! In my years of sexual escapades, I’ve tried my fair share of different positions. Let me tell ya, some were mind-blowing, scream out-loud amazing. But some just didn’t make the cut. (Some did and we discussed our fave positions last week!)

Below is my list of least favorite sex positions (and no, Cosmo failed to mention that some are less pleasing than others):

Reverse Cowgirl: I know, I know! Some girls are really into the whole “my ass is in full view of your face” positions. But I, however, am not.

Position rundown: He’s laying down on his back, girl is sitting upright on his junk facing away from his head, legs on either side of his hips as if she’s a “cowgirl riding her cowboy.” It sounds worse than it is, I promise. For one, no clitoral stimulation (unless he’s going to get “handsy” with you). Two, did I mention your butt is in complete full view? As in, your raisin and all that? Somehow I just can’t feel sexy knowing he can literally see more of me than I’ve ever been able to see. And finally, since I’m not facing him, I’ve got too many things to look at and distract me! His TV playing re-runs of The Real World, a painting (for the artsy boy) or his Bob Marley poster (for the college-guy). Needless to say, as hyped-up as this one is, it doesn’t make the cut for me.

Erotic Accordion: This one just sounds bad!

Position rundown: he’s lying down on his back, girl is sitting on top in squat position with his legs over girl’s shoulders. I thought this one would be great because I like girl-on-top positions, but between feeling that I was more frog than human, my guy’s painful shrieks (he’s not the most flexible) and the fact that I was getting more of a quad workout than sexual pleasure, I realized our Erotic Accordion was not going to make anything close to pretty music. Oh yes, and his feet near my face? A total turnoff.

Any position…On a countertop: One night my guy’s roomie was out so we decided to try for a quickie in the kitchen and “spice things up” (sorry, I had to!).

Position rundown: Just like in the movies, with one swift swoop of his arm he removed mail, newspaper pages and whatever else was posted up on the countertop. (It was pretty sexy). In the midst of the naughty mood, he picked me up and placed me on the counter, then jumped on top. Things simmered fairly quick when my tailbone began to throb and his knees were rubbed raw due to the hard surface. Not to mention that the countertops hadn’t been cleaned in a long time. Bottom line: Painful and disgusting does not make for a fun sexcapade.

Standing Up: Remember when Keira Knightley and James McAvoy swiped their v-cards during that super steamy library scene in Atonement? …Only to be creepily interrupted by her little sister? Well here’s the thing, it’s not really like that! (Not the creepy interruption, the standing sex…).

Position rundown: Girl and guy face each other, hug, and he lifts her legs around his torso. Though this position has some great qualities, such as the face-to-face action and intimate closeness, it’s simply not as easy as it looks. For one, you’ve got to have a dude who cannot only lift you, but also hold you for an extended period of time. And unlike having a bed or some hard surface to push off from while thrusting, the only thing you’ve got to work with is air. This one is a fun way to start off your sexy time, but it’s not exactly going to get the job done.

Frisky Floor Show: Think of stretching in pike position while standing…and then something pokes you from behind.

Position rundown: Girl does standing pike position (girl can adjust angle degree between hands and feet), while guy penetrates from behind. As you’ve gathered, I am not a fan of displaying my full backside…and this one really puts everything on display. That’s strike one. Blood rushing to my head because my head is literally about to touch the floor. Strike two. No possibility of a good boob-grabbing (which I love) because he can’t reach your girls. Strike three. I prefer to tweak this one just a bit by laying on my stomach instead of in an awkward stretch. Much better!

Face-to-Face Fandango: I’m not a 60-year-old woman or anything, but having a history in dance and volleyball didn’t exactly leave my knees invincible to pain. This position specifically will kill you if you’ve got anything close to sensitive knees!

Position rundown: Girl is on her back with knees bent under her butt, guy on top. Aaand suddenly my pleasure moans have just turned into shouts of pain. Not only is the pain enough to push my guy off, but the feeling of my calves squished against my ass makes me feel suuuper attractive…and then my mind wanders into that extra set of squats I should have done during yesterday’s workout. Oh good, now I’m having an instant fat moment. Save yourself the agony and easily modify this position into bliss and comfort by simply folding your legs back down. Viola, missionary!

Take it from this sex-goddess (kidding), these positions are at the bottom of the barrel. Then again, what works for some just doesn’t work for others. I am always open to try new things, so if you’ve got one that sounds appealing, let me know! Or if you disagree and find one of these six to be your favorite, leave a comment below. I’m open to debate and discussion!

Find out what HE SAID at



  1. naya says:

    Hilarious article! I think one day I might give the reverse cowgirl a try though, once I get more confident.

    Can you do an article on the 6 best sex positions one day? I always wanted to know what everyone truly likes and what really works!

    1. Shannon says:

      She did last week. Just go to relationships and scroll down or to the next page.

    2. jeanne says:

      i love the reverse cowgirl…..i don't mind showing my ass….and i use a toy on myself-i squirt so its a big turn on for him to get a face full….

    3. tammyann1 says:

      I lmfao.. very funny. my bf laughed too… But my guy and I do like reverse cow-girl… he's a butt guy, I think many men like to see sexy ass. HAHAHAH! laughter is good. Great article.

  2. sammy says:

    i'm seriously wishing I hadn't stopped seeing this guy who's in the military right now. i've always wanted to do standing up…he's easily a foot and a half taller than me and ripped to pieces…and whenever we had a disagreement or i didn't want to go somewhere he would just scoop me up and carry me….DARN!!

    1. Bel says:

      Wow, really? I would be so super pissed if someone I was supposed to be dating started treating me like a little kid whenever we had a disagreement. No matter what he looked like, I wouldn't let him condescend to me like that.

  3. Deb says:

    My boyfriend and I really like reverse cowgirl! You just have to find the right angle and it isn't hard to stimulate yourself while you're on top…duh!

    1. kay says:

      If I have to stimulate myself, forget it – I'll use my dildo thanks!

  4. CashmereAvenue says:

    For a girl with a big booty and a guy who is an ass man, we love reverse cowgirl, he gets an amazing view of my ass, while i get an amazing view of Vh1, its a win win situation!

  5. Reen says:

    You sounds so boring to have sex with.

  6. the dominator says:

    reen says: You sounds so boring to have sex with.
    and then some. you don't want him to see your ass from the cowgirl position?
    you got some issues there sweetie. i see you as a bitter divorcee in about 10 years with a couple of kids whose husband left her because she would only let him have a little action (missionary only of course)
    about once a month and he left to be with a woman who was a bit more fun.
    sorry to be harsh but, you sound rather stuffy.

    1. Tee says:

      I just think she's a little uptight about her behind. If these are the only positions in YOUR book, you're boring.

    2. Rebecca says:

      So out of hundreds of sex positions she doesn't like 6 and she's boring? You sound like a virgin whose defensive about it.

    3. F*** You says:

      To the dominator.. well for starters your name is the dominator.. compensating for something much… and "a little action, missionary only" still sounds like a lot more than your getting. douche.

    4. Domina_Cat says:

      Wow. What morons. She writes it based on her opinion on purpose. All articles are done this way. She said she's tried all of these and so what if she has issues with her ass? Everyone has some kind of insecurity. and if she and tried these, it seems to me that she has a pretty open mind in bed. &&Just in case you didn't get it from the intelligent reply, I'll simplify it for you: GTFO, MO-FO, she is giving her opinion and if you don't like it, don't read it.

    5. emme michaela says:

      Anybody who disrespects someone who like to try new positions by calling them boring or a prude obviously has nothing to offer anyone but their anus. The positions she commented about are stupid. They do not do what they are supposed to do, which is to bring about pleasure. They are merely for useless people to brag about–mainly that they actually found someone who was pathetic enough to have sex with them. I feel sorry for girls who think they have to be the most perverted person out there to get a man. For the record, I have been having amazing sex way more than once a month with my faithful (and satisfied) husband for the past 20 years. I doubt this girl will have any problem keeping a real man, just as I'm sure you will never have a loving relationship with anyone.

  7. the dominator says:

    oh by the way, great pic of the gawking hipster on the right side of the pic!!

    1. actually those rnt hipsters the pick one is the the gawking(tan) one is….. breif pantys? no no they must b boyshorts brief pantys go lik just below ur bellybutton…. well either way hipsters r low cut n covers lik half way up ur ass cheek :P

    2. Omai says:

      You obviously don't know what a hipster is.
      The man gawking to the right is a hipster.

  8. […] Sex is great, these positions however are not. (College Candy) […]

  9. alexandros says:

    You girl, have issues with your ass. I'd wanna work that out if i were you!

  10. Kitty Case says:

    Sorry, saw what people had posted and had to leave a comment.. People are comfortable with whatever they're comfortable with, and whatever they're not, it's freakin up to them!! EVERY f***ing person has hang-ups, if yours is your ass, then it's your ass!! I personally don't like my legs but f**k what everyone else thinks because that's just me and i really don't care. I won't let my partner try anal!! But it doesn't mean he's gonne leave me or love me any less! We tried and it wasn't for us, i bet you crabby b*****rds don't love EVERY sex position. Lay the hell off!

    1. jemmajuju says:

      calm down! it's just one point of view and not the law. it was entertaining and humorous, and I think that most of us are hopefully confident enough to do (or not do) whatever we want (or don't want)~ geez!!

    2. Omai says:

      Obviously you didn't read her comment. She was defending the chick who made this. She's pissed off at the comments people are making and how people are calling the girl a prude just because she doesn't like these positions.

  11. Riley says:

    I think the best part about all of these comments is that obvs this girl isn't afraid to try new things! I mean let's be real, how many of you have actually ever tried anything called the "face-to-face fandango?" Uh yeah, that's what I thought. And if this girl is writing about her sexual escapades, it's also highly doubtful that she's a prude, like some of you seem to think! So she doesn't want to stick her a$$hole in a dudes face? Kitty Case (above) said it best…some things aren't for others! …and wait, didn't she actually say that at the end of the article? Mmmhm, let's read things thoroughly next time. I think it was great, thanks for sharing!

  12. quimbys says:

    I have to agree with some of the things that you say. As a man, however, I find you to be exceedingly interested in what feels good to you, but nothing about what your man thinks. Are men just providers of pleasure then? A living sex toy?

    1. Sara says:

      I don't really think that's the point she was making. This is an article from a woman's point of view so she's describing what *she* find enjoyable. Obviously if the guy your doing it with really hates a position you won't do it, and if he loves a position that's not your favorite you can still throw it in from time to time.

    2. quimbys says:

      Yeah, that's my point. She was only describing what *she* finds enjoyable. Apparently none of what *she* finds enjoyable involves her man enjoying anything. I personally enjoy positions my partner finds enjoyable. I kind of think of sex as a mutual thing.

    3. Domina_Cat says:

      She posted a site to find what men might like. GTFO or read the WHOLE ARTICLE. It was meant to be in HER perspective because SHE is the one writing it. Not HER AND HER PARTNER. I officially name you and Dominator the kings of all things ignorant, arrogant and intolerant. D<

  13. Chuck says:

    Yeah, I started reading this, and immediately realized it was utter nonsense. Don't do reverse cowgirl? I think that's probably the second best position ever. Keep reading Cosmo. I'm sure THAT's helping your sex life.

    Side note, did you ever think maybe the guy WANTS to look at your ass?

    Le sigh.

    1. Domina_Cat says:

      Chuck, just because he likes it doesn't mean she should do it if it makes her uncomfortable. They can find a position that they both enjoy.

  14. bobinnh says:

    this read like it was written by a highschooler. personal preferences are one thing but to diss positions and give suggestions based on the author's dislike of her own body and her prudieness is self-centered and amateurish. i doubt she's very much fun in bed- too uptight.

  15. carmen says:

    I think this was a great post; ignore all the jealous people leaving you negative and unconstructive comments. I like that you've been so honest and real, and have actually done an article that isn't all 'this will give you THE best orgasm ever' and 'you'll be his dream sex goddess.' Sex isn't always sensual and sexy, it can be messy and uncomfortable! What's good is to share your experience and laugh about it, realising what you do and don't like and having a partner who is the same. (And it sounds like your partner sounds like he is on the same wavelength as you, happy to try new things and not mind if you/he doesn't like them.) You are not boring or a prude, if anything you are more adventurous than most, and i expect you have a great ass. But the fact that you worry about your ass makes you even more likeable :). Keep writing and keep having adventurous sex so you can share with us your experiences!

  16. […] 6: Awful sex positions you won’t want to try anytime soon. (College Candy) […]

  17. […] 6: Awful sex positions you won’t want to try anytime soon. (College Candy) […]

  18. yeep says:

    I have TEARS rolling down my cheeks! THANK YOU c:
    Yeah the bf and i tried the Standing Up one; we collapsed into a heap of giggles cause it all went very, very WRONG!

  19. someone says:

    its not really it depends, i mean if her man love her as the way she is then it doesn't matter really and every person can have fun but in their own way so i don't get along with the negative comments hence she and her guy are happy in experiencing stuff she believes in this to be true and so we do ave our own ideas all, right? no need to be negative please…

    Thank you for the post :)

  20. kaustav says:

    Who cares what's good or bad position just enjoy & let your partner do the job.

  21. I loved this article! It was fun, humorous and informative, all at the same time. Thank you for sharing.

  22. Sarah says:

    Personally, as a bisexual girl who happens to also LOVE ass, I also know just what you mean about faces and asses getting up close and personal… I like my ass, and I like other girl's asses, and that still doesn't mean that I want to gaze deeply at her anus. Not that sexy. Not nauseating or a deal-breaker, or anything, just one of those things that would inevitably distract from pleasure, no matter who's ass it is. Maybe your boyfriend does want to see your ass. Maybe sometimes he wants something that you don't. You clearly work it out with each other. Your sex life is your sex life, and I don't think that you sound selfish at all. It sounds like you and your boyfriend happen to both be on the same page- open, fun, funny, communicative and supportive. If you don't want him staring into your colon while you gaze around the room and feel like you could be sleeping with anyone, that's your prerogative. You go, girl! I'm a lover of sex, and all of these positions either sound/look really hard or unpleasant, or I've tried them and they just don't do it. To each their own!

    1. Naomi says:

      omg this really did make me laugh out loud! 'staring onto your colon' that's fab, i think im gunna wee myself!!

  23. Phone sex says:

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  24. doye says:

    this is so dumb! EVERYONE like different freaky, sexual things after years of experience or different partners. its all about communication and trusting your partner to express whats working and whats not. in my experience guys just get off on the fact that i'm telling them what feels good and they keep doing it to get me off and feel like a man just cuz they can get a girl off. sure they might like certain positions more than others, just talk about it!

    1. One Word says:

      Agree with every word and to sum into one, "communication."

  25. very satisfied says:

    Tried all of em and enjoyed all of them! I’m flexible and not in need of major clitoral stimulation thus the exception… all are worth a shot especially for the possible flubs :) a good laugh in bed makes the sex even better. Always.

  26. kittygiri says:

    My man and I actually almost always finish with reverse cowgirl. It gets him "there" in less than a minute, so when I'm done and ready for his turn, it a definite go-to. Then again, while he's not into butts that much, he likes looking at mine in that position (not that he has too much time to look with his eyes closed and head thrown back in ecstasy :P ).

  27. krys says:

    maybe the author should be more comfortable with her body then she wouldn't be so worried about how she looks and might actually ENJOY the sex ;) works for me

  28. Widi 'Widya' says:

    LOL. I'm burst out of laughing. This article hillarious. Thank for the post.

  29. Omgwana Kikbuti says:

    I hope you meant "Voila" instead of "Viola." Playing a stringed instrument while in the missionary position is not the best way to make beautiful music with the one you love.

  30. beentheredonethat says:

    HAha! Your hilarious, i love this article!! keep the honesty up!! I've tried all of these…the fandango one definitely does not make the playbook list. And the Erotic accordion is painful for him, somethings are not meant to move in awkward directions!! Good work tho! keep doing the research and share!

  31. joshua says:

    ok this is for the bisexual girl who supposedly loves ass real talk if it bothers u to have a womans ass in your face than maybe you dnt love it that much…….for the woman who wrote this blog….you know nothing about what a man wants ever heard the saying lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets…probably not (and its popular too,,,too bad) well 95% of the time men dnt want to have intimate sex, that is why we watch porn to fulfill our fantasies that there are women out there that like raw dirty sex we dnt want to be face to face with u unless your saying some real kinky shit to get us going (and it has to be done right coming on too strong w the same approach a guy would is jus disgusting) and if your uncomfortable doing doggystyle because of ur ass its probably cause its flat and barely gets ne compliments

  32. Nicknack says:

    The person who wrote this article has major body issues…just saying

  33. OhMishaReally says:

    Personal opinions are very revealing, both positive and negative, most of the raison d’etre’s in this column have in my opinion to do with how fit one is… sadly the last few generations simply aren’t as fit as the generation/ s that created these moves she objects to. If you can’t manage a standing position… then it’s time to STOP and get back into some kind of regular toning exercise. What we did was Dance dance at home alone, dance at your desk with your walkman/ er ipod… Broadcast all your BFF’s to meet at a club at a specific time, and TAKE THE PLACE DOWN, leaving a modicum of four to six hours before time to show up at work Fresh the next day… That’s what we did. Improve your diet. Work on pelvic flexibility. If you are screwing from your knees to your arm-pitts you NEED to discover that there’s a powerful hinge in your pelvic joints. I’m guessing that this ‘Reporter’ has one of those ‘cute’ voices like she still thinks she’s the daddies darling she was when she was 12yrs old, and uses OMG & lol in 75% of her ‘conversation’ on-line.

  34. Mary says:

    But I guess it all comes down to what your partner is really looking for…

  35. Jim says:

    I'm 73, my significant other is 70 (YES, seniors do still have sex!), and to us there are no 'worst' positions, just some are better than others. We enjoy my giving her oral for an extended period, then rear entry, with her legs on the side of the bed, me standing, so I can caress clit and nipples. She says she likes rear entry best because she feels so 'filled up', and I like it best because I feel so totally enveloped.

    1. Sierra says:

      WHOOOOOOOA! Now I can't get the visual of my grandparents having sex. {Shudder}

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  38. jim says:

    i can nvr seem to turn my girl on? wats the best way to do that?

  39. TGFOREVER says:

    Laughed so bloody hard, thanks for those. Tried all with no luck! lol

  40. Alexis says:

    This was hilarious! I don't think any position is ever as good as they say in articles or show in movies. I however am lucky enough to be able to enjoy the standing position… my man is about 4 inches shorter than me so everything lines up perfectly!

  41. Rebeca says:

    These positions lack creativity and are in some cases physically uncomfortable.

  42. heehaha says:

    I don't get the last one… How can you possibly get your knees under your butt when you're on your back? Confused.

  43. katyboo says:

    Interesting article. I have some insecurities but my bf thinks i am gorgeous no matter what. As for some of the positions, i aint sure i would try some of them cause they seem like they would be painful or uncomfortable. And like the author said, not every position is for everyone. And btw guys, being a real man takes respect for other people, especially your woman. Dont push her to do anything she doesnt wanna do, you wouldnt want her to try to make you do something you dont wanna do.

  44. lynn says:

    my boyfriend loves the "reverse cowgirl", he likes the full view, i guess cuz hes an ass man

  45. fliver54 says:

    You walked buy and missed the best kitchen aid, the table, you lay flat on table and your man stands on floor and pulls you to him penetrationnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn is out of this WORLD.

  46. ziziraad says:

    no thing in my mind

  47. EMA says:

    i loved this. it was awesome and i know from experience that all these positions are either very uncomfortable or very distracting. and the one with your calfs up against your butt? that one truely sucks when you are on a hard surface or happen to accidentally slip into that position in a car. my bf and i loved these, wrote them down and tried them out just to see what it was like. totally amazing how the mood can get completely shut down when one of you is in pain. loved this article and agree with every position you posted. none of them are worth it.

  48. Raphael says:

    I dont comment ever, but holy crap. You are so far from anything relative it's ridiculous. For one, Reverse Cowgirl is great. If you are that self conscious with your bf / fwb that you don't want him to see your naked ass, then you should hide your snatch too, because with a perspective like yours, wrinkly p**sy lips and 2 big bags of fat hanging from your chest with weird moles poking out the center are much more disturbing than a tiny closed hole. Men poop. Women poop. It comes out of a butt hole. We are super lucky because instead of having a big gaping hole in our butt, we have a sphincter that closes her up nice and tight. If you're that self conscious, you should not be having sex in the first place. You could just become Muslim, then you don't have to have pleasure yourself or have sex ever again! Your butt-hole is save forever from being seen!

    P.S. I feel really bad for your BF/Husband/FWB, because you are definitely one of those girls who doesn't give blow jobs. I would never date a girl that doesn't suck dick.

    1. Light Headed says:

      Raphael, WE NEED TO MEET!!!

  49. alvinplay says:

    help me…what style should i make for my girl to like n enjoy best?

  50. Penelope says:

    First of all, if you’re getting all of your sex information from Cosmo theres a problem. I thought the article was suppose to be positions HE doesn’t like not YOU. I don’t care if you’re too self conscious for you man to see your ass, maybe you should do some squats!

  51. Fuck You says:

    This guy is a d!ck. Nobody cares what you like. This is what MEN are not suppose to like. I'm sorry that you are attracted to other men, but like most of us, we are attracted to women. I am 16, and I am pretty sure I have had sex at least 2 times a week.

  52. Alex says:

    If you lean forward a little while doing reverse cowgirl theres AWESOME clit stimulation!

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