Ask A Dude: Should I Dump Him Or Keep Trying?

Dear Dude,

I’ve been hanging out with a guy for a little over three months. We were inseparable almost from the start. When we weren’t at each others’ apartments, we were texting so a day never went by without us communicating in some way. HOWEVER, we were not dating because he “doesn’t date.” We never agreed to be exclusive and only promised to be forthcoming if things got physical with another person (it never did). Every once in a while he would make a comment about how hurt he was by his last long-term relationship and that he wasn’t interested in pursing something like that again. I know that this should have been a huge warning sign but I got caught up in how easy it was just being with him. Also, to make it clear, most of the time he seemed to be really invested in what we had together which always seemed to be a little more than casual sex.

This changed about two weeks ago. Suddenly, it seemed like I was a burden to him. I would come over and he would be standoffish and silent. I was worried that I was crowding him so I’d offer to go home but he always said that it was my choice if I wanted to stay or leave. I almost always stayed because I enjoy being around him and he would eventually unwind and act normally.

His distance was upsetting me though and the more upset I got the more withholding he became. A few days ago we got in a stupid fight. When I left he brought another girl over. I found out about it and asked what was going on with him. He told me he was making friends and that he never promised me anything more than what I got from him. I agreed with him, of course, because I was trying to be reasonable but I couldn’t help but point out that I thought we felt an affection for each other and that his behavior recently was hurting me. His response was that he liked everyone and I was no different than any of his other friends. I was a little put off by that and, rightly or wrongly, suggested that we stop sleeping with each other since I had obviously misinterpreted some stuff and needed to work it through. He became very angry and said that I was acting like a typical woman.

We argued for a little bit about what I feel versus what he feels. I tried to make it clear that all I want was to know that he cared for me. I’m not asking to “go steady” or for him to declare his undying love. He conceded that he did care and that our friendship wasn’t exactly like his others and reaffirmed that he would let me know if he began a sexual relationship with someone else. We hung out for a bit but I ended up going home to process stuff on my own. I thought we were at least okay after our talk but now he’s more distant than ever. I’m almost positive that he’s done with me and is waiting for me to just give up but I’m not sure. I know that I sound pretty desperate and self-deceiving but this is a man who declares his utter contempt for relationships one day and than asks if I’d take him with me when I move the next. So I guess my question is: do I back way off and just let him figure out what he wants from me? Or, should I try and keep in touch so he knows that I still want whatever it is we have to continue? I think it’s pretty obvious that I’ve developed feelings that he can’t or won’t reciprocate. My gut reaction is to just disappear. I really don’t want to be rejected by this guy and that seems to be where it’s heading.


A Walking, Talking Cliché

Dear A Walking, Talking Cliche

Gut instincts are funny things. For some people, their gut’s almost always on the money but for others, they go broke on all their hunches. Based on what your guy’s telling you, I’d list you as one of the former.

You are on the pain train headed to Hurtsville and now’s as good a tune to jump off as any. To get any kind of affirmation you practically have to put a vice on his balls or threaten him with green kryptonite. That’s not a healthy relationships, that’s almost you begging for emotional scraps. A position you haven’t done anything to deserve. Unfortunately, what you’re in is one of the dysfunctional pits of despair that a “not relationship” relationship can drop you into.

Boundaries shift as time goes on. There’s no way to avoid that reality. You can make all the rules in the beginning about what you are and aren’t but feelings evolve or devolve. Relationships, and I don’t care what kind we’re talking about, DO NOT REMAIN STATIC. They can’t. Because people don’t.

After a while, one person gets to feeling that he/she wants to go in one direction and hopefully, his/her partner will want to go in that direction also. Sometimes, it’s two people running in complete opposite directions. Unfortunately, that seems to be the case here. And make no mistake about it, trying to “hold on” to the status quo is in a force of movement. All movement’s relative after all. You want it to go one way and he’s trying to tug you in another and you’re just about at the breaking point.

You can make one last ditch effort and say, flat out: this is what I want, this is what I don’t want, if you don’t want the same things, then let’s call it quits now. On the other hand, if you don’t feel like going through that experience then cut the strings and free fall into emotional freedom.

Don’t let his indecision deprive you of what you need. Act first. Act now. Act according to what you need. That’s called growth. Do some of it. There might be some growing pains but they’ll be worth it to feel like the ground beneath you is that much stronger.

Make it work,

The Dude



  1. Rachel says:

    He said you were behaving like a typical woman???

    I would have ditched him just for that.

  2. Confessions of a Super Virgin says:

    Hahaha so true! Ugh I hate those "not relationship" relationships, they never work out and someone always gets hurt. Good advice, Dude! :)

  3. That guy says:

    This guy is a dickhead.
    Take a walk now.
    Own yourself.

  4. Mike Wilson says:

    You should find someone who does want a relationship with you since that seems to be what you want.

  5. Irina says:

    Some friendship…it seems like YOU are putting in all the effort and not him.

  6. […] then something like this comes along that makes you think we are all dogs. College Candy has been given a bit of a situation. A young man has been exclusive with a young woman for three […]

  7. dina m. says:

    This is why you don't sleep with a guy if you're not looking for just sex/casual & non-monogamous relationship. This guy is obviously a tool and you seem like a sweet girl and not to be cliche, but you truly deserve better and he should have had to bend over backwards to the earn the great privilege of being intimate with you. There needs to be an understanding between two people before they escalate things into the physical, because they never do stay physical, once the sex starts you're getting into strong emotional territory, chemical reactions happen and you get understandably attached. We delve into these things hoping that the guy will change his mind and fall in love with us. But in reality, he made it clear what it was from the get go, we can't be angry at someone who said "i'm not into relationships" and then said the same thing three months later when that's exactly what you signed up for.

    I say keep your dignity and kick him to the curb before he does, and then make him truly miss what he had, but don't make any contact with him whatsoever. My last relationship where I saw the warning signs of my bf being distant I had a bad gut feeling but before I could act on it I got dumped. That was when I decided to keep what shred of dignity I had left and never contact him again, even when he kept trying to contact me, we got back together (foolishly) for a few weeks around my birthday, then he pulled the same thing on me. After that he tried to fool me a third time, but I was very unresponsive and nearly a whole year after the deal I'm in the best relationship of my life, and my ex is still trying to be "friends" and "talk about things", but at least now I took the high road and let him know I'm not interested and came out on top after all of this, and I found a great bf that treats me so well :) I hope you get rid of this guy once and for all, and you'll be able to find your true soul mate, because this isn't him!

    And after this rant I'll leave you with a favorite saying of mine, "good things fall apart so better things can fall together" :D

  8. wondering women says:

    my guy, ive been with my guy for about a year…he proclaims his love for me….we are pretty much together everynight yet i wouldnt say we live together….im active with his family just came back from a big trip with them…the problem is he says all the right things but his action are so far from it. My gut feeling is that he is cheating but i dont have what i would call concrete undisputed proof. He wont let me see his phone or text messages…he has single on his facebook page i mentioned it to he was like we had a big fight and i changed it and he still hasnt change it……he is always starring at other women…its ok to admire someone but do you have to look them down……what do you think he is up to?

  9. stefanie says:

    I've been with my guy for almost 3 years. He's in the military and will be heading off to West Point for school in the fall. We're both 20 and have known each other since middle school. I developed a bad bout of depression that i've recently begun to get help for but that has put a huge strain on our relationship. He's tired of seeing me cry and always wants to give up. He doesn't put me first anymore and always acts annoyed by me when we talk. I took the day off for after his birthday so we could celebrate together and he said that inconveniences him. I just feel really unappreciated and as though there is no saving this relationship. But at the same time, I feel we've both put so much into it, that we can't quit. I stuck with him through basic training, AIT, and we go to separate colleges. Please help me.

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