Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: September Edition

Dianna Agron is on Septembers cover of Cosmo, looking fierce and…hungry. Why does Cosmo feel the burning urge to make woman’s boobs extremely bodacious and their waists unbelievably teeny? Honestly, Agron looks likes she was wrung out like a washcloth near the waistline one too many times. Then, Agron’s unnatural waistline led me to a few very enticing headlines.

By Brittany

My sex life has taken a nose dive into success before even opening the magazine! Because this month, I’m going to go naked and feel pleasure (awaiting the article fully clothed and by myself), learn about what my va-jay-jay is telling me (aside from calling it something sexier than a va-jay-jay), and about my bad-boy index. Can’t wait to see what a naughty fox I am. And take a shower.

In this month’s blatantly obvious sexy vs. skanky, Cosmo informed us that camel-colored heels are indeed more classy than camel toes. This as you can imagine, completely blew me away. Camel toes are artistic and different. Camel-colored heels are all the same (bor-ing).

In the 101 Things about Men tasty bit, Cosmo told us to “supercharge his desire” by talking dirty to him. Not just any dirty talk ladies. We are suppose to give him specific assignments like; “Put this here and that there.” No wonder so many chicks get tramp stamps these days. Less words, more satisfaction. Then, a sweet little half article caught my eye; 4 White Lies You Should Tell Your Guy. One of them, I can’t quite muster. In bed, if girls have done something naughty foxy, they are suppose to claim, “Nope, I’ve never done that in bed before either.”

Screw that. I’m getting a stop sign as my tramp stamp.

After a quick shower, (and shamelessly rubbing Justin Bieber’s Someday perfume sample all over my neck and upper arms), I came across an article where guys answered all of our sex questions. And Cosmo was nice enough to round up the biggest douche bags on planet earth. The very first question was “Do you ever prefer a hand job over having sex?” Aside from that being the stupidest question EVER, the answer was a triumphant, “Yes, but only when full-on sex isn’t an option, such as on an airplane or at the DMV.”

I didn’t read any more of the article.

Finally, I fell upon (pun intended) ‘The Sexiest Things to Do After Sex.’  Even though I’m pretty sure the sexiest thing to do is eat peppermint bon bon ice cream and read Ne-Yo lyrics out loud to each other, curiosity got the best of me.

Cosmo Says: Play with props. Have him lick chocolate syrup off your boobs. He’ll enjoy playing lab partner and watching their effects on you.

Brittany Says: Correct me if I’m wrong, but are we bringing scientific experiments into the bedroom and studying what happens when the man pours Hershey’s syrup all over our lady breasts (using the word “breasts” because that’s more scientific sounding)? Correct me if I’m wrong (again) but you’re naked, hence no lab coat is involved. And sorry but the closest thing to a science experiment is hypothesizing what caused the explosion downtown five minutes earlier.

Cosmo Says: Put on a show. Deepen your breath, engage in some sexy fondling, then give him a sly smile and tell him to take over.

Brittany Says: Ugh. I thought this was after sex. Sex after sex? Fine. But let’s get a little more creative here Cosmo. I can write an article too: “The Yummiest Things to Eat After Eating.”

Cosmo Says: Get his mind engaged by giving him hot visual inspiration, such as letting you walk around the bedroom naked.

Brittany Says: Not sexy. Here, let me wander around the room stark naked. While I’m up for a little strip tease or a nonchalant prance into the bathroom, roaming nekkid around a bedroom just…seems like a bad dream.

Cosmo Says: Have him talk about his body, like how he got a scar or by commenting that he looks buffer.

Brittany Says: Nope, let’s talk about me. And how sexy I look as I wander around the room naked, with chocolate syrup stained on my boobs, while I’m touching myself. BOOM.