He Said/She Said – Worst Places to Have Sex

Oh, the joys of awkward sexcapades! And though it may be that the guy’s not quite up to par or that you are, in fact, drunker than you thought, a lot of the time it can be the place you’re doing it that’s all wrong. That said, I give to you my list of the worst places to have sex.

Your parents house: There’s nothing worse than going at it when your Dad walks in asking if you two are ready for dinner. Not only will he forever hate your boyfriend, but you will no longer be looked at as Daddy’s Little Girl…You will now be looked at as Daddy’s Little Slut. Not the best way to continue that blissful father-daughter relationship…

On an exercise machine: Envision that scene in Sixteen Candles when Long Duck Dong and his butch American lover are getting into it on the stationary bike. A collapsing floor, a germ-filled bike seat and awkward thrusting movements make for a funny make-out stint, but they’re not going to get the job done.

In the sand (beach sex sans a blanket): I don’t like the thought of a sand-covered penis slowly ripping my vagina open. Too graphic? Maybe. But hello, that shit hurts! [Editor’s note: Um…ow.]

In the woods: If only this were as romantic as it sounds! However, a Poison Ivy covered private part is not my ideal way to wake up in the morning.

In your dorm room…when you’re roommate is in her bed 10 feet away: I’ve experienced some fairly traumatizing bed screeches and “YES YES YEEEEEEESSSS’s” in my day (thanks freshman pot-luck, sex-crazed roomie). Hey, I’m all for Pleasure Town, but dear God, please go there when I’m not in the room!

On the second floor balcony: If you read my post last week, you’ll know that though I am all for some balcony action, the second floor is simply too close for comfort. As said before, it’s not a pleasant site when your neighbors are laughing and enjoying their morning coffee one second and then are naked and having chair sex the next. Good morning! …I think not.

Please feel free to comment if you’ve ever personally experienced any of the previous traumatizing events. And if not, please feel free to comment regardless. If you want to know what He Said are the worst places to have sex, check it out on COED.

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  2. Barb says:

    I know it's like some kind of right of passage in the states, but I can't imagine moving out of home and having to share a room with someone at the age of 18. I would hate to have to negote having my boyfriend over and what if your roommate wants to bring someone back and you're already asleep? Me and my hall mates were always in and out of each others rooms but it was nice to be able to shut the door when you wanted some space!

    Sorry little off topic, great article by the way!

    1. Sabina says:

      I'm 16, living in England, and in a week I'm moving an hour and a half away into a shared dorm room :L It's not so much a right of passage as it is in the states, but it happens, and its comforting to know I won't be alone the first time I'm away from my parents on a large scale :L

      I'm quite introverted though, so having a room mate will make it easier for me to make friends so yeah :L different strokes for different folks :)

      A fabulous article :)

    2. Kay says:

      Going from having my own room all my life to sharing the same amount of space with another person was hard, especially because I'm introverted and need quiet time to myself. For the first two years of college, I had roommates, and for the last two years I had a single bedroom in a house with friends.

      The sharing-a-room experience really depends on the roommate you're assigned, and how good you are at negotiating. My first roommate was very different from me, but we got along well, had fun together, and are still friends. My second roommate was very reserved, a bit passive-aggressive, and had some personal issues that made her uncomfortable to room with at times. In both situations I was able to agree on mutual rules of cleanliness and quiet hours. One thing that made having a roommate bearable was the agreement that we don't bring friends back to the room to hang out. We always went out to hang out with friends. This rule kept our room a sanctuary, and I never had to worry about coming back to find a bunch of people sitting on my bed.

      That said, I definitely appreciated getting my own room after that!

    3. Barb says:

      It's interesting to hear the more normal side of sharing a room, obviously I've never been through it, and when you read stories it's usually just the horror stories of sharing with someone who was completely inconsiderate/dirty/insane.

      If I did ever have to do it, I think I'd stick to your rules i.e. not bringing people back, I definitely agree that not having a haven to come back to would be unbearable.

  3. Kay says:

    Hmm. Well, with the exception of having a roommate just ten feet away, I have done all of these….and enjoyed them immensely. While some of these locations are not the most comfortable (ex. forest), the novelty of the situation and creativity of the positions are what make them so fun.

  4. Mohit says:

    Its fun

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