Oh, the joys of awkward sexcapades! And though it may be that the guy’s not quite up to par or that you are, in fact, drunker than you thought, a lot of the time it can be the place you’re doing it that’s all wrong. That said, I give to you my list of the worst places to have sex.
Your parents house: There’s nothing worse than going at it when your Dad walks in asking if you two are ready for dinner. Not only will he forever hate your boyfriend, but you will no longer be looked at as Daddy’s Little Girl…You will now be looked at as Daddy’s Little Slut. Not the best way to continue that blissful father-daughter relationship…
On an exercise machine: Envision that scene in Sixteen Candles when Long Duck Dong and his butch American lover are getting into it on the stationary bike. A collapsing floor, a germ-filled bike seat and awkward thrusting movements make for a funny make-out stint, but they’re not going to get the job done.
In the sand (beach sex sans a blanket): I don’t like the thought of a sand-covered penis slowly ripping my vagina open. Too graphic? Maybe. But hello, that shit hurts! [Editor’s note: Um…ow.]
In the woods: If only this were as romantic as it sounds! However, a Poison Ivy covered private part is not my ideal way to wake up in the morning.
In your dorm room…when you’re roommate is in her bed 10 feet away: I’ve experienced some fairly traumatizing bed screeches and “YES YES YEEEEEEESSSS’s” in my day (thanks freshman pot-luck, sex-crazed roomie). Hey, I’m all for Pleasure Town, but dear God, please go there when I’m not in the room!
On the second floor balcony: If you read my post last week, you’ll know that though I am all for some balcony action, the second floor is simply too close for comfort. As said before, it’s not a pleasant site when your neighbors are laughing and enjoying their morning coffee one second and then are naked and having chair sex the next. Good morning! …I think not.
Please feel free to comment if you’ve ever personally experienced any of the previous traumatizing events. And if not, please feel free to comment regardless. If you want to know what He Said are the worst places to have sex, check it out on COED.