Alright, this one’s going to piss off some, make others chuckle, and probably piss off some more. But bottom line, no one’s 100% honest all of the time and there’s no question we boys have made an omission or two with you…but then you most certainly have with us, too! Here’s a Dude’s List dose of the tall tales we’ve been told by you ladies. Take a look in the mirror…
“You’re the biggest I’ve ever had”
I don’t blame any woman for ever saying this to a man because we beg you to tell us this lie. We need this lie. We poke and prod until you tell us we’re big enough. Call it an emotional hand job. And it’s appreciated. And hopefully he’ll return the favor (with whatever the equivalent is. What is the female equivalent?)
“It was…great, really.”
Again, we’re asking for it. We’re not all sexual dynamos. Or competent. Some of us suck in the sack. Maybe it’s a lack of chemistry or we came too soon, but sometimes we screw up the screwing. And we generally know it. I mean, we have an instinct that we didn’t do it…right (there are some obvious signs and some we choose to be oblivious of). I mean, what are you going to tell us when we’re still naked and sweating? Most polite answer, really. And it’s appreciated. Of course, sometimes this lie is followed by: “I’ve got to go. I’ll call you.”
“I’ll call you.”
We’re not the only ones who use it! Way better than an outright rejection, right? Let them down gently? Tsk, tsk, tsk. We all should practice the Golden Rule a bit more. Of course, this isn’t the only way to blow a guy off…or cover something up.
“I’ve got a friend coming in this weekend.”
You’re cheating on him or just seeing another guy. Or just want to avoid him entirely. I’ve gotten this one. I think every guy I know’s gotten this one and every woman I know has used some form of it. Believe it or not, we’d rather just get the rejection upfront.
“I never drink this much.”
Usually said while drunk. But come on, no one wants to admit they’re an alcoholic the first time they meet someone. That’s not sexy. Duh.
I know someone this happened to. She told someone she was pregnant. He found out. Then when he confronted her, she revealed she wasn’t. It’s been used, therefore it is valid on this list
“I’ve never done this before.”
Your pants are on fire.
“I’ve only had sex with, like, 2 guys. Swears.”
In the beginning, we all tend to do some spacey-wacey maneuvering when it comes to the list. There’s the joke that men make their numbers bigger and women make theirs smaller. Of course, if it’s true then is it still a joke?
“I like Chuck and the Wu Tang Clan, too!”
No you don’t. You don’t like anything we do and you pretend that you do. We give the same line to you about other things. I mean, we have to get along somehow, right? But just to warn you, when we find out the truth, that you hate everything we love, it only stirs the awkward sauce.
When everything’s fine, no one actually needs to say it.
“I’m a terrible liar.”
No, we just want to believe you so badly it doesn’t matter how good of a liar you are. Especially when it comes to the sex stuff.
There you have it, ladies. 11 lies that all of you combined might have used at some point. Again, we certainly ask you to tell some of them to us. Others…So my big question to you is: how many have you used? It’s okay, I won’t tell. Oh! Another question, which ones have you told that I didn’t list? Come on, don’t hog all the fun.
We’re gonna need a longer list,