True Story: I Dated A Younger Guy

September 25, 2011 5:00 pm     Posted in Relationships, Sidebar  Jessica - Hofstra g+ page

[I'd just like to first state that I totally realize that not every younger guy is like this, or every girl dating a younger guy will have this experience. It's just something that I personally experienced, and have also seen many, many friends experience. Kudos to the couples like Demi and Ashton who make it work -- that's amazing!] 


By Jessica

A few days before my 23rd birthday, I met an amazing guy (let’s call him Matt). He was cute, had a great job, really liked me and overall just seemed like he had a good head on his shoulders. He was perfect for me, in every way but one — he was 20 years old, making him a good three years younger than me.

However, I’ve never been one to consider age an issue. One of my best friends is four years younger than me, I spent eight months of my senior year hooking up with a guy two years my junior, and I had dated, and been infatuated with a man ten years older than me. Matt’s age wasn’t an issue.

My friends weren’t so convinced. Although they were thrilled to hear that I had met a great guy, they could only roll their eyes when they heard his age. They all warned me: he’s not as mature as you, he doesn’t want the same things in a relationship, think about how you were at 20. All generalizations, I thought. Three years didn’t seem like such a big deal, and so I forged ahead with the relationship.

In the beginning, through my rose-colored glasses, Matt was wonderful. He took me out to dinner, sent me sweet texts throughout the day, and told me I was beautiful constantly. He was so mature, I thought. I thought he was amazing, and no one could convince me otherwise.

I conveniently forgot about my 20-year-old brother and his friends, who stumbled through relationships, terrified of any type of commitment. I ignored Matt’s obsession with smoking weed, his need to fight anyone who disagreed with him, his stubborn belief that he was always right. I shrugged off his inability to express his feelings and most importantly, the fact that he swore we were exclusive, but refused to call me his girlfriend.

I realized that no matter what I had thought in the beginning, Matt wasn’t very mature. Once we made things official, he panicked. He felt trapped. Marriage for him wasn’t even in the picture, wasn’t even a tiny blip on his radar. Not that it was for me, either, but I realized that in two or three years I’d like to maybe start thinking about it. And in two or three years, Matt would be barely my age, still not thinking about it. It sounds stupid, but it really made me think.

As he panicked over our commitment even more, we almost never stopped fighting. My brother was sympathetic, but also understanding. “He’s still figuring out who he is, Jess,” he would tell me simply. “It’s hard to do that with a girlfriend.”

Things only got worse. He laughed uncontrollably at the word penis. I rolled my eyes at him and his friends blowing things up. I wanted him to come to family functions with me, he wanted to go on his jet-ski. He fought with me through texting, refusing to answer the phone. One time he broke up with me through a Facebook message, had no idea why that was so bad, then cried for me back. He had no idea what he wanted, and I knew exactly what I wanted.

20 and 23 don’t seem so far apart. Trust me, I know. But they are, and it’s something that people scoff at and don’t understand until they actually are 23. It might sound snobby and stereotypical, and I’m not saying it’s true for everyone, but it is true for a lot of people.

The truth is, when you’re dating a guy who’s a few years younger than you, you probably will not always be on the same wavelength. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from (unfortunately) getting older, it’s that you don’t realize how much you mature (well… some people) and grow as a person each year until it’s done. Maybe sometimes (and ignore the corny line), age is a little more than just a number.

21 Comments on "True Story: I Dated A Younger Guy"

  1. beth says:
    Sun, 25th Sep 20115:06 pm 

    I dated a guy 13 months younger than me for two years. That 13 months may as well have been 13 years. All he wanted to do was play his XBOX, and watch south park…. fast forward 8 years and I'm married to a man almost 7 years my senior. Perfect age gap in my opinion, lol.

  2. Adrienne says:
    Sun, 25th Sep 20115:48 pm 

    My boyfriend is 3 years my junior. He was 19 when we met and I was 22. While I was hesitant at first we have been together for 2 years now and are planning our life together. I wouldn't be so quick to judge…

  3. Jessica says:
    Sun, 25th Sep 20118:15 pm 

    I don't think that it's the age, but where you are in your life and your mindset. My mom always told me when it came to guys age wasn't the issue, but where they're at. if you're going to date a guy a few years younger than you, but wants to date with the intention of marrying and you want that too, then it'll be fine. same goes for someone however much older than you. if he's older, but is going to grad school and you'll still be in school, then he still has somewhat of a "student" mindset. the things you want in life have to mesh somehow.

  4. Meira says:
    Sun, 25th Sep 201110:05 pm 

    I know a girl who is dating someone 4 years her junior….and has been for 4 years. In fact, they started dating when he was 16 and she was 20…how's that for an age difference?! But they seem pretty happy. I think they balance out because he is mature for his age and she is immature for her age.

  5. Simone says:
    Mon, 26th Sep 201112:22 am 

    I dated a guy a year younger than me, but a year ahead of me at university as I'd worked for 2 years before starting uni (I was 20, he was 19).
    For me, one of the biggest factors was that he still lived at home, whereas I've lived out of home for 2 years as I had to move to do the course I wanted.
    That makes SO much of an impact on a person's maturity levels – I mean think about it, if you have to cook, clean and wash clothes for yourself, and you work so that you can eat and live… that changes everything.

  6. Mel says:
    Mon, 26th Sep 201110:08 am 

    Totally agree! I think it's all where they are in life. Like I can't date a freshman because he isn't dealing with the same thing I am. With that said, I can HOOK UP with a freshman. I'm all for having fun. I just know he won't understand my issues with the job search and pressure and stress. Which means the convos will be very one-sided.

  7. fleshlight says:
    Mon, 26th Sep 201110:21 am 

    It's about the people not thier age, I'm 9 years younger than my partner.

  8. Angie says:
    Mon, 26th Sep 201110:22 am 

    You're only 23; most guys your age would laugh at penis jokes and balk at the idea of marriage. I really don't think it's an issue of maturity (which varies much more person to person than between people a few years apart). Until you've lived totally independently for a few years and really made it on your own your a baby too. The difference in terms of settling down is that women have a biological impetus that men don't so it takes men a few more years to start thinking about it, so in that sense a slightly older man might be an advantage.

    Also it's silly to base your opinion on a few dating experiences, I could find a guy 10 years older than me that I would find purile and immature and I'm sure some younger guys would think the same as me.

  9. kim says:
    Mon, 26th Sep 201112:05 pm 

    Yeah, I'm 21 and my bf is 28 and we've been dating since I was 18. You can take two people that are the same age and they could still have the same problems that this writer is talking about.

  10. NeoDra says:
    Tue, 27th Sep 20112:20 am 

    20 and 23…
    it's just a young age, at least i think so
    and just enjoy the days when you are together

  11. Lynn says:
    Tue, 27th Sep 201112:32 pm 

    I dated a guy only 4 months younger than me. That doesn’t seem like a big deal, i know. The thing is that he is also sophomore, while i was senior year in college.

    He haven’t dated that many girls, maybe going out with several girls but not the kind of relationships that make you get emotionaly mature. I noticed that from the begining, i haven’t been in plenty or long relationships, but you notice when someone is at the same level of experience than you.

    I was head over heels for him because he is my intelectual match, i don’t have to play dumb around him in order to him not to feel inimidated, he brings out the best in me. But he had the great idea of getting back togheter with his secret exgirlfriend. From my experience, I can tell that won’t last, the big issues that made him break up the first time are still there but i have to let him grow up, get experienced and mature if i want to have another shot with him. We are still sorta friends, he checks my fb and twitter all the time, keeps track of my life, hangs around with my coven (haha) etc. He is still interested.

    The thing is: when he gets mature enough and in the same emotional level i am… Will i be interested?

  12. Walter says:
    Mon, 3rd Oct 20111:07 pm 

    I had the exact same experience… except I am a guy… and the girl I was dating was 21/22 and I was 19/20.

    I think it really depends on emotional maturity and that does not always come with age. The only issue I see with age is the possible problem of not always being able to go to the same places as the other person (i.e. if you are over 21 and they are under 21 or if they are still able to go in the play place at mcdonalds but your not).

    I dunno I am sure there are people who were in my situation, dealing with some older with a lower age of maturity and all you can do is either move on or try and help them mature quicker.

  13. gina says:
    Wed, 5th Oct 20116:28 pm 

    pedophile

  14. bigmomma says:
    Thu, 6th Oct 20113:43 pm 

    did no one else pick up on this: "…his need to fight anyone who disagreed with him…"?

    that's a GIGANTIC RED FLAG. it has nothing to do with being 20 and everything to do with serious anger issues. never date a guy who can't walk away…

  15. Maura - Rider University says:
    Sat, 8th Oct 20116:36 pm 

    Guys are more immature than girls their own age to begin with, so I can see how 3 years could be a big deal. Maybe if you two were 30 and 33 it wouldn't matter, but I still consider 20's to be more like teenagers.

  16. the brother says:
    Mon, 10th Oct 20119:12 am 

    My sister who was about 40 at the time was approached by a guy about 30.
    She said she did not want to be Mrs Robinson.
    He said "Who"; and she said " that is what I mean".

  17. Ashley L. Coates says:
    Wed, 12th Oct 20117:07 pm 

    I don't think I could ever date a younger man. I don't know why, but I've always just LOVED older men…one of my exes is actually 14 years older than me (which in retrospect was WAY too old, but I just didn't realize it at the time). I think around five years is probably a good age gap…as long as it's the woman who's the younger one.
    http://textbooksandtofu.blogspot.com/

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    Tue, 31st Jan 20126:29 am 

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  19. codvin says:
    Fri, 16th Mar 201212:57 am 

    I dated a man 9 years my senior when I was 27. He was my first serious relationship. He was sweet in many ways but incredibly immature. As the original writer implied, things may be different for others. Personally, I would not limit to just age but being only 23, its possible to find matches younger and older whenever you are ready …. just approach as you did, by being open.

  20. Melissa says:
    Sun, 17th Jun 201211:54 pm 

    I am 27 about to be 28 and a HOT 22 (almost 23) y/o keeps on pursuing me. I am torn on whether or not to even entertain it because of the age difference. So torn. I did not know how old he was when we first met. I thought I was only maybe a year or so older.

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