Dude’s List: 11 Places You Want To Have Sex But Should NOT!

October 3, 2011 2:00 pm     Posted in Advice, HaHa, Relationships, Sex  The Dude g+ page


By The Dude

Where do you fantasize about having the hottest sex of your life? Beach? Elevator? On the desk after work? Hot tub? In the van during the stakeout while Casey’s undercover and…well okay that’s more of a fantasy in which the who is more important than the where (and if you don’t know who I’m referring to, pick up last month’s Maxim). We’ve also been brainwashed with by intricate film choreographed sex in a plethora of sexy locales to think that fiction is a reflection of fact. And then there’s reality. Which can be downright cruel, and itchy. Here’re 11 places you might want to make whoopee but would end up needing a cushion after:

1. Shower
How big is yours? What are the odds of falling and doing permanent injury to yourself? Slippery when wet. Showers, pools, under waterfalls, no matter the aquatic spot you still need something OTHER than water to keep enough moisture down there. “I’m not even gonna talk about down there.” And pruning doesn’t improve a pounding experience. By the by, make sure you’re shower curtains are strong enough to hold onto. Craftsmanship is more important than cost-effective.

2. Hayloft
A roll in a hay will leave heat rashes that last for more than a day. “It’s the itchy and scratchy showwwwwwwww!”

3. Backseat
Unless you’re in high school then get a f*cking room. Unless you or your partner’s freaking Gumby then make sure you stretch. The only backseat that’d be easy on your joints would be in the Mystery Inc. van. Shaggy and Scooby kept a waterbed.

4. Parents’ Bed
It’s where you parents have sex. Think about it — STOP! Don’t think about it. Too much therapy involved.

5. Beach
You’ll be washing sand out of places you didn’t know you had places from here to eternity. Think about this equation also: sand + friction = PAIN.

6. Middle of a Field
Bugs. Dirt. Sharp grass blades. Hidden pebbles. Bring a blanket, au natural isn’t worth the surprise bruises and cuts.

7. Restaurant/Club Bathroom
There’s always that scene where one person can’t stand waiting a second longer and pulls his/her lover into a stall…What the Hell was I thinking putting this on here? Bathrooms aren’t sexy. They’re skanky. Odors. Eww…

8. The Wall
She pushes him up against the wall and then rips off his shirt. He spins her around and lifts up her skirt and then 30 seconds later they’ve pulled their quads, hamstrings, everythings. Plus, standing sex only works depending on height differences and/or upper body strength. All the blood goes rushing to his other muscle groups. The sex is like a game of Red Light, Green Light.

9. Marble Countertop
COLD! Hard…Sharp edges. Hope you’ve gotten your flu shot and your insurance is paid up.

10. Elevator
Notice they never actually show you the sex in the elevator. Usually the doors close with 2 people perfectly composed. Then, they open and hot sex has been had. You know why they skip the middle? You don’t want to find out.

11. Stairs
Just hold out until you reach the landing at least. How many herniated disks, carpet burns, or deep bruises do you want to have an hour later?

Adventurous sex is fantastic! Exotic locales can be extremely stimulating. But sometimes the fantasy needs to remain in the mind’s eye rather than on a chiropractor’s table. There are plenty of fun and sexy places to act like jackrabbits. There may even be some tricks and tips you ladies can offer each other for the 11 I’ve chosen to help overcome the challenges. Where’s your fantasy take place? Or where did it take place? Share and share alike in the comments below.

Location! Location! Location!

The Dude

21 Comments on "Dude’s List: 11 Places You Want To Have Sex But Should NOT!"

  1. mohdarafat says:
    Mon, 3rd Oct 20112:53 pm 

    hahahahaha awwsome post

  2. Jessica Zaleski - University of Florida says:
    Mon, 3rd Oct 20113:31 pm 

    All of these sound so painful!

  3. jessd25 says:
    Mon, 3rd Oct 20115:12 pm 

    Love this!

  4. Guest says:
    Mon, 3rd Oct 20116:28 pm 

    Sex in the shower is awesome. Don't diss it.

  5. mlaura says:
    Mon, 3rd Oct 20118:48 pm 

    You seem kinda lazy, cause sex standing up is awesome!
    Showersex is dangerous, but foreplay in the shower is veeeeeeeeeeeeery sexy !!

  6. rox says:
    Tue, 4th Oct 201112:18 am 

    Haha way to be a p*ssy. Most of those are awesome.

  7. Candy says:
    Tue, 4th Oct 20111:31 am 

    You now that Zoosk commercial when they end up setting a fire, bumping her head, breaking stuff and hurting the guy's back? That happened in a BEDROOM. Sex anywhere is dangerous, so just be prepared.

    Take a blanket or sleeping bag if you want sex on the beach.

    Semi-new hay is not as scratchy as that crap that's been in the barn for weeks.

    Only have sex in showers that have a bar for the handicapped to hold onto.

    Doing it cowgirl style is perfectly fine for the car.

    Going into a sports field that has artificial turf takes care of most of the field problems.

    If you get the flu from having sex on a marble countertop then: 1) you aren't doing it right(sex heats you up), and 2) you probably shouldn't be having sex.

    You're on your own for the rest of that stuff. But doing it in your parent's BED ?! That's just sick.

  8. wedding dress says:
    Tue, 4th Oct 20115:28 am 

    It's light for the summer and is not heavy at all.

  9. JayFro says:
    Tue, 4th Oct 20117:49 am 

    It was late at night. The girl wanted it NOW. So we did it in the car. We managed it just fine and it actually was nice. The shower is good for getting touchy feely and clean with your girl but yeah trying to do it is tough. Unless she doesn't have that "problem" like a lot do. Water isn't much of a lubricant.

  10. theosucks says:
    Tue, 4th Oct 20117:55 am 

    You've obviously never visited sexintheshower.net!

  11. Woodsman says:
    Tue, 4th Oct 20116:12 pm 

    I leaned her back against a tree trunk that was at about a 45 degree angle. It was great.

  12. criolle johnny says:
    Wed, 5th Oct 20115:18 pm 

    I worked the night shift as assistant manager for an apartment complex. It seems LOTS of college students don't know or don't care that elevators have cameras.

  13. Sundevildaddy says:
    Thu, 6th Oct 20111:58 pm 

    Great post, however, I disagree with all but 2 (Parents bed,"eww.." and Bar stall [double eww..])
    -Against the wall is amazing – Period.. if you're worried about blood loss, work out once in a while.
    -In the shower should be frequent – No need for handicap bars… if you know what you're doing.
    -The beach is another amazing spot, sand or not. Stay down near the water and the 'pain' you describe is no more (If you're up in the dry sand, might as well bring a sandpaper blanket).. and yes, I still wash sand out.
    -Hayloft and middle of a field are both fantastic spots, and can be quite intimate. The last thing you notice is the hay, grass or small pebbles.
    -Back seat – I could imagine it being somewhat difficult. I wouldn't know, I've always owned pickups.
    -Elevators are fun, simply put. Catch one in the evening, head to a top floor or basement and hit Stop.
    -Stairs – Difficult and Dangerous (sometimes) – all part of the excitement. Live a little ;)

  14. tom labhart says:
    Thu, 6th Oct 20119:15 pm 

    YEs ,it is wet and slippery, but thing of all the water you are saving. Also a lot of fun, a lot.

  15. Pinky says:
    Fri, 7th Oct 20117:27 am 

    Buzzkill. All of these are AWESOME, hot and completely doable – pun intended.

  16. sam says:
    Sun, 9th Oct 20114:51 am 

    useful hahaha nice post

  17. Rayvenx says:
    Mon, 10th Oct 201111:24 pm 

    First time I ever had sex was in my parents bed lol. I was house sitting for them and didn't have my own bed in the house since I had moved out. Was either that or the front porch. Not too fond of coyotes.

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    Wed, 14th Dec 20112:56 am 

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