10 Things You Should Lie About

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Look, people say lies serve no purpose and that honesty is the best policy. Is it? Is it even possible? Should it be the law of the land or just a nice ideal to attempt to live up to? I mean, there are some things you just don’t want to cop to, especially when you don’t know the person all that well. In the beginning, lying can be a way to tip-toe toward trust. Sounds illogical? What about life isn’t?

So the question becomes, what is it okay to lie about?

Criminal History
You don’t start a date with, “so I just got out of prison for taking an axe to my ex because she wouldn’t give me back my Battlestar Galactica blu-ray set. I mean, it was the COMPLETE SERIES! Do you want an appetizer?” DATE OVER! Unless her name’s Lumen and your name’s Dexter, keeping mum about your dark passenger might not be a bad policy until, maybe, date number 3? 30?

Your Number
When asked about how many people you’ve had sex with, are you always completely willing to reveal your vital stats? Too low and they might think you suck in the sack (and not literally, most likely). Too many and they’ll say goodbye wearing latex gloves (no matter the fact you’ve had more partners than Jenna Jameson and are completely STD free because you practice safely). Let’s face it, your number can be a badge of honor or a scarlet letter. Until you’re comfortable enough, play it close to the vest.

The Ex-File
When do you open it up? That’s a case by case basis if there ever was one. You don’t want to admit to being a stalker for that cowboy with the Jason Stackhouse abs, right? NO! Nobody wants to come off like the bad guy. You want to look sympathetic. So tweak the details a bit. Then when you’re ready you can swap stories of the shameful self-depreciating deeds.

“I’m A Millionaire/ I’m Broke”
Nobody needs to know all the details of your finances. Until you’re ready to open a joint account, give them a pre-nup, or asking for a signature on a loan. Then, yeah, okay, time to break out your ledgers.

Because You Have to Back Up Your Friend
Ever have a friend do something you really didn’t agree with but you feel like you have to back them up because they’re your friend and they’ve done it for you? I hate those moral dilemmas!

To Protect Your Friend After a Break-Up
Ever run into a friend’s ex and he asks how your friend’s doing? Did you tell them she was wallowing in pizza boxes and the Real Housewives of Orange County? If you did, you’re a douche.

“No You Don’t Look Fat in That Dress”
Call me a cretin if you want. I refuse to plummet into that Hell pit.

Speak Well of the Dead
Even if the person who died was an ass*ole, do you ever say that to their family? If you do, well, you’ve got some cojones. Being dead seems to wash away all of your flaws in the minds of everyone you ever came in contact with for at least 2 weeks.

“Bin Laden was my Daddy”
This is just to reduce a lot of complications to all forms of social engagements. I’m all for being proud of your heritage but ease someone into the familial skeletons in the closet. It’d be nice if people didn’t rush to judgment based on your family tree but let’s be realistic.

“You’re Nothing Like Your Mother”
You’re not. I swear.

Alright there they are. Lies we tell to spare ourselves and others. The little white lies and the big fat denials. We all tell half-truths. We all omit certain details. Generally, we try to make things easier for everyone involved. It’s a form of self-protection. Can you tell your dad you never liked his bologna sandwiches or that your mom’s got a control issue when it comes to setting the table? Lie and deny. Omit and submit. You pick your battles. You bide your time. You get to a higher level of honesty by carefully navigating the construction of trust. Lies are just some of the many shades of gray in this crazy mixed up world. And you know what, sometimes they’re damn necessary!

Trust me I’m The Doctor,

The Dude

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