Dude’s List: 11 Things Men Don’t Need To Know About Women

Honesty’s the best policy, blah blah and blah. There is such a thing as TMI and FTW to those of you who believe you have to be 100% honest to the point of overbearing. Mystery’s just as exciting and important an element to any kind of relationship, long-term, short-term, monogamous, or poly as intimacy. In fact, trust sometimes has to be proven by willing to let the other person have a secret or a tick or a fetish that defies explanation. And really, there are just some things that nobody needs to know. Not going to sugar coat it for you, ladies. This Dude’s List, we’re going to be getting a little grimy. Brace yourself:

Was it that painful? Do you need to go shower now? I feel like I do. Some of these things it’s too late to undo. Once you learn something, you’ll never be able to completely expunge the neural change committed to the brain because those pesky synapses already fired. The best I can hope is that this list serves as a tool for those of you in danger of crossing these lines. I’m all for intimacy, in knowing, trusting, and engrossing yourself in someone completely. But I still want you to keep that damn bathroom door closed!

“That’s not a moon.”

Dude Skywalker



  1. LP says:

    These things are just common sense…I pity the guys that have to listen to any of this.

  2. Miriam says:

    I dunno, the kind of guys I go for would rather know me as a real person than some impossible Paragon of Womanhood. But…that's just me.

    1. mollination says:

      I don't think it's really an impossible Paragon of Womanhood. I think it's about not sharing every little thing which our culture has become accustomed to doing (yes, yes, it's too easy to point to the reality-tv show camera's on 24/7, updating my status every time i inhale culture). Some of these are tongue-in-cheek (obviously he knows his girlfriend has bowel movements), but their point is that he doesn't need to know the shape, smell, and color. And really, I don't think that's impossible. I think it's ideal. I suppose to each their own though.

  3. vbdxfgsdfg says:

    I can see them all but the familial issues thing. That's just shows you're a shitty person if you can't take the time to listen to someone you supposedly care about, especially when they're going through a tough time.

    And who the fuck doesn't close the bathroom door?

  4. 123abc says:

    I don't understand how FTW relates to TMI.

  5. Cha says:

    I got you for the first few but come on, if you're talking about a long-term relationship (and by the sounds of this, you probably haven't had any good experience with one), you need to know a little more than the surface stuff. How you make yourself up? Try no making yourself up. And depending how long-term we're getting, YOU will be a family matter at some point or other, and you'll certainly have some of your own. I guess what I mostly got from this list was that you were trying to be cute and fill up the numbers with something, but it ended up seeming like you didn't do your research. Nice!

  6. […] • Ladies, there are some things guys just don’t need to know about you. (College Candy) […]

  7. […] CollegeCandy: 11 things men don’t need to know about women (skip #5, and #6, maybe #2 and…) […]

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  9. Joey says:

    Is the author of this steaming pile of literature older than 14?

    1. Edgarska says:

      Calling it literature is a stretch.

    2. The Dude says:

      Of course, silly! I have to be older than the legal age of consent. Duh! On the serious side, thank you for even calling this literature.

  10. […] When it comes to relationships, honesty is the best policy but there is such a thing as TMI and FTW to those of you who believe you have to be 100% honest to the point of overbearing. Mystery’s just as exciting and important an element to any kind of relationship, long-term, short-term, monogamous, or poly as intimacy.  And really, there are just some things that nobody needs to know.  so we’re going to be getting a little grimy. Brace yourself and check out the 11 Things Men Don’t Need To Know About Women. […]

  11. David says:

    Women are annoying. Men > Women. Faking it is idiotic and it proves just how unintelligent they are. So I'd dump on the spot.

    1. lindsey says:

      She fakes it because she knows you're too immature to deal with the fact that you can't make her cum.

    2. mizzi says:

      Oh look: forever alone guy IRL

    3. smiles says:

      When sharing the same name as my boyfriend, at least try not to sound like a f-cking retard. Thanks.

    4. DNT says:

      If she's faking it, it's because you're doing it wrong.

  12. smiles says:

    "The Dude" doesn't know how to write. This article was sh*t.

  13. Jessie says:

    Sounds like the author is horribly inadequate. Self esteem issues? Really, knowing how many men your girl has slept with upsets you? What, are you in high school? Seriously, don't you want to know how to please the person you're with either? You're content with her faking an orgasm just to make you feel better? Selfish ass with low esteem!!!

    1. The Dude says:

      You might want to read number 11 again with regards to the faking it part of your comment. My question to you, Jessie, is this: why does knowing the number exclude the idea of knowing how to please your partner? Do they necessarily HAVE to correlate? Can't that simply be done by communicating during sex with your current partner?

  14. DNT says:

    Oh look, an article written by a guy who's never had a girlfriend!

  15. Angela says:

    I'm glad I'm not dating the author. Sheesh.

  16. […] are some things from College Candy guys are just better off not knowing about […]

  17. Lisa says:

    I think this list is hilarious and true. Why would he be "forever alone" for just stating the obvious? All of this is just commen sense stuff.

  18. mussidie says:

    bunch of haters here. Dude, I thought is was spot on. The women still don't get it and the men, (and I use that term very loosely), are just pussy-whipped married losers. That's right, I'm not married and I never want to be. Don't bother with the "mommy and/or queer issues" comments, I've heard them all. There is just no point in boinking the same woman for a lifetime. and NONE of my women poop!! LOL!

  19. Tessie says:

    Oh, I see what you did here… Putting "woman" in the title to attract readers, when your article is less about women in general, and more about fuck buddies. Nice. Kinda like opening a b-day present, and finding miscellaneous shit from the 99 cents store. Well played sir!

  20. Maura - Rider University says:

    I feel like once you're in a serious relationship all those rules go to hell…my bf knows more about me then he'd like but essentially it makes us closer and we both appreciate that.

  21. John says:

    Not a "dude." Chick pretending to be a dude. At best a metro who went to a liberal arts college and writes like a women's studies major.

  22. David says:

    The last two are the only ones worth commenting on in my opinion.

    The last women lie about to make men feel like crap, because the women who do that think men cannot tell the difference and they use it to mess with our heads. There are men out there than can tell if you are faking or not, ladies, and one day you are going to tell that lie and get busted.

    The second to last one, that "she settled" is even simpler. Most often, it is because she had a beyond unrealistic ideal for a man in the first place. We men are criticized for wanting a woman who is a porn star in the bedroom, June Cleaver with the kids, and Betty Crocker in the kitchen. While I don't expect either of those… I found more often that the reverse is true. Women "who have settled" wanted James Bond in the bedroom, Cliff Huxtable with the kids, and Macgyver with anything more complex than a # 2 pencil.

    I don't apologize for saying that.. because that is far more true than what most men "supposedly" expect from a wife.

  23. precious peace says:

    This is not righttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!

  24. bert says:

    Pretty stupid, but hey ! I read it, so lets comment : is that in USA ? Time to travel a bit, in , out and around women, because if you do not see a women faking, then you do not deserve a real one….or you do deserve one, but yours does not deserves you. :)
    It"s pretty easy to find out though. Ask me in private

  25. […] Most women believe that honesty is the best policy. However, there are just some things that men don’t need to know. (College Candy) […]

  26. Jen says:

    My boyfriend was the one that told me I looked like I was going bald.
    He asked me if I have slept with any other guys before and I said no because I really haven't. Except him and I asked him the same question and he said one other girl and then me.
    Every time I'm in the bathroom long, my boyfriend's like, "Ew you're pooping."

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