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Sexy Time: I Hate Handjobs

Every once in awhile, I’ll hear dudes lament how handjobs became obsolete past high school. It’s true enough, I suppose. At some point, oral and intercourse replaced the handy. In theory, I totally understand why some dudes miss the HJ – I still enjoy a good fingerbang probably more often than is “normal” for someone over the age of 17. But I refuse to do my part to bring handjobs back. Occasionally, my boyfriend asks for one, and I’ll oblige, very reluctantly. But honestly, they suck. And here’s why…

They’re hard work.
Blow jobs have the reputation for being arduous, but either my hands/wrists are weak, or my mouth is unusually strong. Seriously, within minutes of commencing a HJ, my hand starts cramping, my wrist gets sore and I’m not mentally engaged enough to want to continue. I can’t help but look around the room, think of my grocery list and wonder if Ryan Gosling asks his ladies to endure such torture.

Guys don’t seem to enjoy them that much.
I’m sure well-lubricated strokes are pleasurable (hence why I use my hands during a blowie), but I have never seen a guy have the same kind of glazed over, semi-comatose, “I-saw-Jesus-even-though-I’m-Buddhist,” completely and utterly blissed out look they get during oral. BJs are way more intense, and the payoff is far bigger.

They’re messy.
I’m a swallower. It is a lot easier to do that when I’m already down there, as opposed to having to time it so that everything gets in my mouth instead of on him, the sheets, the ceiling, the floor…you get the picture.

Guys already do it themselves.
Part of the reason why I enjoy a good fingerbang is because I have a less than stellar relationship with penetrating myself, so when a guy manually stimulates me, it’s a totally different sensation than I’m used to. Whereas guys generally create a tight bond between their hand and their penis, and they know exactly what they like and can execute it better than any outsider.

They’re awkward.
Maybe it’s because they’re so strongly associated with adolescence, but every time I do it, I completely lose the sexual confidence I’ve been building up over the years, and I feel insecure, inexperienced and utterly juvenile.

    Comments

    Comments

    1. Kylie - Vermont says:

      I get bored with HJs. They're uneventful and anti-climactic… and I spend more time worrying about where my boyfriend is going to cum than actually enjoying the experience. Totally agree with you!

    2. […] Sexy Time: I Hate Handjobs […]

    3. dietcokeandlove says:

      Me too – especially the awkward part. I feel like I'm 15 again.

    4. shari says:

      Agree on all counts! My boyfriend, however, likes them so sometimes i give a little hhand job during oral to give my mouth a break for a minute.

      1. Alex- University of South Carolina says:

        Isn't that standard?

    5. Annie says:

      AGREEEEEED! I'm very sexually experienced, but I don't even know what to do with my hands…must have skipped that part of my sexual education:)

    6. I guess HJs shifts to the foreplay stage. It only now is like a complimentary stroke to more intense sexual moves.:)

    7. @LAX_BRAH says:

      HAND JOBS ARE SOOOO UNDERRATED!!!!!! c'mon ladies!

    8. Ahsan Raja says:

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    9. alana says:

      The greatest thing to happen to guys is when 3rd base became oral sx. In the old days3rd base was petting below waste and oral sx was "5th base". I have heard that in 1970 hardly anybody ever got oral sx. Guys now get a lot more oral sx than they give (although the shorter time per session makes it about even)- some studies show they get 5x to 10x than they give. NOw a hj just becomes a bj by magic it seems in 30 seconds-no one just does a hj.. Great for guys anyway- girls not so much

    10. Heather says:

      My boyfriend likes blowjobs much better, and I like giving them better, so this is really not an issue for me. However, I agree with all of your points! I always hear how handjobs are supposedly easier, and I just don't get it. I guess I would have to learn how to give them well if my bf liked them more, but he doesn't, so it works out.

      Fingering for a girl is a whole other issue. While blowjobs stimulate the same areas as handjobs, going down on a girl and fingering a girl produce two separate sensations. Although more ladies should be getting oral, I also feel like fingering is an incredibly underrated and amazing addition to the usual intercourse/oral repertoire.

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