Ever hear the story of the ugly duckling? No? Let me refresh you then. The Ugly Duckling is quite simple a story about an ugly duck. Nobody wanted the ugly duck. Not the mother, not the brothers, not the other birds, not even the gross geese. So the poor ugly duckling ran away from his home to live by himself. At the pond where he made his new home, he would longingly stare at the swans, wishing he could look as majestic and beautiful as them. Until one day, after spending months in a chicken coop and then escaping almost being cooked alive, he returned to the pond and saw his reflection. He was finally beautiful. He was a swan… What a bunch of bull s***.
This, not Cinderella, not Snow White, not Sleeping Beauty, ruined my childhood. You don’t go from being ugly to beautiful. Trust me I know. I’ve tried my whole life. And what’s this? His mother AND brothers shun him. Now that is the life I want. My family tries to cheer me up. I have three sisters and each one is more gorgeous than the next with their shiny locks and long legs. Here I am, frizzy and stout. Winner.
People don’t believe me when I tell them they are my sisters. They try to cover it up by saying “oh… well, you know, your hair is different.. it’s lighter. Yes, lighter!” WRONG. We have the exact same color. Theirs hair is just smooth and glossy. Better yet, “It must be the different body types. That always throws people off. Your sisters they’re more…lean. Toned. You have an athletic body type. I totally want your body.” Athletic? To be athletic that implies I am an athlete. Well, I guess hot dog eating champions are athletes. So yes, my short, thick-set body is quite athletic. Much better than lean and toned…
At least I have my personality to make up for what I lack. People always laugh at me when I tell jokes. People always want to drink with me. People always want to be friends with me and my friends. Aw hell. Who am I kidding? It’s time to give it up and call it like it is. For all of you ugly ducklings siblings out there, say it loud and say it proud: TRUE LIFE: I’M THE UGLY SISTER.