Ever since we were little we’ve been told not to judge people by what they wear. But doesn’t a night when you can be anything and anyone call for an exception to that rule? Doesn’t it make sense that what you choose to be on Halloween, out of the infinite options, says something about you? I think it does. So I’m going to tell you exactly what your Halloween costume says about you. Trust me, I’ve taken intro to psych and I’m really good at judging people.
The Lazy Slutty Costume
You may think I’m going to say you’re boring. If you’re going to go the slutty route, you might as well get creative about it or at least make some sort of effort. Right? So, yeah you probably kind of are a bit dull, but I get it. We’re in college, and it’s the first time in many of our lives that we can walk out wearing whatever we want. So go ahead, opt for the obvious sexy occupational get-up. I won’t judge you if you make exercising your parental freedom your priority this year. Please, just don’t pull a Karen.
The All-out Actually Scary Costume
You like to excel and out-shine. You also probably tend to go the traditional scary route, a la Cady’s gory “Ex-wife” get-up in mean girls (yes, second Mean Girls reference in the same post—sue me). I have a lot of respect for your love of Halloween. However, please remember: this holiday is supposed to be FUN. If the drama you stir up over your dress rivals a bridezilla’s, and you spend more time doing your makeup than a Real Housewife, you have a problem. Do less.
The Group Costume
You like to roll deep when dressing up. You’re probably a member of some sports team, sorority, or really close-knit group of friends. If you’re a little on the self-conscious side, this is the perfect way to get weird and take risks.
CAUTION: Someone always gets shafted (who ever wants to be gluttony of the seven deadly sins? We all know milkshakes don’t actually bring boys to the yard.), plus this type of costume always has the potential to come off a little cliquey .
The Celebrity Costume
You just want to be famous.
Seriously, you can be ANYTHING, and you choose to be another REAL person? Come on. However, this can actually be funny if you go for some viral video sensation or recent tabloid controversy. Plus you don’t have to work that hard to get people to recognize who you are! Let’s be honest, Halloween night there’s actually a chance you’ll be hanging off some creepy guy, making absolutely no sense as you seductively stare into someone’s camera. Congrats! You’re trashed, and halfway there to a great Courtney Stodden costume! Yay?
The Couple’s Costume
Awww. Super cute. You guys must do everything together. You two probably even sit on the same side of the table when you eat together in the dining hall (which is totally inconvenient for having an actual conversation, but makes it easier to share food… as if anyone wants to see you two Lady-and-the-Tramp that spaghetti. Gross).
I’m TOTALLY not bitter though…
The Funny Slutty Costume
You want to show off your sense of humor, creativity, and assets (emphasis on the “ass”). It’s always funny to take a typically asexual character, or even object, and slut it up. Interested and need inspiration? Many characters from our childhood have the potential to push the limits of propriety. You just have to think like a perv. Take Winnie the Pooh for example; he wears a red baby-Tee and NO PANTS. All you need is a red crop top, yellow or nude (even funnier) leggings, and a pair of bear ears. The only thing better than simply getting a guy to want to be your Christopher Robbin is the internal shame and conflict he’ll feel with that disturbing desire.
So, there you have it, all you’ll need to know about yourself according to your Halloween costume. And just remember, all our costumes are going to fall apart by end of the night , so it’s not the end of the world if you didn’t like what I had to say. We will all end up attending our respective Halloween soirées simply dressed as drunk college girls anyways.