Dude’s List: 12 Ways To NOT Break Up

By The Dude

Look, we’ve all had some bad break ups. We’ve all had our hearts battered and scarred. Or at least most of us. Some of you have always been the dumper and not the dumped. Consider yourselves lucky and potentially commitment phobic. Whether or not there’s actually a good way to break up with someone, there are definitely a lot of WRONG ways. Here are a dozen of them to mull over. Get your “I’m alone and no one will ever love me” playlists ready.

And…go:

1. Have your new boyfriend break up with him for you
This is about the lowest of the low. Well, maybe. I’m not one to believe in shooting the messenger, but this would be an instance where I might be applying for membership into the NRA.

2. Post-It note
“I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” He’ll hate you.

3. Telling his mom first
Look, if you’re going to break up with someone then have the decency to break up with THEM. Yeah, confrontation, not everyone’s favorite thing in the world. Like parfait. Still, to go through the back channels — be it his mother, sister, or best friend — it just twists the knife that much deeper. Seriously.

4. After sex
He’s naked. He’s sleepy. He’s basking. It’s so unfair…Do we still get a round of break-up sex? Or would that count?

5. On his birthday or any other special occasion
How old are you now? SINGLE! And even if a funeral may feel like the appropriate place, for some reason, don’t start the conversation with, “Speaking of things I want to bury and forget about…”

6. Giving him the “It’s not you, it’s me” speech
If you’re breaking up with us we know it’s not you. In the words of the great Costanza: “IT’D BETTER BE ME!”

7. Suggesting it’s only temporary
The “Not a break-up, break-up.” Phrases come to mind, “Let’s take some space,” “We’ll just try seeing other people,” “When I come back from the Sudan in 6 months we’ll see where we are.” You know, ways the dumper tries to soften the blow rather than what it is: a kick in the nuts. I’m all for sentiment and courtesy. So have the courtesy to not dangle false hope like a promotional copy of Harry Potter Book 8 (it’s a hypothetical, not a rumor-RELAX fan girls!).

8. Drunk dialing
I will also add via text, or voice mail in general. If you’re going to do it then do it. Face to face unless you’re in different parts of the country, but even then there’s f*cking Skype. If you needed one more reason to not have access to your phone while drunk, this is it. It’s a cop out. Alcohol’s not an excuse to demean and make things easier on yourself. You’re the dumper, things will immediately be easier when it’s over because you’ll have dumped us. So suck it up and make an effort to do it right.

9. Via Facebook or any other social media
Similar to the drunk dial/text/voice message except it’s PUBLIC! Changing your relationship status and having 50 of his friends comment on his wall asking what happened before he even saw it is humiliating. Just say no.

10. Arranging to have him see you with another guy
This really falls under the general category of: “Provoking him to break up with me, that way I don’t have to be the bad guy.” I know people who’ve done this kind of crap. They cook something up that pushes their partner to do the deed for them. It’s a coward’s way out. You’re better than that!

11. Setting him up to cheat
Here’s the flipside to the coin. Some people want to break up but feel like they need some kind of an excuse. I’m not saying that trying to set him up to see if he flirts or cheats on you is the most common way it’s done. I’m just using it as one example from a plethora. Again, we’re in some psycho-babble, self-validation, and neurotic territory. Now, instead of saving a guilt trip to be the sympathetic one out the break-up, you’re setting yourself up to be the hero of the tale. I don’t think either’s worse than the other. Disagree?

12. Not bothering to ACTUALLY break up with him
The avoidance break-up. Sometimes I wonder why people choose this path, amidst the 11 others we’ve looked at and the hundreds more to select from. You can’t pretend it never happened. And you can’t pretend when (if) you reconnect in a few years that you never broke up. So, what’s the point of this? Why the silent treatment? To be purposefully hurt by someone still proves that that someone has strong feelings. To be ignored is to be…

Alright, there they are. 12 ways you shouldn’t break up with someone. Disagree? Are any of these perfectly acceptable? Did I miss some juicy ones? What’s the worst way you’ve ever dumped him or vice versa? I’m a firm believer that if we can share then we’ll better learn how to care. And if we really put some care into the ending, just maybe, a break up will bring both people what it’s really meant to: closure.

“And that’s the way it was,”

The Dude