Friday Faves: Should Blackout Mistakes be Forgiven?

November 4, 2011 12:00 pm     Posted in Body, Health  Candy -- NYU g+ page


By Candy

“So can anyone tell me what went down last night?”

Ahh, the magical college blackout. These words have become way-too-familiar over the past few years I’ve spent at this fine academic institution. Sunday mornings – Gatorade and a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich in hand – I sit in my living room with my roommates, attempting to piece together the events from the night before. Looking through pictures, decoding unintelligible text messages sent to the cute guy from Calculus, my friend apologizing for puking on my shoes or stealing my pizza before I had a chance to get the door.

I can’t be mad at them though, or even blame them. Sometimes the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol takes over and there is no turning back. They are no longer the same person and are going to do things they wouldn’t normally do. Like the infamous girl-on-girl makeout sesh which is now plastered all over Facebook.

But like they taught you in elementary school, it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And recently, that person was me.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two vomit-includingly cute years. We moved in together in August to a new apartment where he makes me dinner after a long night at work, and we’ve even talked marriage.

We were the stereotypical happy couple until about two weeks ago during a blackout sorta night.

All of my friends were finally back in town before this spring (spring? There’s two feet of snow outside) semester started, so naturally we had to celebrate get wasted. After a long night of cheap vodka and too many shots at the bar, we went back to my friend’s apartment for afties. Just another successful night.

That is, until I realized that my boyfriend was missing and I had no idea where he was. I started roaming around the apartment. I looked in the kitchen, then the bathroom. Nothing. Finally, I peeked my head into my friend’s bedroom and there he was. Naked. On top of a girl. Who was also naked.

Naturally, I flipped the eff out. I screamed, I stormed over to the bed and pulled him off of her. I stared at him, anger bubbling up inside of me; his eyes were glazed, he was falling over, and he had no idea where he was. My boyfriend was beyond blacked out.

The rest of the night got a little hazy. I went crazy, taking justice into my own hands. Literally. The next thing I knew, I was handcuffed in the back of a cop car, blowing a .34 BAC (classy, I know) and being charged with domestic assault (apparently some neighbors called the cops to file a noise complaint). Not my finest moment. After I got out and was able to talk to my boyfriend again (sans fists), I demanded answers. But got nothing. He was blacked out the entire time; he didn’t remember being at the bar, going back to the apartment, or even how he ended up with a black eye and a fat lip. (Yeah, I totally JWowwed his ass. I was angry!)

And this fact alone has left me completely torn and unable to eat or sleep. My boyfriend betrayed my trust and really broke my heart. He sent me into a fit of rage I’ve never known before and made a fool out of me.

But can I really blame him for something that happened when he was blackout drunk?
Something that he doesn’t even remember doing?
Can that even be considered cheating?
Do I forgive him?

I honestly don’t know what to think.

The thing about this situation is that everything is not black and white. It would have been so much easier to just dump him and walk away if he was going behind my back on purpose. But he wasn’t. And while nothing technically happened (they didn’t have sex), it scares the shiz out of me to think what would have happened if I hadn’t walked in. It disgusts me to think about my boyfriend being with someone else, or what he was saying to her while they were in bed, or how he ended up there in the first place.

I definitely blame my boyfriend for getting that drunk. Mostly because he always gets that drunk. I blame him for putting himself in that situation and for putting me in that situation. But I still don’t know if I can blame him for what he actually did. I can’t hold him more responsible for his actions than my friend who pukes on my shoes, or the friend who always steals my food when she comes home from the bar drunk. I know neither of them would intentionally hurt me when they’re sober, so is this really different?  I’ve never gotten into a fight with my boyfriend, let alone had to deal with something like this. Until this incident, I never had a reason not to trust him.

Is this a good enough reason?

I understand that to many of you this seems like such a simple answer, but I’m seriously stuck. I love my boyfriend and we have so much history. I honestly don’t know what to do. What do you think? Can blackout mistakes be forgiven?

17 Comments on "Friday Faves: Should Blackout Mistakes be Forgiven?"

  1. Grace says:
    Fri, 4th Nov 201112:31 pm 

    Cheating aside, the real problem should be that it's normal for him to get so blackout drunk. Has he done anything like this since? If he really cares he should be willing to give up his blackout ways for you.

  2. Rachael says:
    Fri, 4th Nov 201112:51 pm 

    Honestly the problem I face here is how do you know he hasn't done this before if he always gets drunk enough to black out? If he did, he wouldn't remember. If you really love him and consider his "almost sex" not his fault and are willing to look past it than you need to do two things. A) explain to him that he can't get that drunk anymore if he plans on being with you and B) Make the consequences clear if he in fact crosses that line again. Once may be forgivable, but is more than once okay? Hope you can look in your heart and find the answers you need to make you happy <3

  3. Chardae says:
    Fri, 4th Nov 20111:39 pm 

    This is a tough one. I think you should be worried if he goes out and drinks to the point where he blacks out all the time. If not you should consider working it out (depending on how long you've been together). If so, it's time to re-evaluate your relationship.

  4. Ashley L. Coates says:
    Fri, 4th Nov 20111:54 pm 

    I hold people accountable for what they do when they're drinking. It's irresponsible and plain disgusting to get so drunk that you black out. If someone can't hold their liquor, they don't need to be drinking.
    http://textbooksandtofu.blogspot.com/

  5. Marie says:
    Fri, 4th Nov 20112:02 pm 

    hmm this is a toughie, but there are a few differences between puking on your shoes and hooking up with someone when you are in a committed relationship. I mean, first of all, as everyone else is saying, the fact that he gets this blackout drunk (regularly?) is just not good in general. I know this is college and all that but I mean you still need to have some responsibility, plus I just don't understand how someone can get soooo bad that they have absolutely no control over anything they do. When you punched him after you found him with the other girl, its not like you had some other person controlling your arm, it was just your messed-up judgement doing it. If you were sober, you would have probably wanted to punch him, but most likely you wouldn't have. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but then again, I have never been that drunk that I don't remember the whole night/ have control over what I do.

  6. Alyssa says:
    Fri, 4th Nov 20114:06 pm 

    I completely agree. I also think that although you maybe can forgive him (as long as he promises not to ever get that drunk again), that being blacked out isn't really an excuse for anything (and I've definitely been there). Drinking lowers our inhibitions, but I strongly believe that when you do things drunk or blacked out that you wouldn't normally do, there's still a part of sober you that secretly wants to do those things. Ie. a drunken girl-on-girl makeout sesh most likely would not happen if there was not a tiny part of sober you that wanted to make out with a girl, that was thereafter magnified by the drinking. So with drunken cheating, I feel as though the intention/desire to potentially hook up with someone else always has to be there prior to the drinking.

  7. Kay says:
    Fri, 4th Nov 20114:42 pm 

    Blackouts do not excuse ANYONE'S poor behavior.

    Assuming he wasn't drugged, nobody forced those drinks down his throat. Nobody forced him to get it on with another girl. He should be held accountable for his actions.

    And frankly, do you really want to be with a guy who uses the lame excuse "I slept with her because I was drunk"?

  8. Kate says:
    Fri, 4th Nov 20115:52 pm 

    I think you should probably face that you BOTH have an issue – getting this drunk on a regular isn't healthy or even normal, despite your cute blog posts about the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. Frankly, neither of you exhibited particularly stellar or classy behavior. You punched him in the face & got arrested? Hey, who says he should forgive YOU, either?

  9. Andrea says:
    Fri, 4th Nov 20116:08 pm 

    No no no no no no. Just no. Never okay. I know my trust would be ruined, and I can't be in a relationship with no trust. Plus, is he even sorry? He should be begging you for forgiveness right now! But still, no.

  10. Emily says:
    Sat, 5th Nov 201112:28 pm 

    That, and if you're drinking to the point of blacking out you're seriously putting your health at risk. That's part of your brain shutting down. Moderation, people.

  11. Claudia says:
    Sat, 5th Nov 20113:41 pm 

    Make him prove to you that he will change. Like others say, who says he hasn't crossed that line before without you knowing? Unfortunately, it does suck that you are in this situation, because you do care about him. He should care about you enough to prove to you that you don't have to watch over him like a four year old every time he gets drunk so he doesn't go around messing with girls that he is not dating.

  12. Ash says:
    Sun, 6th Nov 20115:09 am 

    I find it hard to believe that he could have been so blacked out he couldn't be held responsible for what he was doing.
    Also, you clearly weren't blacked out and you were beating him up…and you sound like you have no remorse for it whatsoever, like you were justified. That's bullshit, in my opinion.

  13. Charlotte says:
    Wed, 9th Nov 20115:55 pm 

    Well, I think it depense on how much you love him and whether you think und will everbe able to trust him again. But first you should get clear whether he is sorry. Also you two should propably think about changing something in your life to prevent you from such situations. When he is always being so drunk that he is blacking out, and its propably happening to you a lot of times you should propably overthink you drinking and partiing habbits. I personally hate to be that drunk that I dont remember almost the hole night. I hate it to be blacked out because I like to have at least soem control over myself.
    But you actually want to know weter you can forgive him or not.I guess I would give my boyfriend a second chance IF he is sorry and did apologize. If you really love him and you have the feeling that you can trust him and that he will do what ever it takes to win your trust back you should try it. BUT if you got the feeling that he isnt a little bit sorry and actually not carring at all, plus you having the feeling that you will never trust him again you should propably end this.
    I also think it would be good to talk to him, tell him how you feel, how hurt you are and how you dont know what to do and ask him whether he wants you relationship to have a second chance!
    I hope I could help.

    PS: and sorry for some strange spelling or gramma english is not my first language.

  14. md2126 says:
    Sat, 12th Nov 20111:18 pm 

    I think she should be begging him for forgiveness for assaulting him.

  15. Courtney says:
    Sat, 19th Nov 20114:51 pm 

    I know I've done a lot of things I would never DREAM of doing, and these all happened while I was black-out drunk. I think once you get past a certain point you don't even know where you are or what you're doing, and sometimes you wake up in the morning hearing what you've done and you don't believe it.

    I think that if you and your boyfriend have had the perfect relationship up until now, you should forgive him, and possibly talk to him about his drinking and GETTING to that point of being blacked out, rather than holding against him what he did while blacked out.

    Also, gauge his reaction to what he'd done when you told him, and imagine what you'd want if you woke up and were told you cheated on him!

    I hope that this helps you :) Good luck!

  16. @HardBarney says:
    Tue, 13th Dec 20112:47 pm 

    Grow up and quit drinking until you blackout and get a boyfriend who doesn't either. Until then, you're too immature for the correct answer, which is: responsible people don't drink until they blackout.

  17. marie says:
    Sat, 7th Jan 201210:43 pm 

    There is something off with both of you simply "accepting" black outs as a normal occasion in life. Sure, partying is fun – but you live together so you clearly aren't teenagers. Examine the behaviour, both of you – you get what you play for.
    You should apologize to each other for a royal screw up of a night and get on with it… making sure none of the behaviour is repeated. If it is, get help.

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