Maxim Says the Darndest Things: December Edition

    Posted in Entertainment

This month, Maxim is ready to deck the halls in cool man gadgets, girls from England and France in their underpants and crazy sex tips that will make every single man look like a jolly blue-balled Santa Clause. Who’s ready to dig in??

In Maxim, the holidays call for stuffing her stocking with gifts she really wants to unwrap. Nope, contrary to popular belief — Maxim is not telling its readers to buy the ladies a real puppy, the entire set of Shatter O.P.I. nail polish and a life supply of sweet red wine (what we really want). Of course, Maxim turned Christmas into an opportunity to get kinky and ‘jingle her bells.’ By jingle her bells, they mean use nipple clamps, do the deed on moving objects like trains, play follow-the-porn and try new positions. Whatever Maxim, way to feed all the men out their false hopes about what women want in bed. My advice? Give her a glass of Riesling and turn on some old school Maroon 5. I’m sorry, but that totally gets ME all hot and bothered.

Maxim was also nice enough to grace us with the top 10 Hometown Hotties of 2011. I’VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG, THANK GOODNESS. Or not, because every single one of them looks uncomfortable wearing see thru lace and touching each other like they’d touch their cousin. “Um, can I put my hand right here? Is this…OK?”

Amidst all of that BS was ‘The Couch-Ma Sutra’ diagram that unlocked 14 football-watching positions of the man and the couch. Every position (especially the soaring eagle) seemed pretty dead on. Hey, I get it that most men love to air out the boys, eat lone Cheetos from the couch cushions and punch their own balls if they put money on Tony Romo. But, I’d rather not hear about how men pee in glass bottles (Milking the Cow), nearly crap their pants (Crouching Tiger, Pooping Pants) and elevate their mind with digested deviled eggs gas (Warming of Cushion).

Whew, glad that’s over. Now it’s time to collect all of the random facts Maxim sprouts from month to month. Seriously, Maxim is full of useless information.

Maxim Says: Thirty-three percent of people surveyed by Trojan Condoms said they boned a coworker during or after an office Christmas party.

Brittany Says: Weird, Maxim is telling me a survey taken by people that have regular random sex says sexual experiences with a coworker is totally valid. This statistic is obviously in the magazine to convince most men that the sexy quiet librarian double at work wants to do the ‘swipe everything off the desk and bang’ thing. Pshyeah. Dreaming.

Maxim Says: The internet is putting summer-camp girlfriends to pasture with fakegirlfriends.com, a service that will text you made-up missives.

Brittany Says: Oh, no. It’s official — a man can start pretending his blonde blow-up doll is sexting him.

Maxim Says: Santa would have to visit 822 homes per second to deliver gifts to all American house-holds on Christmas Eve.

Brittany Says: That means every second, 822 households could be dealing with horned up men taking Maxim‘s advice to become a Sexy Santa and playing follow-the-porn with nipple clamps.

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