What Makes Him A Cheater?

November 26, 2011 9:30 am     Posted in Advice, Relationships  The Dude g+ page


By The Dude

Here’s the question: Did he cheat if he liked his next girlfriend before he broke up with you?

Emotional infidelity, that’s the subject of the debate. Is it cheating if he feels it and thinks it but doesn’t act on it? What if he falls for someone but then breaks up with you before acting on his impulses? Does that make it less bad? Does that mean he did the honorable thing because he didn’t cheat on you? Or is he, still, a worthless piece of crap? How fine is this line?

It seems that what constitutes cheating is getting expanded with every new generation of iPhone. There are, without any doubt, more ways to cheat than ever before. You can sext, Skype sex, cybersex, phone sex, and, hell, I’ve even known a few women who believed that if their boyfriend jerked off to porn it was an act of cheating. If he’s getting off with another live human being, and getting her off, that’s cheating, IMO. But, again, that’s just my take. Getting off to porn, sorry, that’s some Kool-Aid I can’t swallow.

Because here’s the thing: you can’t punish a man by what he feels and thinks. You can brand him on the basis of what he does. Sexting, cybersex, phone sex, etc., these are actions he takes. And they’re acts that betray the commitment you’ve made to each other (for you polys out there, I want to clarify, actions that haven’t been condoned or agreed upon by all partners involved in the relationship. Lawyered!). After all, if thoughts and feelings constitute infidelity, then isn’t everyone guilty at some point?

You’re at a party with some friends, boyfriend may or may not be there, you spot a guy across the room and think, “he’s hot.” Not cheating, right? I mean, we all can admit to finding people other than our partners attractive. Doesn’t mean we act on it. And if we don’t act on the thought then it doesn’t count as cheating, in my book. It doesn’t warrant confessing. Even the bureau of Pre-Crime couldn’t touch you because there wasn’t a intent to act.

Now let’s go a little further: You’re having a conversation with a guy that is not your boyfriend, he makes you laugh, and you share some personal information about each other. You think, “he’s really cute.” Cheating? Nothing sexual was discussed. You didn’t make plans to meet up at a motel. A little personal stuff’s been shared You just felt that flicker of attraction that passes between two people when they’re interacting. Still innocent in my book.

Now, here’s major league scenario: you fall in love with someone else. You’ve never said it to him. You’ve never done anything with him. But you’ve fallen and you’re involved with someone else. Are you cheating?

Emotions aren’t something we can dictate terms to. We have emotional control in so much that we can control what actions we take based on those feelings, and sometimes we don’t even have that (OCD, anyone? Addicts?). Bottom line, the emotional and fantasy elements aren’t something we can filter with absolute certainty. Nor should we have to.

However, if you tell that person you’ve fallen for that you’re plunging headfirst before you’ve told your partner, then, yeah, you’re cheating. Again, one man’s opinion. Confession is an action. Confession has intent. Most of the time.

On the other hand, if you end things with your partner and then confess those feelings, it’s a sh*tty situation but I can’t cast you out for infidelity. You did the best you could under those circumstances. You acted with care because you didn’t prolong a relationship that wasn’t working. You took the hit and then took your shot. What more could a person be expected to do? The easy answer is, “not fall for someone else in the first place” and, yes, that’s a f*cking easy answer. Life’s full of easy answers.

As per usual with some of my posts, all of this is really an attempt to ask all of you a question. What makes him a cheater?

Just thinking out loud,

The Dude

9 Comments on "What Makes Him A Cheater?"

  1. Paige says:
    Sat, 26th Nov 201112:34 pm 

    I agree with you, its not cheating until it becomes physical. Talking and feeling attracted to other guys should never be considered cheating, end of story.

  2. Molly - UNL says:
    Sat, 26th Nov 20111:14 pm 

    Not trying to play devil's advocate – but serious question –

    If you're talking to someone, like pretty regularly via texting/twitter or what have you, your significant other has voiced it makes them uncomfortable, asked if there were feelings involved and you said "no", but you were lying and continued the flirtatious texting/tweeting/communication…what's that? No physical sex, no outward confession of feelings, although the flirting is obvious.

  3. Joyce says:
    Sat, 26th Nov 20112:16 pm 

    Everyone will always feel physically attracted to other people, that's no brainer. Of course, the problem is when the fantasy if fulfilled. Male and female friendship can and it does exist.

    However, this is about what is defined as emotional infidelity. These signs are the ones to look for if someone is being unfaithful emotionally:

    -Person A starts telling person B things person A would not tell his/her significant other, especially very intimate things, dreams, goals, anything that most people would tell his/her significant other.

    -Person A feels happier when he/she is with person B rather than with his/her significant other.

    -Person A always talks about person B to his/her significant other all the time.

    -Person A can't stop staring at person B's eyes.

    If any of these signs are present, then that is emotional infidelity.

  4. Guest says:
    Sat, 26th Nov 20112:48 pm 

    I was the girl he fell for. He did the right thing: we were best friends, but he didn't say anything to me about how he felt about me. They broke up and he waited a few weeks before confessing his feelings for me. I've struggled with feeling insucure that he might fall for someone else while we're together, but as time has passed I've realized that he deserves my trust.

    Thanks for this post. Your advice and insight are always spot-on.

  5. Alyssa says:
    Sat, 26th Nov 20115:09 pm 

    I think that's definitely a form of emotional cheating. If, assuming that your significant other isn't unreasonable in terms of being okay with you spending time with friends of the opposite sex, it has gotten to the point where they feel uncomfortable and you feel compelled to lie about how much time you spend talking to them/ hanging out with them/ interacting with them in any way, you're definitely guilty of something. Even if there is no outward confession of feelings.

  6. Molly - UNL says:
    Sat, 26th Nov 20115:13 pm 

    I agree, I was just curious what everyone else thought! And for the record the "you" in question was my ex boyfriend..not myself, just so no one thinks I'm a terrible person.. :)

  7. Maura - Rider University says:
    Thu, 15th Dec 201111:31 pm 

    Tricky, tricky. I think all couples should have defined boundaries of what is cheating. Some people don't consider it cheating unless sex is involved. Don't just assume, because your partner could be assuming something totally different.
    My bf and I have agreed that if we met someone we were really genuinely interested in, it would only be right to break it off with each other. While it would hurt, I would do this for my boyfriend because I want him to be happy.

    But if he was hanging out with this girl, flirting and spending extra alone time with her while we were dating, I would consider that cheating, or at least dishonesty. If you are in a relationship, you shouldn't seek other people.

    Break it off with the person before doing anything close to infidelity, and then wait a period of time to let them get over it and not feel like you dumped them for another person. That's the best thing you can do.

  8. justAguest says:
    Tue, 20th Dec 20118:24 am 

    Its incredible, how much easier my life is, than yours. Even the concept of "cheating" is self-deception, if you have any kind of sexuality (means: the craving for sex, touch, visual stimulation etc…), you will try to get more sexual partners than only one. If you are denying that, you aren't honest to yourself.

    How unlikely is it, that you are the most sexual interesting person to someone, who is also to you and also the perfect soulmate? So i decided to search the perfect soulmate instead, and don't giving a f about with whom she has sex, and vice versa.

    open relationship ftw, so we are circumventing this whole jealousy crap. try to spak with your partner about how hot that new colleague is, if the breasts in the TV are real and so on…. you'll get to an whole new level of intimicy. Because you don't have to speculate about what the other is thinking/feeling/admiring, cause you KNOW.

    Oh, i'm no native speaker, i'm from europe, so my language and my world of experience may differ from the US, don't hate me.

  9. Chris says:
    Fri, 30th Dec 20112:35 am 

    hahahahaha

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