I think at this point we’ve all realized that real life sex is VERY different from movie sex. Especially when it comes to porn. So here are a few pointers to help you deal when things get a little less magical and a lot more awkward.
He hasn’t made a single sound since we started – what do I do?
1. Check to see if he’s still awake. If he’s sleeping (or passed out) roll over and pretend you passed out too. This will make things way less awkward in the morning. And don’t worry – it happens to the best of us. It’s not that your signature move was so boring it put him to sleep; it’s probably due to a little too much Natty Light. If he’s awake, proceed to step two.
2. Say his name and make some noises yourself. Hopefully he’ll feel more comfortable and speak up. Still not working?
3. Bite him really hard so that he yelps in pain. If he still doesn’t make a sound, he’s probably in some sort of hypnotic trance. Pride yourself on being so amazing in bed you stunned him, then get the hell out of there lest you be blamed when he ends up in a coma.
Uh-oh, my period came early this month. What do I do?
1. “I’m so glad my first time was with you!” This can work if you say it sincerely (it could be a fun way to freak out your one night stand) or if you say it jokingly to take the edge off.
2. Clean it up. If his sheets are a mess, offer to wash them with him.
3. Move on. Most men won’t be traumatized for life after seeing a little bit of blood, so be the two consenting adults that you are and get over it.
He can’t get it up, help!
1. Assure him that you’re in no rush and love just making out. Taking the pressure off might help him get into the right state of mind. Not working?
2. Cut your losses. Pushing the situation for too long will just make him more embarrassed. Find something fun to do instead that takes his mind off things and shows him you don’t care either.
3. “But I’m still horny!” If that’s the case, you can always ask for some oral pleasure. Most of the time (unless you skipped over #2 and he’s now crying in the fetal position) he won’t want to leave you high and dry and will be more than happy to please.
Welcome to the Sahara
I’m really turned on, but the juices aren’t flowing. What do I do?
1. If you have lube, use it! There’s no shame in needing some extra moisture.
2. No lube? Saliva works great, and it’s more fun to apply.
3. If it still feels too dry or hurts, don’t push yourself or you’ll be sore afterward. Find some other way you can both be satisfied.
[This post was originally written by Kylie-Smith College]