8 Hookup Deal Breakers

I could write a book filled with my friends’ hook up horror stories, but that would be ugly and unproductive. So in the spirit of Liz Lemon, I decided to make a list of deal breakers to prevent said horror stories. Unfortunately, many of my friends have followed through with a hookup despite a definite deal breaker (I have not of course, because I am perfect and never make mistakes). Enough is enough. Some things are just plain unacceptable and must be addressed.

However, I didn’t just write this list for girls. Pass this post on to a guy friend. Gentlemen, please pay attention. I’m trying to help you.

1. The Head Move

Head has two meanings here. If you’re a girl, you know exactly what I’m talking about already. The guy you’re making out with places one of his hands on your head or shoulder (barely a step up) and proceeds to gently push you downward. Subtle.

Out of all the over-eager pushy moves guys pull, this has got to be one of the most disrespectful because it wanders into the area of coercion, which is NOT ok.

At best, this tactic epitomizes the male sex’s inability to communicate. Why does the necessity to constantly talk about sex only disappear when you’re actually in the act?  USE YOUR WORDS. So many of my friends have encountered the head move that I’m starting to think guys genuinely believe it to be smooth. Why? How? NO. It’s rude and awkward (more awkward than simply speaking up. Shocker.). You might as well say “Hey, ya know what? I really don’t want to look at your face right now. So if ya don’t mind…”

WE KNOW WHERE IT IS. Please, just ask or let us offer.

2. Overly Aggressive Dirty Talk

On the other hand, a guy who enjoys using his words a little too much can also be a problem. One of my friends was hooking up with a guy for the first time and he suddenly said something so atrocious I don’t feel comfortable quoting it. All I will say is he spoke in a deep, husky voice “reminiscent of Buffalo Bill from ‘The Silence of The Lambs’ ” and ended his exclamation with “BITCH.”

They were about 5 minutes into making out…

Guys, you want to make a girl feel sexy, not like she’s about to be murdered, skinned and then sewn into some socio-path’s lady-suit. So, think before you speak, especially if it’s your first time hooking up with her. She may not even be into that, so try and pull it back…especially if you’re both still fully clothed.

3. Bad kissing 

OK, we can handle the cheesy dance moves or all around lack of rhythm. These tend to be less consistent gauges of a potential hookup’s prowess. However, we cannot and will not tolerate questionable kissing skills. Let me put this into perspective; the guy doing “the fishing-line” on the dance floor has a significantly better chance at catching some tail than the J.T.-in-training who kisses like a trout. (Sadly, the later will not be “rocking” anyone’s body anytime soon. Cheesy enough mixed metaphor for ya?). There is NO excuse for still being a bad kisser by the time you’ve reached COLLEGE.

And no, we don’t care this much because a great make-out is just sooooo romantic and swoon-worthy. We care because if you don’t have that fundamental step down, you’ll most likely disappoint past that point.

4. Overbearing and Over-sharing

One of my friends had been hooking up with a guy for only a couple weeks when he gave her a toothbrush so she could “start staying over all the time!” Yay? As she so eloquently reflected, “2 fast, 2 furious.” Coming on too strong, too soon can make a girl very uncomfortable.

This also includes the often drunken over-sharing. There’s a difference between opening up and word vomit. Girls can make great listeners, but don’t abuse this quality. There is a time and a place…and, hey, probably another person that you could talk to. Pre or Post-hookup, we don’t want to hear about your friend drama, and, please, don’t ever bring up your ex-girlfriend. TMI is a turn-off. Remember, if she was your shrink, you’d being lying on her couch, not her bed.

5. Overconfidence

True, some girls find copious amounts of confidence irresistible, but if you use pick-up lines seriously or refer to yourself in the third person, most girls are just going to think you’re an ass. Worst-case scenario: we find you funny (in a laughing at you not with you sense).

Another friend of mine was once hooking up with a guy who suddenly stopped to ask her, “So, how many times have you climaxed so far?” Did I mention they had been having sex for maybe 10 minutes?

Dude, too soon. What’s next, a Steve Jobs joke?

(She told me this story crying with laughter. At least he did that for her…).

6. Super Sketchy Secretive Behavior

I’m addressing this section mainly to girls. To a lot of us, this is a red flag. However, some girls don’t see a guy’s shenanigans as sketchy, but as mysterious and exciting. I know girls with 4.0’s that fall into this trap. It has got to stop. He is not James Bond, and you are not a Bond girl. So beware of the LATE night texts, secret meeting places, lack of public interaction, and overall treatment of your hookup as a covert operation.

You are not role-playing. HE’S PROBABLY MARRIED.

7. Wanting to Go Condom Commando

This shouldn’t even need an explanation. Girls, don’t give into this pressure by any means. What guy is going to say, “Ok, well I’d rather not have sex at all then”?

If by some off chance he does, he’s an idiot. Sucks to suck.

8. Extreme Drunkenness

Ladies, if he went to the bathroom to “take a piss” and returns with a minty-fresh mouth, he probably wasn’t handling his beer breathe for you, he actually just tactically vommed. Sound cynical? This has happened to more than one of my friends (and they only knew the truth because the fellas fessed up). Get out. Get out immediately.

Guys, extreme drunkenness can lead to not only sloppy seduction, but also disaster. Remember how Jonah Hill head-butts Emma Stone in “Superbad” because he passes out as he leans in to kiss her? Well, even if you make it past your fellow fallen soldier, as long as you too are extremely intoxicated, you’re not going get much further. A girl doesn’t have to be psychic to predict that the hookup will most likely be super bad in other ways.

Bottom line: No girl wants to feel like a sexual predator…or Snookie’s handler.

Of course this list could go on-and-on and get strangely specific. For example, I could add “playing weird mood music” (cranking up the Sarah Bareillis doesn’t exactly set the scene for seduction. Yes, this too has happened to one of my poor friends). However, I trust that the eight deal breakers above cover more common ground. That being said, I recognize that every girl has her personal preferences, and that’s awesome. Just make sure you’re getting what you want out of your hookup experience.

As for the lovely upstanding gentlemen who took the time to read this post, I’d like to impart to you the secret to improving in all the aforementioned areas:

Stop it.

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    1. […] 8 Hookup Deal Breakers […]

    2. Maura - Rider University says:

      All deal breakers for me. Not wanting to wear a condom is the ultimate deal breaker. I don't want your herpes or your child, kthanksbye.

      1. Gabe Asher says:


      2. Gabe Asher says:

        Who uses condoms anymore?? Bad 80's fad. Never heard of birth control pills or injections? Besides, long term effects of latex on genitals has never been tested. I wouldnt take the risk. We made it 1.4 million years without condoms, we can keep on! Number 7 gave me a chuckle as I say this often. And I stick to it. I refuse to wear those things, gross. Why even have sex then? Why not just jerk off? At least its skin against skin, feels better.

      3. snarkywheniwant says:

        word. that's why i recommend dates to a clinic.

    3. Jill says:

      #9 – A man using blue balls as some sort of coercive tactic to get a woman to finish him off. Seriously? I understand that getting horny can make things uncomfortable for some guys, but it's not a clinical condition.

      1. Gaby - Bowdoin College says:

        totally belongs up there

    4. Trent says:

      #2 I keep it classy. "Suck me, beautiful."

      1. Gaby - Bowdoin College says:

        Good luck with that, sir.

    5. Katelyn says:

      The head move is seriously the WORST.

      1. amelie says:

        hahahah i HATE it!

      2. snarkywheniwant says:

        but it's a classic. tried and true. 90% of the time it works 77% of the time.

      3. Sophia Luna says:

        Amen to that, Katelyn.

    6. Melzzz says:

      Once, trying to be all 'adventurous' i got in to a bath with a guy in his hotel room (holiday fling). At one point, he sat up, looked at me over and said 'Well its not the WORST body I've ever seen'.

      I promptly got out of the bath and left.

    7. DatingAgain1 says:

      #3 Hey! I think I had a pretty good excuse.
      I only got my first kiss at age 26😦 … She didn't know it was my first.

      My ex-wife told me I was pretty bad the first time.
      It was very clumsy, awkward, not much of a kiss at all – she almost wrote me off.
      But she said that from the second one I was great. ;-]

    8. Luna. says:

      I've been in a situation where everything got very intense and we were about to hook-up, but we didn't have a condom and he actually said "I'd rather be safe.. You know what I mean?" I was astonished.

      1. mudamuri says:

        So it was hot and heavy and it astonished you he would turn down headywop for lack of condom?

    9. Nick says:

      Gabby – I can understand most and agree with most of your points.

      However, point # 3 [Bad kissing], should not be considered a deal breaker by any mature person. This is really a communication issue. How a woman or man wished to be kissed or even their expectations
      /wants in the bedroom can be improved and agreed upon as two people's relation develops. This is what makes a good relationship.

      Otherwise to judge a person as a prospecting mate based on not being the type of kisser one expects in the beginning is shallow. Unless the person that judges people in this manner is just after a casual fling. Then the point of being a good or bad kisser is irrelevant either way, short of being just personal opinion.

      If a person is not a good communicator or tolerant in their personal relationships. They obviously will not be much better with colleagues/co-workers, friends or family neither.

      Moreover, setting standards too high, maybe too harsh and not all that personally beneficial. Something to consider. Thanks for allowing me to respond, Gabby.

      Best Regards,

      1. Luna Sophia says:

        For some, kissing is simply too important. It's integral to arousal, it's part of the attraction. In my opinion, if the man is a bad kisser, I can't enjoy being with him. That said, it may not be a deal breaker for all. Sometimes someone is a bad kisser because they are drunk or too eager.

      2. Gaby - Bowdoin College says:

        Again, totally see your point.

        But let me invite you to re-read the title of the article.

    10. dave says:

      The article seems whiny and judgmental, the ULTIMATE deal breaker. If you're overthinking things to the point where you're finding excuses not to like someone, you weren't ready for a relationship.

      Hint: You can always find a flaw in others and they in you. A successful relationship depends upon accepting those flaws.

      1. Kat says:

        Dave, you didn't read the article, right? Good. Cause I was thinking you're a complete idiot, when you don't understand that for example hooking up with someone who is very very drunk (a man or a woman) might be a bad idea. Waking up to someone who just peed your bed is not very nice. (That did happen to my friend who hooked up with a very drunk girl).
        Also, how is saying "not wanting to use a condom, is a deal breaker" in any way whiny?? Do you live in a country where condoms are not the usual part of random sex?
        And how is judging a bad thing, when you're hooking up with someone you don't know? It's what you have to do. Decide if that girl might have herpes and if that dude has washed in the last week.
        Get over your self and go get laid enough so you might experience to talk about and add to the conversation.

      2. Gaby - Bowdoin College says:

        That is a good point that I would wholeheartedly agree with…. if we were talking about actual relationships here. But we're not. We're talking about hookups.

    11. tdctldr says:

      All I see is blah blah blah, I have serious delusions of grandeur. Prediction: Plastic cat lady in training, dirtier than the wild animals you keep. Good times A+ thanks for the read.

    12. I beg to disagree for point #5 overconfidence. In my opinion, confidence is really one of the main factors to success in scoring hot chicks!! i'm once have crush on a hot girl named Angel, but she only considered me as her best friend.

      Lucky for me, I found "COMPLETE Women Controller" on Google. I've gained enough confidence to make her begged me to be her boyfriend, p.s: I also practiced some mind control technique on her.

    13. jessica says:

      The article seems whiny and judgmental, the ULTIMATE deal breaker. If you're overthinking things to the point where you're finding excuses not to like someone, you weren't ready for a relationship.

      1. Gaby - Bowdoin College says:

        This is a humor piece about hooking-up, not about serious or even semi-serious relationships. If it were about relationships instead of casual flings or one-night stands I would 100% agree with you. But it's not and should be taken lightly. It's about superficial sexual interactions, THEREFORE it is superficial. Thanks for the feedback though, I probably should have clarified these points better because this misunderstanding seems to be a shared theme of other critiques below.

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