I could write a book filled with my friends’ hook up horror stories, but that would be ugly and unproductive. So in the spirit of Liz Lemon, I decided to make a list of deal breakers to prevent said horror stories. Unfortunately, many of my friends have followed through with a hookup despite a definite deal breaker (I have not of course, because I am perfect and never make mistakes). Enough is enough. Some things are just plain unacceptable and must be addressed.
However, I didn’t just write this list for girls. Pass this post on to a guy friend. Gentlemen, please pay attention. I’m trying to help you.
1. The Head Move
Head has two meanings here. If you’re a girl, you know exactly what I’m talking about already. The guy you’re making out with places one of his hands on your head or shoulder (barely a step up) and proceeds to gently push you downward. Subtle.
Out of all the over-eager pushy moves guys pull, this has got to be one of the most disrespectful because it wanders into the area of coercion, which is NOT ok.
At best, this tactic epitomizes the male sex’s inability to communicate. Why does the necessity to constantly talk about sex only disappear when you’re actually in the act? USE YOUR WORDS. So many of my friends have encountered the head move that I’m starting to think guys genuinely believe it to be smooth. Why? How? NO. It’s rude and awkward (more awkward than simply speaking up. Shocker.). You might as well say “Hey, ya know what? I really don’t want to look at your face right now. So if ya don’t mind…”
WE KNOW WHERE IT IS. Please, just ask or let us offer.
2. Overly Aggressive Dirty Talk
On the other hand, a guy who enjoys using his words a little too much can also be a problem. One of my friends was hooking up with a guy for the first time and he suddenly said something so atrocious I don’t feel comfortable quoting it. All I will say is he spoke in a deep, husky voice “reminiscent of Buffalo Bill from ‘The Silence of The Lambs’ ” and ended his exclamation with “BITCH.”
They were about 5 minutes into making out…
Guys, you want to make a girl feel sexy, not like she’s about to be murdered, skinned and then sewn into some socio-path’s lady-suit. So, think before you speak, especially if it’s your first time hooking up with her. She may not even be into that, so try and pull it back…especially if you’re both still fully clothed.
3. Bad kissing
OK, we can handle the cheesy dance moves or all around lack of rhythm. These tend to be less consistent gauges of a potential hookup’s prowess. However, we cannot and will not tolerate questionable kissing skills. Let me put this into perspective; the guy doing “the fishing-line” on the dance floor has a significantly better chance at catching some tail than the J.T.-in-training who kisses like a trout. (Sadly, the later will not be “rocking” anyone’s body anytime soon. Cheesy enough mixed metaphor for ya?). There is NO excuse for still being a bad kisser by the time you’ve reached COLLEGE.
And no, we don’t care this much because a great make-out is just sooooo romantic and swoon-worthy. We care because if you don’t have that fundamental step down, you’ll most likely disappoint past that point.
4. Overbearing and Over-sharing
One of my friends had been hooking up with a guy for only a couple weeks when he gave her a toothbrush so she could “start staying over all the time!” Yay? As she so eloquently reflected, “2 fast, 2 furious.” Coming on too strong, too soon can make a girl very uncomfortable.
This also includes the often drunken over-sharing. There’s a difference between opening up and word vomit. Girls can make great listeners, but don’t abuse this quality. There is a time and a place…and, hey, probably another person that you could talk to. Pre or Post-hookup, we don’t want to hear about your friend drama, and, please, don’t ever bring up your ex-girlfriend. TMI is a turn-off. Remember, if she was your shrink, you’d being lying on her couch, not her bed.
True, some girls find copious amounts of confidence irresistible, but if you use pick-up lines seriously or refer to yourself in the third person, most girls are just going to think you’re an ass. Worst-case scenario: we find you funny (in a laughing at you not with you sense).
Another friend of mine was once hooking up with a guy who suddenly stopped to ask her, “So, how many times have you climaxed so far?” Did I mention they had been having sex for maybe 10 minutes?
Dude, too soon. What’s next, a Steve Jobs joke?
(She told me this story crying with laughter. At least he did that for her…).
6. Super Sketchy Secretive Behavior
I’m addressing this section mainly to girls. To a lot of us, this is a red flag. However, some girls don’t see a guy’s shenanigans as sketchy, but as mysterious and exciting. I know girls with 4.0’s that fall into this trap. It has got to stop. He is not James Bond, and you are not a Bond girl. So beware of the LATE night texts, secret meeting places, lack of public interaction, and overall treatment of your hookup as a covert operation.
You are not role-playing. HE’S PROBABLY MARRIED.
7. Wanting to Go Condom Commando
This shouldn’t even need an explanation. Girls, don’t give into this pressure by any means. What guy is going to say, “Ok, well I’d rather not have sex at all then”?
If by some off chance he does, he’s an idiot. Sucks to suck.
8. Extreme Drunkenness
Ladies, if he went to the bathroom to “take a piss” and returns with a minty-fresh mouth, he probably wasn’t handling his beer breathe for you, he actually just tactically vommed. Sound cynical? This has happened to more than one of my friends (and they only knew the truth because the fellas fessed up). Get out. Get out immediately.
Guys, extreme drunkenness can lead to not only sloppy seduction, but also disaster. Remember how Jonah Hill head-butts Emma Stone in “Superbad” because he passes out as he leans in to kiss her? Well, even if you make it past your fellow fallen soldier, as long as you too are extremely intoxicated, you’re not going get much further. A girl doesn’t have to be psychic to predict that the hookup will most likely be super bad in other ways.
Bottom line: No girl wants to feel like a sexual predator…or Snookie’s handler.
Of course this list could go on-and-on and get strangely specific. For example, I could add “playing weird mood music” (cranking up the Sarah Bareillis doesn’t exactly set the scene for seduction. Yes, this too has happened to one of my poor friends). However, I trust that the eight deal breakers above cover more common ground. That being said, I recognize that every girl has her personal preferences, and that’s awesome. Just make sure you’re getting what you want out of your hookup experience.
As for the lovely upstanding gentlemen who took the time to read this post, I’d like to impart to you the secret to improving in all the aforementioned areas: