He Said/She Said: Porn with a Partner

By Raquel

I feel the need to preface this column with an admission that pornography is simply not my thing. Not my flavour of vodka. Doesn’t float my metaphorical boat. Quite simply, I find porn fake, unsexy and peripherally distressing. Not that I think porn is the work of satan or anything – I just find it distinctly unappealing. Fake fingernails in places they don’t belong? Legs in cramp-inducing positions? Bleached anuses and vulvas waxed to within a an inch of adulthood? Don’t even get me started. To employ the vernacular – nah, bro. Not keen.

I’ve watched porn before. Aside from films directed by Erika Lust, I’ve never truly found anything to my tastes. I’ve even watched porn with other people before. One particularly memorable afternoon, my five flatmates and I decided to watch Deep Throat. Mid-film, our city was rocked by a fairly robust earthquake. There’s some sort of deep lesson in there, I’m sure. Karma, perhaps? But that’s beside the point; watching porn with a sense of irony is leaps and bounds from watching porn intimately with your partner. In fact, the ridiculousness of Pirates can only truly be appreciated in company, I think.

So let’s imagine a world in which I did enjoy porn. Would I enjoy it with a partner? Or would pornography be a solitary enjoyment? In honesty, I imagine it would be solitary. Watching porn with a significant other would catalyse so many concerns that it would hinder my enjoyment of sex. Am I as hot as that porn star? Am I as flexible? Can I do that thing with my tongue (hint: quite possibly not). As insecure as I am about my own abilities in bed, watching pornography would probably only add another layer of anxiety to my already muddled thoughts. This makes it sound like some arduous chore, but sex requires concentration – you’ve got to keep your head in the game. If my mind is wandering to some musing about how [some porn star] performs [some unattainable act], I’m going to be distracted and unable to do myself justice.

I’m being selfish, I realise. Surely there are many couples out there who enjoy watching porn together, and good on them. If they’ve found a way to keep things exciting and sexy, then I’m hardly one to judge. More to the point, I admire the fact that these couples respect and trust each other enough to watch porn together. I mean, it’s exposing a vulnerability, is it not? As with confessing your deepest, darkest fantasies, being turned on by pornography while with a significant other can be deeply revealing of a person’s tastes and desires. Perhaps it will benefit your sex life, if you are so lucky to find someone who enjoys pornography as much as you do.

Essentially, it comes down to your relationship with your significant other – trust and understanding are essential to any sexual relationships involving pornography. It can be a contentious issue, so I wouldn’t raise it out of the blue, and most certainly not during the first time you become sexually involved. Be sensitive to your partner’s needs, wants, and concerns – if they aren’t keen, don’t push the issue. Porn may be your cup of tea, but it doesn’t appeal to many (if not most) women. If you find something that works for you and your relationship, though, by all means enjoy yourselves!

Want to see if He Said he’s into watching porn with his current girl? COEDMagazine.com discusses the matter with us!