“So…are we gonna hook-up or what?”
Ah, another poor soul lost to the epidemic I refer to as “The Death of Subtlety.” It was a fabulous time (read: three days) we spent together. He was good-looking, kinda funny, not too much of a d-bag…in other words, a total catch. And then, as we lay in each other’s arms on the musty couch, he uttered that fateful question. Sigh. Is it too much to ask that an insignificant other be at least a little eloquent?
Apparently, the answer is yes, it is too much to ask. And while I like to think I’m the only one that destiny thrusts into these terribly awkward situations, this is not the case. Many of my peers, both guys and girls, have shared disaster stories involving their partners’ lack of tactfulness and vain attempts at trying to “get it in,” as the kids say nowadays. (My personal favorite involves Paranormal Activity, a roommate gone for the weekend, and the statement, “You should give me a blowjob.” Needless to say, nothing “got in” that night.)
So, in response to the fact that some people are not fluent in the language of subtlety, I’ve decided to compile a list of common phrases you might hear from these failed Don Juans…and how to respond.
1. “You should give me a blowjob/sleep with me/etc.”
I’m sorry, I don’t recall agreeing to an “awkward conversation for blowjobs” program. Why else should I do whatever you’re asking? By the way, definitely work on your conversational transitions.
Proper Response: You should retract that statement and try again.
2. “Hey…wanna make-out/hook-up/do something you’ll regret tomorrow?”
While better than the previous statement (they did give you the option to say no after all), this question ruins the moment and sends the awkward meter through the roof. Just touch my face or something and I’ll get the hint.
Proper Response: As charming as you are, I’m disinclined to acquiesce to your request. (Bonus: Pirates of the Caribbean reference! Dudes love that.)
3. “People tell me I’m really great at sex/going down/misc. other ‘activity’.’”
I’m glad you’re proud of your “skill.” But unless you provide a reference, I really don’t care about your previous experience. And let’s be honest, I like to delude myself into thinking that you’ve only ever hooked-up with me.
Proper Response: Were those people paid for their testimonials?
4. “You know, my roommate’s gone for the weekend and I’m feeling really lonely…”
Let me guess: there’s so much room for activities now! While that sounds like a riveting opportunity, your poor attempts at making me feel empathy for your loneliness are as laughable as Kim K.’s marriage (BAM! Pop culture smackdown).
Proper Response: Now we can make intense eye contact without your pesky roommate bothering us!
5. “What’s up?” or any variation of this phrase, sent in a text at 2 a.m.
We all know and tolerate those booty call texts that can range from a simple drunken “heeyyyy” to something like the one my roommate received last week: “Bang?” (She responded with “Sleep?” Conversation over.) I’m all for late-night hook-ups, but there has to be a better way of initiating them.
Proper Response: Depends if you’re into it or not. Answering with, “I wanna hold your hand so hard,” also works.