Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: January Edition

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Oh, Scarlett Johansson, you look like you climbed out of a classy strip club that only gave you clothes from the clearance rack in Wet Seal. WHAT happened? I’ll give it to Cosmo and their ability to take a modest and bangin’ starlet and turn her into a slutty hybrid of herself — yeesh.

Moving on from that bad purple lace dress and nappy hair job, I flew across some interesting factoids about how to boost his ego after sex. How does Cosmo want you to do it? Say, “That thing you do with your tongue is unbelievable!” Whew, I’m getting exhausted just thinking about this. But maybe it’s just been too long since I’ve had a popsicle. Later, Cosmo dug into Google to see what men want to know most about women. The top search? “Why does my girlfriend’s vag smell.”  Great, looks like men STILL don’t care about anything but sex.

In a touchy-feely article called ‘Touches That Lock Down His Love,’ Cosmo taught us that stroking his earlobe between your thumb and index finger calms him when he’s stressed. And when he’s telling you a story you’re suppose to reach toward him with your palm up. Finally, an article jam packed of quirky things I can do with my hands to make him fall in love with me!

In one of the more disgusting articles of the month, Cosmo listed some whacked-out one liners of men talking about “that time of the month.” Let’s just say the first line I read was, “Does the blood come out of your sex hole or one of the other two?” Then, I threw up in my mouth and moved on due the expense of man-ignorance and disgust.

But the best article of the month was the kinkiest one, of course; called ‘Kinky-Lite Sex Moves Guys Love.’ Meanwhile, I’ll try to decide if Cosmo knows the difference between the ‘O’ face and the ‘OMG WTF’ face.

Cosmo Says: Hand him your vibrator, and tell him to use it on himself while you watch.

Brittany Says: Well, that’s awkward. And not natural. You don’t eat a banana and then hand it to your boyfriend. “Hey, I want you to eat this so I can watch.” See? Not natural.

Cosmo Says: At a crowded bar, pull him into a dark corner, pin him up against a wall with your body, and stealthily slip your hands down his pants.

Brittany Says: I want to know what kind of bars people are hanging out at. Where there aren’t many people and enough dark corners to pull something like this off. I know any bar I went to would see more than they bargained for if this went down.

Cosmo Says: Order him to not get an erection when you go down on him. Once he does, punish him by throwing him on the bed.

Brittany Says: Ugh, how confusing! “You feel GREAT right now because I’m touching you? YOU NEED TO STOP.” If anything, do something like this if your boyfriend is all up in your tree when you’re not feeling it. He will get thoroughly confused and pipe right down.

Cosmo Says: Use a nontoxic, washable marker to write numbers on your body parts that indicate what order he should lick them.

Brittany Says: Do you guys remember those scented black licorice markers you used in third grade? Suddenly I have that taste in my mouth when I used to try and eat them. Weird.

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