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The Worst Sex Advice, Courtesy of My Friends

When I was in elementary school, my best friend told me that sex was “when a man puts his thing in a girl’s vagina.” That was the truest information about sex I’ve ever gotten from a friend. As I grew older, my friends started to tell me more and more things about sex, most of which were total lies.

It took forever for me to realize that my friends were clueless, and I bet most of yours are too. This is some of the absolute worst sex advice my friends have ever given me.

1. “If a guy goes down on you or fingers you, you HAVE to reciprocate!”

No. I. Don’t. Can’t a guy just do something nice for me without expecting something in return? Yes, he can. You aren’t expected to reciprocate anything if you don’t want to. I don’t give Santa Claus presents after he leaves me tons of gifts under my Christmas tree, I just bake him cookies. I’m sure some nights cookies will be a good enough reciprocation for your guy.

2. “Lube is for old ladies.”

Total lies. Lube is for virgins, old ladies and anyone in between. I know there are some nights when things aren’t going too “smoothly,” and lube would definitely solve those problems. You don’t have the buy the lube that is obviously for old people (like Astroglide). If you go to a sex store, you can find billions of lubes (flavored, water-based, warming, cooling, etc.) that won’t make you feel like an old woman.

3. “It’s okay to skip your birth control sometimes. “

Yeah! It’s totally okay if you want to have a baby! But I’m assuming you don’t want a baby, so you probably shouldn’t be skipping pills. If it’s hard for you to remember to take your pill every day, try another method that you won’t have to remember to take every day after lunch.

4. “It’s hard for girls to have orgasms, so you don’t have to have one every time.”

Yes I do! If I am going to take twenty minutes out of my life to make sure the guy has one, then I better have one too. And I understand that sex is about more than orgasms. It’s about love and that special connection with someone. However, sometimes the only “connection” I want is the connection of my O and my guy’s O happening at the same time.

5. “You can get pregnant from ‘swallowing’.”

This comes from the same friend who told me number one. She thinks that your stomach is connected to your uterus, and anything that enters your stomach shoots right through into your uterine walls. By this logic, there’s a foot-long sub in my uterus right now. At least it’s not a baby.

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