A Dude Explains Why Men Are Obsessed With Breasts

Breasts, mammaries, ta-tas, bazooms, melons, watermelons, balloons, boobs, boobies, chesticles, rack, honkers, hooters, headlights, baby feeding devices, pillows, snugglers, smugglers, and PUPPIES!

More than the Tardis and the Intersect, breasts are the greatest creation on God’s green earth? No? F*ck you, yes they are. Stonehenge could crumble, sliced bread can eat me and space may be the final frontier, but sure as s*it ain’t my favorite. Or ANY heterosexual male’s favorite for that matter. Men are obsessed with breasts. We are. Accept it. I’m not saying you need to like it, but it’ll save you a world of wishing death if you admitted it. The question isn’t whether Bourbon St. at Mardi Gras is our heaven, the question is: Why?

Well, I’ve got a few theories swirling in my brain. First, I think we’ve got breast envy. That’s right, I said it! Men love boobs because we’re without. They’re just so much fun! All we get to play with are our pricks and that’s pretty limiting.

Part of me thinks it’s a power thing. Breasts hold sway over us. We know they dominate us, and that therefore entices and as frustrates us. Women are the dominant gender for SEVERAL reasons, and two of them are staring at our chest while our eyes try to steer upwards.

Another part of me (I refuse to name which part) thinks this is a dignity issue. Ever notice that when a woman’s naked it’s considered sexy, but male nudity is funny? You know why? Breasts! Without them we just look like deformed Ken dolls.

Perhaps there’s something to do with Oedipal desires/milk of life, and therefore a reverence for the power to create life. Although, truth be told, I wasn’t breast fed and I’m clearly still a victim to my double-D compulsion. Thus, I dismiss this particular theory! One down at least…

Maybe we’re all trying to over-think it too much. It could just be a callback to the primitive amygdala in our brains. Breasts are an indication of a potential mate with which to procreate and we are programmed to procreate. I wonder if breast size and shape, in the days before homo-sapiens wore clothes, had bearing on who one would wish to knock over the head with a club and drag back to their caves. Of course, being a shower vs. a grower could’ve also had the same affect for you ladies.

I like to think that as we’ve evolved, size doesn’t matter as much. It certainly doesn’t for me. I’ve been in lust with women who I’ve had bigger mammaries than, and you better believe I still loved seeing them in low-cut tops. That’s it! It’s the fact that breasts — of all sizes — are magical!

Think about all you can do with those babies. I mean, you can dress them up or down. You can create all sorts of optical illusions so that they appear to be all different shapes and sizes. Or you can literally display them as works of performance art. You even have the opportunity to augment them if you want! Tough to do with testicles. We only get implants to replace, not to enhance. And if you’re in the adult entertainment industry, you can even write them off! Even the IRS loves them. Holy tax deduction, Batman!

To an extent, I want to apologize to all of you ladies on behalf of my gender. We do ogle. We do stare. We revel and worship. We are reduced to horny toads and come off as disrespectful almost all of the time. I don’t know if there will come a day when our obsession will die down, but I do believe it’s a miracle you put up with us. I mean, we don’t even consciously choose to look at them, we just do. There’s certainly something instinctual going on. Instinctual that often crosses the line to insulting, skeevy even.

You’re the heroes, not just for being the gatekeepers, but for not having squished most of our eyes to jelly after you turn fourteen. Could you help solve the mystery? Why do you think men are obsessed with your…you knows? In what ways do you think man’s fixation on them has helped or hindered you? Tell us. Teach us. Punish us?

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  1. […] A Man Tells Us Why They’re Obsessed With BOOBS! – College Candy […]

  2. Joyce says:

    Wrong, even if you are a dude. Y'all like boobs because they are mimicking the shape of the butt, since humans walk in only two legs. If we were still walking in four, the butt would be enough, but since y'all are visual creatures, y'all need to see meat in front AND behind.

    The only reason why boob jobs are more common that ass implants is because boob jobs are cheaper, easier, and take waaaay less time than ass implants.

    And let's face it; the majority of men prefer the butt over the boobs…and I'm talking as a bisexual girl.

    I mean, you can look at ANY poll asking what is the favorite female body part, and the butt will ALWAYS will over the boobs. The thing is that the US is the only retarded country overly obsessed with boobs in a sexual way.

    1. Sunny says:

      Yeah I joyce it seems 'Western men' are obsessed with breats and I think it's mostly because of media and not being breastfed enough. South American men and African men a completely obsessed with ass. And I think a lot of western men are too just not the majority. Where do they think this whole anal obsession comes from? An obsession with butt.

    2. R.J. Moore II says:

      That's because they're Protestant radicals who are afraid of sex and nudity; the covering-up of the breast has made men obsessed with it. If you force people to hide things it becomes taboos, and taboos are extremely erotic to most people (though they often lie about it).

  3. […] A Dude Explains Why Men Are Obsessed With Breasts […]

  4. […] • Why men love breasts. (College Candy) […]

  5. […] A dude explains why men are obsessed with breasts. College Candy […]

  6. criolle johnny says:

    I'd rather see the top of her head.

  7. Chris says:

    Good Article, The Dude. But, don't apologize! I am a man and I will never apologize for looking. I don't see women apologizing for checking out my 'assets'.

    Your need to apologize for the male gender proves that the Wussification of the Western Male has brought you to feel guilty about enjoying the female form…which is, on constant display and nearly completely exposed. Women know we look and though they act disgusted or upset, we didn't force them to spend $50 on a Miracle-Bra or $5000 on a boob-job. And, they certainly don't get upset when their breasts get them out of a speeding ticket, bigger tips or free drinks. Be a man, be proud & look!

    1. Honey Badger says:

      Be a man, be proud and look? No. What you're referring to is called being a pig.

    2. R.J. Moore II says:

      No, you're just a politically correct retard. The idea that a man finding a woman attractive, and admitting it, as a bad or offensive thing comes from your irrational fear of sex; shit-for-brains.

    3. korg says:

      Yes R.J – I'm constantly inundated with female-orientated images of scantily clad men in most tv shows, commercials, and popular culture… and I love it! I guess I just enjoy the male form so much that I have to reiterate these desires onto everyone else… everyone NOT hetero and female included… (because the female viewpoint is society's default setting anyway, duh!). Oh, and It's just common knowledge that men with big packages are ogled, because it's our god given right as women to do so! Pfft.

    4. Chris says:

      R.J.: Though I agree. I would have used a bit more tact in expressing the opinion. Given women were once treated as only objects. But, the perpetual need to look beautiful and gain attention through attractiveness is just as old of a tradition continued by women.
      The problem is that Western Culture has empowered women for being more like men and damned men for being men. No wonder there is so much confusion in adolescent teens. Boys wearing skinny jeans and makeup. Girls idolized for joining the Wrestling team.

      Korg: The male form is just as objectified. Sometimes more so. I saw a commercial about detergent and the softness of shirts. Two 'well-formed' men wearing the shirts were virtually molested by the questioned women. That's okay. But, a man looking at the 36-Ds bouncing down the street in a dress 2 sizes too small is a 'pig'.

    5. Chris says:

      No. It's called being a man.

      Men look. Women look. You're not going to undo tens of thousands of years of evolution and social engineering just because the feminists want to oppress men.

  8. Honey Badger says:

    I think men are obsessed with breasts because that's what the media tells them is normal.

    1. korg says:

      Agreed. They are a secondary sexual characteristic, and a signifier that poses 'femininity' against 'masculinity'. Breasts are focussed on to bolster the 'normality' of viewing women as 'other', and in turn support the notion that heterosexuality is the hegemonic norm.

    2. hipsman says:

      I agree and not being breastfed enough. Everyone BUT American men, it seems, are obsessed with hips and ass. american media is just messing their heads up.

    3. R.J. Moore II says:

      Wrong, your arrow of causation is backward. American men also like hips and ass. They ALSO like breasts because of the religio-cultural taboos around upper-body nudity. But it's not 'teh media' that has caused this, it's English puritanism.

    4. R.J. Moore II says:

      No, the media sells breasts because men are obsessed with them. You're back-assward.

  9. Cherry says:

    I think College Candy needs a new "The Dude."

    He says to us chicks we have to "accept it" when it comes to pornography to looking at tits. There is no problem with porn or tits, but the way The Dude writes makes men seem blameless with a "boys will be boys" attitude. I don't care for that outlook. It is degrading for men! It's embarrassing for women! I have been a long-term reader of many female-centric blogs and want to see people succeed. But this guy is holding you back as a blog.

    1. neat says:

      wow get over it

  10. Amber says:

    i find that a lot of men like breasts alright, but are really obsessed with a womans ass. wtf is up with THAT? my husband loves my ass. i do not understand it. poo comes out of there. that is all.

    1. R.J. Moore II says:

      And you use your mouth to grind food into nasty paste. You're just rationalizing your own discomfort and fear of your body and sexuality.

  11. R.J. Moore II says:

    I'm pretty indifferent about breasts. They're soft and whatnot, but no more interesting than a girl's legs or arms.

  12. Invah says:

    My husband is undoubtedly a breast man. Even though I have the largest of any woman he has ever dated, he has never made that an issue with his previous relationships. First and foremost, he goes for brains/personality. (Without that, he is completely content to look and greatly enjoys trips to Las Vegas…but he has never brought a Vegas girl back home with him.)

    While he is visual, he is also incredibly tactile and breasts fulfill both in a big way.

    Just think about it, guys love boobs whether the lights are on or not!

  13. bill says:

    i think SARAH and BACHMAN ought to open a house of i'll repute man would THE GOPers go for that. ill bet NEWT could field dress that

  14. […] Candy: Why are men obsessed with breasts? (This guy thinks it’s jealousy: because male nudity, sans boobs, is inherently a […]

  15. Julie says:

    HILARIOUS. I enjoyed this post much. Nice job. :)

  16. Rich says:

    This guy has it wrong. In order of importance to me:
    1. Azz
    2. Feet
    3. Legs
    4. Breast

    She could have the nicest breast in the world, but if the first 3 are not up to par, then it doesn't matter. On the flip size, she could have tiny A cups, but if the first 3 are great then I don't care about breast. In other words, breast ARE nice to look at, and they WILL get my attention, but they are just "extra" in the total scheme of things.

    1. @BartNJ says:

      it's "flip SIDE" just saying… ugh

    2. sandy74 says:

      u r stupid to ignore the god's greatest marvel

  17. Mel says:

    My boyfriend is so obsessed with my breasts he forgets about the rest of me sometimes. Can be a downer on sex when they're the only focus but alot of guys i've gone out with have always started with the breasts. Men could really do with ignoring the 'caveman instincts' occasionally.

  18. Streetman says:

    My partner loves my breasts. And that's kind of amazing to me. I developed early, and in a big way, and its been something I've struggled with for years. Looking like a shorter version of a fertility idol in a society full of people who idolize the thin, the tall, and the painfully coiffed has been a real strain on my self confidence. But here is my partner, who worships all my curves and my great bountiful breasts. He loves to play, to nestle, to suckle, to admire from a distance. Maybe its breast envy, maybe its a need to return to the womb, maybe its boredom with his own parts; whatever it is, I'm happy with it. I love my partner, my partner loves me, and we love my breasts.

  19. brittany says:

    This sounds like a dumb girl trying her hardest to sound like a dude. I'm not sold on the fact that they actually have a male writer.

  20. Reality says:

    I'm not gonna lie. I check guys out so I can't exactly tell them to keep from reciprocating… :)

    Sex is a natural part of life. And so is looking for what kind of woman and man you want to have sex with. If I don't want a guy looking at my breasts, I'll wear a baggy sweater and keep everything hidden. Just saying. :P

  21. whteve says:

    you know wht , my boyfriend loves my boops , he touch and played with it evrydays

  22. LML says:

    I try hiding my boobs. I don't feel like they enhance my looks so I make them look to be a B instead of D. Whether it's shame or insecurity I don't know, but I probably should not try so hard to change what I look like.

  23. kittyroo says:

    i love the last part in bold :)…..such a cutie

  24. Uzhi says:

    Every one is diff from d dats y sum lyk to look or focus on d breast jst lyk africa gus r realy obssed wit a woman nakedness especialy d ass

  25. sakar says:

    Being a woman myself im not bothered that men like breasts as long as they respect my prefernce to how they and myself are treated, I understand that men like to look but when they make no eye contact during a conversation I fnd it disgusting because I dont want to contemplate what their thinking. Im insecure about my breasts to the point I wear a top during sex, and I also dont like men suckong on my breasts because in my opinion it is disgusting becayse their acting like a child and I dont want ti ve think of a full grown man as a child and especislly not during sex its a complete turn off.

  26. Suana says:

    As i am a young single lady (26) . i LOVE every thing. I have no discrimination ……..frankly i am a lesbian in nature that is why i only like sexy models like you………. I never feel shy to do my self-pleasure in my bath room….i am happy with my orgasm….. thanks.

  27. sarii says:

    ..I have big boobs and I do really thx God for having them healthily.. moreover whn my bf adores them so much,beside myself -my personality/characters- shorty,I neva regret for having big boobs now,,they give me lotsa pleasures all da time I need ;))

  28. Miya says:

    i love my boobs being played by my husband♥ anytime :)

  29. Dru says:

    its because of the shape.. it attracts men. I like boobs, ass, legs and face ofcourse!

  30. boobie says:

    i just luv the way my hubby squeezes my twins ……….plays with them …… them like a child

    1. player says:

      have a great fuck baby…………… squeze boobs and have fun…..

  31. Sadur says:

    I agree with Honey badger. I think men are obsessed with breasts because therw are the nipples.

  32. @BartNJ says:

    I wish people writing to college-aged readers would STOP trying so hard to be funny. If you have a sense of humor, it will come through in your writing. If you force it, it will come across as FORCED and unfunny, desperate, and boring. And jacking the style of that guy who writes the books who claims he has sex with all these girls and they love him for the way he trashes them, and he says "fuck" a lot..that guy, stop trying to be like him. Thanks.

  33. Ashlee says:

    You’re a douchebag.

    1. Amy G says:

      You, Ashlee, are a douchebag receptacle.

      It makes me happy that my man is obsessed with my breasts. It also makes me feel a bit sorry for guys, that breasts can potentially have so much power over them. To me it's about the same as anyone liking any part of my body.

  34. IamME says:

    Not necessarily! I think it depends on the guy. I totally agree with RICH… like me, I don't obsess about boobs.. don't get me wrong, I love them, but I am more obsess with legs.. i love those amazing thighs, turns me on all the time.(ladies? if you wanna seduce me, wear mini skirts or short shorts)…

    My girlfriend never fails to turn me on every time she wear shorts or anything that shows her skin.. these are my obsessions in order of importance:
    1. legs/thighs
    2. hips
    3. armpits
    4. boobs

  35. John Cunningham says:

    yes odsessed is a better word the dam stupid when it comes to breast, now explane why any male would be involed with religous control or try to deny sex, to themselves or others.

  36. Margaret S says:

    Omg! A boob is a.boob is a boob. Has been for thousands of years.. wish you.guys would just GET OVER IT!!!!!_

    1. Only Human says:

      if we got over it, humans would eventually become extinct

  37. Alex says:

    I find large breasts to make women less attractive. If they catch my eye before her face does, it's a turn off. The biggest thing I care about in regards to breast size though is that they aren't so big that they impede athletic activities. I could understand women wanting to get breast reduction surgery, just for the convenience.

    Men are largely obsessed with big breasts because they were taught to do so as children and they didn't have enough will power to make up their own minds. Same thing with car obsessions, spitting, standing at toilets, etc. These are learned behaviors, not innate.

  38. Torres6351 says:

    You women make me sick with all your bull crap. First we don’t look at you enough, than too much than we are obsessed. Gosh be fucken grateful that we consider you beautiful. No one put a gun to your head and forced you to get boob jobs. If we are pigs for looking than you females are worse for provoking us with little tops and augmenting them. So just fucken stop already.

  39. rebecakasak says:

    breast certainly not a best way to attract a man. Sometimes it really turns a man down with a too big butts. Men still prefer a woman with a lovely slim arms, hip and a waist size is also important.

  40. Edward says:

    Why are men obsessed with breasts?

    Why not? Some women are obsessed with men who are obsessed with breasts. What is the big deal with these women? They wear brassieres to lift and make obvious. Some of them carry them around as if they are on big plates asking men to take a bite.

    Get over yourselves, women!

  41. Jessu says:

    Us small-breasted ladies need loving too!

    All this attention on those big dopey silcon knockers leaves us out so much :(

    Petite females need loving too!

  42. thinking person says:

    beta male phaggot, thinking women are dominant.

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