red says:
Fri, 6th Jan 20125:47 pm 

Ugh I FEEL your pain. 100% in the same boat as you! Just hang in there and strut your stuff, if guys dont see how wonderful you are then its on them, not on you.

Jess says:
Fri, 6th Jan 20126:18 pm 

I know EXACTLY how you feel! I'm also black, turning 21 in a month, and I've never had a boyfriend either! I also saw that Nightline special and countless other specials and features and news stories about successful (and very single) black women and frankly, I'm getting pretty tired of them (just because we're black doesn't mean we're undesirable!) I've been telling myself to focus on school and my hobbies, and to maybe get out more (I am also introverted); I think all we can do is just enjoy life and roll with the punches and hopefully things will take a turn for the better

alli says:
Fri, 6th Jan 20126:53 pm 

I know what you're going through, I'm in the same boat too! The only difference in our story is our skin color, I'm white, but I don't really think it makes that much of a difference because all my life I have been the "undateable" friend. I too went to prom with friends who were in serious relationships and I was the only single person…awkward. I fall for the douchey guys and I have also heard the "just wait until you're older, they'll all be after you!" Well, they're not. I put myself together all the time, I mean I don't have a total dog face. It's just so hard because everyone around me has been dating their boyfriends for 1+ years and they try to talk to me about their problems and I just feel like they rub it in my face sometimes, but regardless, I feel your pain girl. May 2012 be our year to find some nice guys!

laurenkcampbell says:
Fri, 6th Jan 201210:06 pm 

With you guys too! 20 years old and not sure where they're supposed to come from.

Jessica says:
Fri, 6th Jan 201211:39 pm 

This makes me feel better seeing this article and reading the comments. It let’s me know that I’m not alone and to keep trying and not just give up.

anon says:
Fri, 6th Jan 201211:43 pm 

Same here. I know that regardless of color there are many women going through something similar, but let's face it — it is much more difficult for black women to find someone, or someone find them. People tell me that it will come, but because I have never "technically" had my first boyfriend, let alone kiss anyone, it is hard for me to accept this statement. Hopefully one day the right guy will come along for all of us single ladies!

Best of luck!

Molly says:
Sat, 7th Jan 20121:30 am 

I don't even know where to start… I know exactly how you feel! I'm turning 23 in a month and got together with my first boyfriend six months ago. This post has truly hit a soft spot with me so bear with me through this lengthy response!

Not having a boyfriend until I was 22 was a source of constant stress, sadness, and questioning my worth and beauty as a woman. Until I met C., the only guys I was meeting were ones looking for a quick hook up or ones who seemed interested for a second, then suddenly and inexplicably lost interest. How could I not blame myself for this trend?

I work out to stay in shape, feel good about the way I look most of the time, I am shy by nature but still sustain successful conversations with new people. So what was my problem? Why did everyone else around me seem to have all these boyfriends while I found myself hopelessly single? My go-to hook on which to hang all the blame is the fact I'm tall–6'2"–and my height and the fact that I'm poised and intelligent was just too much for these college boys to handle. When I wasn't blaming my height, I was blaming the fact that I'm very pale, and thought men preferred tanned girls. I felt like this huge Scandinavian freak who was unlovable for ever. When girls talked about boys and relationships as if it was a common, everyday occurrence, I would get angry that they though it was that easy. I got especially uncomfortable after a couple unsavory interactions in the local bar, during which two guys outwardly made fun of me for being tall (one called me "WNBA" and the other one was dared by his friends to talk to me as a joke… these are college aged people we're talking about).

Anyhow, after I graduated a year early, I moved to a small town two hours north to pursue a second bachelor's degree since I had changed my mind about what I wanted to do during my last year but my school didn't have the program I needed. I was convinced I would find a cool, laid-back, down to earth guy after I moved. I worked on my self-esteem and continued my exercise regime as a way to chase endorphins and feel good about myself. Still, nothing. While I still had my insecure and WHY?! moments, I was working on re-framing my mind to believe that love was possible, rather than imagining my future as always being single and lonely.

One summer weekend I was visiting home and went out to the bars near my old school with a girlfriend when a drunk guy came up to me and asked me to take a shot with him because it was his birthday (this is the same bar at which those two guys made fun of me two separate visits). An unconventional start, and something that logic would say would never lead to a real relationship, but he is really and awesome guy and is perfect for me in a lot of ways. And he never mentioned my height once until I brought it up.

The point of my essay might sound like something that everyone has told you–"it will happen when you least expect it!" but you should listen to me because I have been there. Didn't share my juice box with anyone in elementary school, didn't hold hands and kiss anyone in middle school, certainly didn't get pursued by bunches of boys in high school, and didn't even get to have a relationship in college.

It wasn't because I was too tall, too pale, or that my intelligence or sense of humor was unattractive. It was because I didn't find a guy worthy of me until I was 22. When I think of my boyfriend and then think of the guys that I've really liked in the past who have been entirely uninterested or have broken my heart, it's NO COMPARISON. When you find that special guy, Khalea, and YOU WILL, you will wonder why you liked those other guys when guys like this exist. You won't need him to feel good about yourself, but he will make you feel even better about yourself, even when he's not around. Once you meet him you might feel lost like you don't know how to handle the relationship's progression, but if you just be yourself, respond the way you think is right, if he's the right guy he'll respond positively.

You won't know when's he's coming until he's there. But do not give up on love. Coming from a girl who has panicked over the possibility of a lifetime of loneliness and cried plenty of tears, please do not give up. Just wait.

Wish I could have a cup of coffee with you and talk about this and reassure you for hours!

Daria says:
Sat, 7th Jan 20122:42 am 

woah same here. black, intelligent, 22 y.o. single woman…Hoping 2012 will be our year

princessmahina says:
Sat, 7th Jan 20122:46 am 

You're not the only one who never went to prom with a boyfriend- I went with a guy once (a cousin of my friends) and he was pretty hot…needless to say, I couldn't think of a thing to say and neither could he. We spent the entire evening in uncomfortable silence.

Nevertheless though, I think we (as in, most college age girls) are too young to consider ourselves "old maids" or "undateable".

KenniBakes says:
Sat, 7th Jan 20121:13 pm 

I am so glad I'm not the only one! We need to all have lunch and hook each other up with available friends.

karen says:
Sat, 7th Jan 20121:16 pm 

Im a latina 20 years old get hit by guys everywhere but I never had a boyfriend, men seem to be interested in me just for a one night stand and I will not agree to that ever i rather stay lonely for the rest of my life.

Maura - Rider University says:
Sat, 7th Jan 20121:28 pm 

It is a scary thought they put out there, that black women are least likely to be dateable for whatever reasons, but that's crap. You are beautiful, and I have seen some 400 lb black women with rainbow weaves walking around like they were dressed to go to the rodeo with men. If they can catch a guy you most certainly can!

I was a late bloomer too (a little earlier then you, I didn't get a boyfriend til I was seventeen) and it wasn't because I was undateable. I was a little shy and not super outgoing. Guys that came after me weren't my type, so I kind of just waited. I found a great guy who was a little slow (didn't realize I had been flirting with him for the longest time!) and I made some of the first moves. It worked out great, and we have been dating for over a year and a half.

You just need to look for confidence in yourself, and then when you see an opportunity, go for it! I'm not saying come on strong, but don't be afraid to flirt or ask for a number. I found a guy who I was really comfortable with, and you should look for that. I had a hard time talking to other guys, but when I met him it was so natural and easy. When you find someone who is easy to talk to, don't let him slip away!

And honestly, you may be in the best situation. A lot of girls who I went to high school with are in crazy relationships that leave them in fights and tears every week, or have just gotten pregnant. You are at the age where it is so important to work toward your goals. You have no one to distract you from that. Sometimes I wish ideas of fairytale romance didn't cloud my other ideas of getting a successful job (because really, if you had the option to be swept off your feet and treated like a princess instead of working all day, what would you pick?)

Thanks for sharing this part of your life, and I'm looking forward to reading more!

Mol says:
Sat, 7th Jan 20122:29 pm 

Hi Khalea. I know exactly how you're feeling! I was pretty shy and really nervous around boys growing up. In middle school and high school I had horrible acne and had very little confidence in my appearance. I focused all of my time and energy on studying and sports. Thinking about my appearance would only make me really sad. I just told myself that I'd grow out of my acne. In the end of high school my skin cleared, and I was really comfortable with my appearance going into college…and yet it still wasn't happening. Even though boys would approach me at parties I was still too shy to put myself out there. I think I had built everything up too much. I didn't know how to talk to boys without clamming up, let alone flirt. I would just get nervous and act too seriously and put off a vibe to boys that I wasn't interested. I also didn't want to just randomly have my first kiss at a party with some random boy. I guess I'm something of a romantic. Always thought a wonderful boy would see me as special and beautiful and want to be with me. Without alcohol, at class or in the dorm. It's so silly though now thinking about it though. Everyone in the beginning of college just wanted to have a good time. And boys who may have been interested in dating may have been to shy to approach a girl.
Anyways, I ended up almost dating a guy freshmen year that I really liked. He was smart and incredibly attractive, and it's funny how I literally thought "wow, if he's interested I have to be prettier than I think I am". So ridiculous. But, after hanging out for a month or so he decided to get back with his ex. Whamo confidence killer. I reverted right back into focusing on athletics and studying, exercising 2 hours a day and trying to get a 4.0. Today I'm so mad at myself for having so little fun for the months after that. Why did I let one boy's opinion of me matter so much?

So anyways, I wish I could go back to college knowing what I know now, and stop stressing so much about what guys think of me, and why they're not interested in me. I wish I just had fun, and approached a guy when I thought he was cute and risked rejection. I don't know what I was so afraid of. I ended up dating someone towards the end of college and only because we were best friends and it turned into something more. It really was one of those things that "just happened" and I'm really happy he's in my life. BUT, I still wish I would have risked more before we started dating!

I know this was a rant and probably didn't help you in any way, but maybe try to set a few goals for yourself. LIke, if I like him I WILL make sure he knows how I feel. Or, I WILL talk to that guy I think is cute this weekend. Anyway, good luck to you! I'm sure it will happen, but don't wait for it as if life isn't great in the meantime!

Maya - howard says:
Sat, 7th Jan 20122:33 pm 

You're beautiful Khalea, inside & out. What is meant to be will be, and the time will come when it's right. You are on such an amazing path right now, don't let that bring you down. (boys are really distracting anyway :O ) Any guy would be SO LUCKY to have you. <33333

Alyssa says:
Sat, 7th Jan 20123:17 pm 

Oh my gosh, I completely relate. I'm also a 21-year old black female, and I was never kissed until college and didn't have my first real boyfriend until 20. I honestly think that it ALL comes down to confidence. I will admit that I tend to be attracted to white guys, and I had heard the mantra of black women being perceived as unattractive, ESPECIALLY to men outside of their race, sooooo many times that I had lost all hope of ever attracting anyone. I really, truly believed the idea that black women are undateable and the least desired, which really affected my self-esteem. But sophomore year, I started really dedicating myself to going to the gym and increasing my confidence and how I felt about my appearance. 6 months later, guys who I NEVER thought would be attracted to me were pursuing me, and I finally let go of the notion that there were people out there who I wasn't good enough for simply on the basis of being an "undateable black female." And now I've been in a relationship for over a year, and I swear that your confidence makes all the difference. So despite whatever the abc dating special said, don't subscribe to the notion that as a black woman you are undateable or that you have a dating disadvantage! Whether or not there's actually a hint of truth to that idea, BELIEVING that it's true automatically renders you even further disadvantaged. Have confidence that you'll find someone and in time, you will.

bbb says:
Sat, 7th Jan 20126:15 pm 

well girls let me tell you smthing: most of the times it's just our fault we don't make it to the right guy. I've never had a real bf till I was 20. guess what? I was normal, a bit of pretty, a bit of intelegent, a bit of everything just like any other girl. I kept asking myself why am I not able to get smone until I started dating this awsome guy, the first GOOD guy that I actually liked. Up till then I was only being attracted to jerks, good-looking ones, you know I have this thing for good-looking, and let's face it, most of the time handsome guys are total assholes. I wasn't even realizing that the problem wasn't about me, it was all about them

bbb says:
Sat, 7th Jan 20126:16 pm 

well girls let me tell you smthing: most of the times it's just our fault we don't make it to the right guy. I've never had a real bf till I was 20. guess what? I was normal, a bit of pretty, a bit of intelegent, a bit of everything just like any other girl. I kept asking myself why am I not able to get smone until I started dating this awsome guy, the first GOOD guy that I actually liked. Up till then I was only being attracted to jerks, good-looking ones, you know I have this thing for good-looking, and let's face it, most of the time handsome guys are total assholes. I wasn't even realizing that the problem wasn't about me, it was all about them; I would fall for the bad ones and friendzone the good ones, until i met this totally good looking guy which happened by chance to be also a good, nice one; I was just lucky to find him; then it hit me: all I needed was a good guy, not a justin timberlake, not a pop star, just a GOOD simple guy, which I would friendzone everytime I meet, without even giving them a chance to know them. I kinda found my healing; so my point is that any of us have that problem of attitude, you just go for the wrong guys, like me. and it takes you to suddenly find the right guy or to realize before that you're just going for the wrong thing

Anna says:
Sat, 7th Jan 20127:03 pm 

I love this post…it describes me almost perfectly. I'm turning 23 in three months and graduating this fall….well i'm 80% sure i am. Most of the time up until now when I'm around guys they don't notice me and i've always felt super awkward around guys in general.

I think it all starts from high school when i liked one guy for 4 years only to have him break my heart ….i liked him because he always told me i was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen…cheesy i know but no one else ever noticed me like that in high school.

Also a guy i really liked was killed in a car accident my junior year of high school…he was so sweet. The day he died he was going to come to school and give me a dozen roses…still i think of him a lot and am glad he made me feel great despite the short time i knew him.

I can honestly say i don't feel the need to be dating just for the sake of dating although my grandma is already hinting at wanting grandchildren and i just tell her I'm more concerned with school now. I at not shy but i have an irrational fear that when people look at me they are thinking bad stuff.

i am self conscious about my body a lot. I have a butt and hips and its taken a long time to realize that lol! I know i am pretty it's just working on seeing it and not thinking for example my brown eyes are boring. Going to a high school with a big Hispanic population has kind of made me think i'm not unique looking , although being Puerto Rician is something i've always been proud of.

saychelle says:
Sat, 7th Jan 20128:18 pm 

Do not succomb to others' small mindedness about who is dateable or not. I seen the ABC special and the panel they had on the show did not represent me, they represented themselves. I have never met anyone who did that study or was a subject so this could be all made up. Enjoy your life. I am 43yrs old, have traveled by myself, dinner by myself, events by myself and it all added up to me making new friends and a few interested in taking the friendship further. I work 40+hrs a week, have a daughter in college and plan on obtaining my Masters plus hang with my friends and do my own thing. Does a man even fit into all of this? Lol Don't get it twisted I am asked out to dinners, shows, movies, long walks etc but I am one that likes to invest time and energy in my relationship and not half step with it. So ladies keep your heads up for God is always looking down.

saychelle says:
Sat, 7th Jan 20128:18 pm 

Stop watching the reality shows and create your own, stop reading mags and write your own story and thank the haters for their motivation. Men come in all shapes, sizes, colors and ages. If you don't get one at 23, there will be one who is 23 getting you at 38 and you will have earned that cougar title lol. I'm loving it:) Have fun, if you were to die today, is that the last thing you want someone to say that you worried about not finding a boyfriend or you were the life of the party, lived it to the fullest and when I grow up I hope to follow in her shoes!
Hey, let's pick a date, time and place and form our own club and call it Women On the Move.

saychelle says:
Sat, 7th Jan 20128:25 pm 

Ladies, have faith and have God. There is a reason and a season for everything. Accept and embrace who you are and where you are in your life. Would you date and marry yourself? That is the question you need to ask yourself. You may need to work on yourself-develop your talents, interests, hobbies, etc. Step outside the box-don't like sports pick one you can tolerate and be a participate or spectator, men are always part of the crowd; learn how to fix something in the house, pick one thing, men are always at Home Depot; there are car shows and boat shows, aahh men's toys; sign up to receive info on events that are sponored by frats who have graduate, F.O.P. fundraisers or political galas even if you have to volunteer.

Sallie says:
Sat, 7th Jan 201210:28 pm 

I can relate even though I'm asian. I'm 19, and just feel like these are my "prime" years of being carefree and in a relationship. But have yet to find a guy worthy of a relationship, not that i'm picky. guys are attracted to my in ways where they just want to be my friend and that seems to be it. i don't want to sound desperate, but let's let 2012 be the year we find true love !

howtofindaguy says:
Sun, 8th Jan 201210:58 am 

I can somewhat relate. I've had guys who were 'interested in me' (read: a hookup) and would ask me on a couple of dates and I would get the wrong vibe from them. But in 2012, I'm making it happen. I don't mean that I'm going to force a relationship but I'm going to change the bad dating habits I've had in the past. My entire goal isn't to get a boyfriend, but it's to meet a lot of new friends, find out what I really want, and if I find a boyfriend, well that's a little bonus … The best way to get a guy is to just be friendly to everybody and give every guy a chance. Date outside your type, experiment, don't shoot anybody down right away and to just love your life, single or taken!

Acnaib says:
Mon, 9th Jan 20121:25 am 

Wow is all I can say. It's a bitter sweet comfort knowing there are more people out there like myself. I say bitter sweet because I KNOW the emotional pain you guys have gone through. I too am just turning 21 this month and have yet to be in a relationship, have a first kiss, heck even really just be "talking" to a guy. Even my younger sister has sprints far ahead of me in these categories. My family is pretty much perfect and I admit for the most part I fit in as far as looks, esteem, intelligence, and down to earth personalities but all this being said I've yet to meet someone that wants to be in a relationship with me and me back with them.

A huge issue I've had for the longest is the age difference between my sisters and I. One is a year younger and she's just the cutest thing ever so I feel like pretty much any guy younger up to a year or two older than me is definitely going to be more interested in her and my gorgeous older sister is three years older than me so any guy a year or two younger/plus everyone older than her is definitely going to want to pursue her initially (and i would NEVER talk to a guy I know is interested in one of my sisters). Literally when we go out we're the most bomb girls in any room. And did I mention they both have the most AMAZING extrovertive personalities in the frikking world (fml) so there's absolutely no reason a guy shouldn't like them. So anywho, this surely leaves me out in the cold and I can't seem to meet anyone outside of the people they know because my sister's are my best friends so I hang with the people they hang with and I don't have many friends myself (maybe 2 or 3) outside of them.

Also my family plays a huge part in the type of guy I would date. They've set extremely high standards for the type of guy that I should be involved with because of the guys they bring home. And it's SO hard because I'm extremely introverted and I believe that a man is supposed to pursue the woman. Although everyone says I'm a shy person I don't consider myself shy because if someone takes the time out to engage in a conversation with me I'll talk back! It's just women these days are so aggressive and are all competing to have the best personality in the room- that's just not me so I fall back and so far this has gotten me nowhere. So my dilemma is what do I do- change my beliefs and the way I am in order to open more doors (which I wouldn't even know where to begin with this approach) OR remain the way I am and wait for someone to put in the time (so I know their actions are genuine)? It really sucks super bad.

In conclusion, as time passes I feel like more and more emotional baggage is building up for my future guy to have to deal with when I'm supposed to be this pure women free of baggage because there hasn't been anyone in my life to break my heart or what have you. I'm sure this won't change anything anytime soon but all in all it was nice finally getting this off my chest and this was a GREAT article!! (And I totally agree we should all meet up and do lunch lol)

Acnaib says:
Mon, 9th Jan 20121:31 am 

uh that first paragraph = SCARY!! My life exactly, except I'm now a junior and still no luck. And college is almost over for me I really want to open up, get wild, and have fun like a true college experience..just so hard with my personality.

Lena says:
Tue, 10th Jan 201210:22 am 

Yeah, same here. Black, single, educated, female, 20 yrs old. Never been kissed, forget a boyfriend. I believe y'all about the confidence and I'm going to try my best. Thanks for the support. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy.

kyu216 says:
Wed, 11th Jan 201210:06 pm 

You guys are the coolest <3. Thank you for all of the sweet and helpful comments.