Ask A Dude: Is He Settling For Me?
I have known this guy for six years now and we dated for the first four. We stopped talking to each other after we broke up and we didn’t see each other for almost two years. The break up was just because we grew apart and were going in different directions in our lives (at the time). Other than that, we had a pretty good relationship.
Recently, we reconnected at a mutual friend’s party and we started dating again. The first couple of weeks were cool because all those old feelings we had for each other started coming back, and we were really passionate with each other. Then he lets me know that there’s this girl he’s been friends with for the two years we weren’t together and he has feelings for her…but also has feelings for me. However, this girl’s basically friend-zoned the sh*t out of him. She’s one of those “attention-whores.” She leads guys on and never takes them seriously. This is something he’s also realized himself.
So after this, I’ll be honest, I was kind of hurt, but I told him I was cool with it. We weren’t in a relationship or anything, so there wasn’t anything I could b*tch about.
Lately, our sex life’s been pretty much dead. I’m a very sexual person and not a selfish lover, so I basically throw myself at the guy and he makes excuses or just “isn’t all there” during sex, rendering it pointless.
I don’t know what to do. I love him. I never stopped loving him. But now, I’m feeling like he’s not reciprocating. Where do I go from here?
Thanks so much,
To quote Xena when she rescued Hercules from a mob that was beating him after believing he killed his wife, “the time when we could be together has past.” Devastating to fandom everywhere but unfortunately applicable to your situation.
The bottom line is that he says he cares about you, and I’m sure he does care about you, but there’s another woman. Right now you’re in a position where you’re at the whim of his choice, well, her choice in fact. If this other girl were to give him a chance, would he bail on you? That’s the question you’ve got to ask yourself. Because, to an extent, it sounds like he’s settling for you. He just doesn’t sound ready to be with you and may never be. So, what can you do?
First, you absolutely can b*tch about this. In fact, you might need to. Do you have a relationship claim? No. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt and if you’re in pain you’ve got the right to express that pain (just don’t commit a felony in how you choose to unleash it).
Second, you can make a decision: fight or flight. To fight would mean to sit him down and tell him what you want. Flight involves you cutting your losses. Of course, recon is a third option…
Wait and see. You can always keep things as they are and react accordingly. That’s also a recipe for getting your heart pureed. Still, it’s an option. If you’re patient enough to see how things play out a bit then by all means go for it. The fact you’re writing in leads me to believe you’re reaching your make-it or break-it point. And why the Hell not?
He’s down in the dumps over another woman and you’re caught in the wake of his being rejected. Where he’s at emotionally and mentally is not where you’re at. You’ve either got to find a page you both can get on or start reading another book. Things have shifted in the two years you’ve been apart and you’ve got to shift with them. Don’t let his indecision and baggage bog you down into something that has the potential to lop you off at the weak knees.
Rolling with the motion of the ocean,
I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.