Sexy Time: Selflessness Is Overrated
By Jasmine R.
I know, giving is just as important as receiving. Sex is about all parties involved, and I absolutely believe that no one should feel deprived of pleasure after a hook up. But everyone has their limits, their deal breakers, their things that they’re just not that into. And I think it’s just as important to acknowledge that, and to a) accept it or b) move on to the next.
I have a friend whose boyfriend is into anal. Not in an annoying, begs for it nonstop kind of way (he never even initiates it), but it is something that he enjoys doing. So she consents to it. They use lube and start slow and are generally pretty responsible about it, but it’s not her cup of tea. She finds it pretty excruciating, only derives a nominal amount of pleasure from it, and doesn’t feel great after the fact. But she has made it a resolution to get better and try to enjoy it more, for her boyfriend’s sake. Perhaps I’m more selfish than I like to think I am, but I cannot jump on board with her resolution because it seems to me she has perfectly valid reasons to not want to engage in anal, and I fail to see the point in coercing herself into enjoying it more than she does.
While being in a relationship is a great opportunity to explore and challenge personal boundaries, I don’t think it’s okay to ignore the signals your mind or your body are sending to you. There are varying degrees of compromise, and it’s completely okay to draw a permanent line in the sand at something you don’t like. I think it’s incredibly rare that two people’s desires are going to align at every single axis, and there’s nothing wrong with this. When I give my boyfriend blowies, he likes to ejaculate on himself so I can lick it off. I find that annoying and inefficient, so most of the time, I swallow directly and he’s content with it, but sometimes I’ll indulge him. But if I had a complete, visceral, averse reaction ejaculation, I would not make contact with his at all.
The worst case scenario with setting firm boundaries is reaching the conclusion that you are not sexually compatible with your partner, which may unfortunately result in a breakup (but that would mean finding someone better suited for you in the long run). But, if there is something one partner absolutely hates, and the other can take or leave, there is no reason that should end with any real conflict. Discomfort is not sexy, so don’t be afraid to say no.