Sexy Time: Selflessness Is Overrated

January 12, 2012 9:30 am     Posted in Relationships, Sex  Jasmine R. g+ page


By Jasmine R.

I know, giving is just as important as receiving. Sex is about all parties involved, and I absolutely believe that no one should feel deprived of pleasure after a hook up. But everyone has their limits, their deal breakers, their things that they’re just not that into. And I think it’s just as important to acknowledge that, and to a) accept it or b) move on to the next.

I have a friend whose boyfriend is into anal. Not in an annoying, begs for it nonstop kind of way (he never even initiates it), but it is something that he enjoys doing. So she consents to it. They use lube and start slow and are generally pretty responsible about it, but it’s not her cup of tea. She finds it pretty excruciating, only derives a nominal amount of pleasure from it, and doesn’t feel great after the fact. But she has made it a resolution to get better and try to enjoy it more, for her boyfriend’s sake. Perhaps I’m more selfish than I like to think I am, but  I cannot jump on board with her resolution because it seems to me she has perfectly valid reasons to not want to engage in anal, and I fail to see the point in coercing herself into enjoying it more than she does.

While being in a relationship is a great opportunity to explore and challenge personal boundaries, I don’t think it’s okay to ignore the signals your mind or your body are sending to you. There are varying degrees of compromise, and it’s completely okay to draw a permanent line in the sand at something you don’t like. I think it’s incredibly rare that two people’s desires are going to align at every single axis, and there’s nothing wrong with this.  When I give my boyfriend blowies, he likes to ejaculate on himself so I can lick it off. I find that annoying and inefficient, so most of the time, I swallow directly and he’s content with it, but sometimes I’ll indulge him. But if I had a complete, visceral, averse reaction ejaculation, I would not make contact with his at all.

The worst case scenario with setting firm boundaries is reaching the conclusion that you are not sexually compatible with your partner, which may unfortunately result in a breakup (but that would mean finding someone better suited for you in the long run). But, if there is something one partner absolutely hates, and the other can take or leave, there is no reason that should end with any real conflict. Discomfort is not sexy, so don’t be afraid to say no.

16 Comments on "Sexy Time: Selflessness Is Overrated"

  1. Becca says:
    Thu, 12th Jan 201212:15 pm 

    OMG excruciating is never a word that should be used in reference to sex.

  2. Hannah says:
    Thu, 12th Jan 20121:20 pm 

    Tell him he can only stick something up huge your butt if you can stick something huge up his.

  3. editor says:
    Thu, 12th Jan 20125:31 pm 

    Hahaha. Right to the point, love it!

  4. Cora says:
    Fri, 13th Jan 201211:49 am 

    I think way too often, women feel like they need to compromise for guys. How many of your friends have given guys head even though they hate it?

  5. Bob says:
    Sat, 14th Jan 20121:05 pm 

    That’s fine Cora. Stop giving head.

  6. john says:
    Sat, 14th Jan 20122:43 pm 

    i once knew a cora that wouldnt stop giving head.

  7. Jeff says:
    Sun, 15th Jan 20126:01 am 

    I think this post is right on the money. Sex is something for you and your partner to explore and enjoy together. If you try something and it isn't enjoyable for both, it's not worth it. I really enjoy pleasing my partner and will do somethings that aren't pleasurable for me in a physical sense but knowing that she likes it turns me on. If I don't get turned on by it, I let her know. I expect the same from her. If you're paying attention, you already know when your partner doesn't enjoy the activity.

  8. Jack says:
    Sun, 15th Jan 201210:30 am 

    Girls don't need to do sh*t for boys. If they like it they do have to do it, and if they don't like something the boy better just deal with it. Guys watch way to much porn I'd say. What's the deal with girls just lying there even though they don't want to have sex just because the boy needs to "release"? I mean wtf! Who cares if you need to release? Don't be a b*tch about it, grow up and you can "release" when you're both horny. Or seriously just go do it yourself. Guys are such wimps sometimes, gosh.

  9. Elliot says:
    Sun, 15th Jan 20122:15 pm 

    You're a f*cking idiot Jack, and you're not fooling anyone, you're a d*mn girl under a guys name "gosh" lol hahaha

    And by the way, why does a man have to be ready when a b*tch feels wet, but not the other way around? That's not equal rights, that's double standards. If a guy tells a girl "No" she'll spring up on the internet, and make a thread about how her husband doesn't love her anymore, and is probably cheating, and which is why she slept with 10 guys.

    So why don't you women just stfu, and if you love your boyfriend, then lay there and give it up to him if he wants it, I can never recall a time where I've turned any of my women down, so why should they turn me down? I bet you're the kind of women who says "I want equality" but then hits men and says "don't hit me, IM A GURL" f*cking b*tch

  10. isaac says:
    Sun, 15th Jan 201211:18 pm 

    you took the words right out of my mouth some girls are hypocrites

  11. guest says:
    Wed, 18th Jan 20123:39 pm 

    people like you are the reason men cheat on women

  12. guest says:
    Wed, 18th Jan 20123:41 pm 

    hell yea ^^^^

  13. Unknown says:
    Wed, 18th Jan 20125:32 pm 

    lol funny replies but very sad tho but there's some truth to this, I'd say we all just blame on the easy acess of porn.. Making some guys uncontrolably horny to the point of not being able to function in a relationship properly by TODAY's MODERN STANDARDS. If you can't control ur shit ur nothing but a punk a$$ B!tch crying for attention. Baby needs his bottle awww.. Wait no… what you want is that tit to suck on that's what yor really want.. LOL but let's flip this back Oh 100-200 years ago you could probably have 2, 3 wives, or a wife and mistress easy. If one wasn't giving it up the other would, there are more women than men anyway soo…. Its a sad world we live in today. lol

    I like this topic :)

  14. martin says:
    Thu, 19th Jan 20124:14 pm 

    On the money i think Elliot, jack your a joke!!

    Would be so nice to actually read an article like this, that wasn’t written by some man hater!….you have the perfect platform to educate and change, the attitudes of so many. Instead turn it into another dear diary, why cant he be the way i want him to be… women are too quick too banish men to a.. your never getting that sort of world!! if you want, need or fantasize about something and told you cant have it!! on the basis that your partner doesn’t like it or isn’t in the mood, ever then what you’d be better off dead or in jail…..don’t dare ever try to live out your desires guys or your gonna get shit on, from a dizzy height.

  15. govvbnal says:
    Fri, 17th Feb 20123:39 pm 

    nhavine

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