He Said/She Said: Male Stereotypes That Are More Fact Than Fiction

By Raquel

As evolved and politically correct as we like to think we are, the fact remains that stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. Sure, many stereotypes are outdated, sexist and downright silly, but there are a few stereotypes that still hold truth. Deny it though they might, most men are guilty of the following…

They suck at texting.

Either they don’t text back, or they do…a week later. Or you’ll get an annoyingly succinct answer that does nothing to carry the conversation, such as ‘k’. Gentlemen, a single letter does not constitute a meaningful reply. How am I meant to read volumes into a single letter? When you replied to my ‘I’ll see you tomorrow’ with a ‘k’… what did that even mean? Are you looking forward to seeing me tomorrow? Is seeing me tomorrow a potential blight on your otherwise awesome day? Hell, even a ‘k ‘ would placate me. Meanwhile, I’m writing a novella for each text, carrying the conversation and feeling really damn annoying for doing so.

They don’t talk about their feelings.

Men are emotionally inarticulate. While a woman can enumerate her woes and describe the barely tangible difference between the multiple layers of despair we feel on a regular basis, men seem to be barely capable of muttering “I’m just a bit pissed off, okay?” Instead, they withdraw emotionally and negotiate their woes in the deep, dark recesses of their minds. This is infuriating for women, who want to know what’s wrong so that they can talk about it. Mutual incomprehension makes no one happy, so don’t even try. Perhaps it’s best to just let men stew in sullen silence for a while until they get over it.

They are obsessed with the size of their penis.

How does it compare to your ex? Was he bigger than me? What about [random guy you slept with]? Is mine big enough? I just think it’s too small… Look, get the hell over it; I don’t really care. It’s not the size, it’s how you use it. I have encountered penises of many sizes, and the biggest was not the best. It’s all in the technique. Anyway, you’re just being paranoid, your penis is perfectly normal. Trust me.

Deep down, they don’t want a girlfriend, they want a replacement mother.

Boys want a girlfriend who will cook and clean for them, organise their lives and buy their shoes and shirts. Oh alright, their are a few wildly radical men who will take charge of these things on their own, but the stereotypical grown-up man-child is a stereotype for a reason. Sometimes, men seem as helpless as babes in the woods when confronted by insurmountable tasks such as cleaning a bathroom. They’d much rather a woman take charge of these scary necessities, just like their mothers’ did.

They love boobs.

Maybe it’s oedipal, but hey, I don’t blame you. Boobs are amazing. Obsess all you like.

They find toilet humour amusing.

Farts, poo, piss and semen. Wildly, wildly hilarious… if you have a Y chromosome, that is. Oh I won’t deny that I’ll giggle at off-colour jokes as much as the next person, but some ‘humour’ is inescapably disgusting and not remotely funny.

They all think they’re funny.

I know you think you’re hilarious, but not everyone can be Billy Connolly/Ricky Gervais/Jimmy Carr and, frankly, not everyone should even try to be them. Engage in some self-reflection — are you The Funny Guy, or are you The Annoying Guy Who Thinks He’s Funny But Really Isn’t?

They just don’t get women.

As a wise man once said ‘bitches be crazy’. Yeah, we are crazy, we own that, but that’s just how it is. It’s okay, you don’t actually need to understand women, because you are likewise incomprehensible to us. Women just don’t get men, either. Mars and Venus and all that jazz. But isn’t that part of what makes it all so much fun? Right?

Want to see what He Says are the most accurate stereotypes about women? Check it out on COEDMagazine.com!

Raquel is a Wellingtonian and an Art History graduate. When she’s not studying to be a teacher, she’s downing coffee and reading the autobiographies of people much more amazing than her. You can follow her on twitter @raquel_marty.