This is Why I De-Friended You

Dear Former Facebook Friend,

How is everything? I don’t know anything about your life anymore because I’m not getting constant updates on my phone and computer. We can still be friends in real life though!

I’m sorry I had to cut you out of my friends list. I think it’s really awesome that even though you had an exam at 7:30 this morning, you still went out last night and had the time of your life (I assume from the pictures you posted). I stayed in studying for the exam all night, and I just can’t bear to see your status next week telling the whole internet you got an A+ when I got a C. Hearing how smart you are and how much of a social life you have makes me want to drop out of school and be a telephone operator.

I’m also really glad that you have a super hot boyfriend and an amazing family who sends you care packages filled with money and candy every week (It’s so cool that you can eat all that candy and be a size 00!), but sometimes reading about all of your happiness makes me want drown the both of us.  So for both of our safety, I just had to de-friend you.

I bet your family is so proud that you’re only a sophomore and you already have a job lined up at a Fortune 500 company after graduation. That’s really cool! My parents haven’t changed my old room into an office yet because they know I’ll probably be moving back in after graduation. So I had to delete you before next summer when I’m in my old room listening to the Spice Girls, and you’re in a big city changing your work info every week because you just keep getting promoted.

I would wish you well, but it seems like you’re already doing amazing!



(image source: Shutterstock / Jason Stitt)


  1. utsaalumni says:

    pity party for one please

  2. Joyce says:

    Now I know why so many people from when I was in middle school had de-friended me…

    1. Joyce says:

      They all are single mothers with plenty of baby daddies, while I learned how to put condoms on.

  3. Amanda says:

    I defriend people when they constantly update their status with personal problems. The fact that they can't afford Christmas presents for their children or expect sympathy when they can't fix their car because they spend all of their money going out to eat and clubbing are reasons why I refuse to read their stupid updates. As far as chicks that post about positive and somewhat shameless bragging, it brings out the competitive side of me. It makes me want to do better because if they can do great, why can't I?

  4. chicawithideas says:

    So funny!

  5. @BeauCapone says:

    I miss when Facebook was closer to reality now it just feels like everyone has succumbed to one-upmanship. This doesn't make me want to delete one person off FB, I want to delete my whole account. The truth is that we all have our bad times and we all suffer but it's almost as though on FB it doesn't exist. We're forced to be so competitive all the time, looking for work, finding love even using eBay. In a private space like you're own home it would be nice to see the real people rather then being subjected to their lies. Eurgh.
    I'm just so glad I didn't have FB in my teens!

  6. Danielle says:

    Cry me a fucking river

  7. […] Why I Defriended You, in list form. Read it before you electronically socially isolate yourself! (College Candy) […]

  8. amy says:

    Joyce, that’s a lie. They hate you because you are a self centered bitch.

  9. @poisonedKoola says:

    you sound like you’re a lot of fun at parties

  10. 44jeaux says:

    Damn!!!! What jealous ass bitch!!! She needed to defined your jealous loser ass a long time ago.Don't hate the playa,hate the game…….

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