Dear Former Facebook Friend,
How is everything? I don’t know anything about your life anymore because I’m not getting constant updates on my phone and computer. We can still be friends in real life though!
I’m sorry I had to cut you out of my friends list. I think it’s really awesome that even though you had an exam at 7:30 this morning, you still went out last night and had the time of your life (I assume from the pictures you posted). I stayed in studying for the exam all night, and I just can’t bear to see your status next week telling the whole internet you got an A+ when I got a C. Hearing how smart you are and how much of a social life you have makes me want to drop out of school and be a telephone operator.
I’m also really glad that you have a super hot boyfriend and an amazing family who sends you care packages filled with money and candy every week (It’s so cool that you can eat all that candy and be a size 00!), but sometimes reading about all of your happiness makes me want drown the both of us. So for both of our safety, I just had to de-friend you.
I bet your family is so proud that you’re only a sophomore and you already have a job lined up at a Fortune 500 company after graduation. That’s really cool! My parents haven’t changed my old room into an office yet because they know I’ll probably be moving back in after graduation. So I had to delete you before next summer when I’m in my old room listening to the Spice Girls, and you’re in a big city changing your work info every week because you just keep getting promoted.
I would wish you well, but it seems like you’re already doing amazing!