Maxim Says the Darndest Things: February Edition

By Molly Mahannah

This months Maxim headlines are quite the gems if you’re looking for a few laughs, which is appropriate because funny-girl Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock is on the cover. I used to really like her too – such is life.  I’m pretty sure Tina Fey would never appear in Maxim. My favorite headlines are, and no I’m not joking, “Is Everything Better With a Monkey?” “We Go Camping at Occupy Wall Street!” and “Women Who Want to Use You For Sex (and Where to Meet Them).” February is also a bonus month for our favorite men’s magazine, it comes with a “Hometown Hotties” insert in Maxim Lingerie talking about their favorite things to wear during sexy time.

Apparently, every month Maxim has a column called “The Helpful Hottie,” where their Maximum Exposure host April Rose tries to answer burning questions about women and sex, and gives stellar advice.  One man writes in about his fear of sex in public, even though his girlfriend is just wild about it. April’s advice? Spending a night in jail is worth the nookie – it’s a “badge of honor.” April, is it still a badge of honor when the creepy guys in jail try to make you their bitch for the night? Then you get two rounds of public sex!

In Katrina’s story the writers at Maxim ask her some hard-hitting questions. For example, “You went to Catholic school. Did you dress like Britney in ‘…Baby One More Time’?” Are you kidding, Maxim? I have no words, like…I can’t even. Luckily Katrina’s answer is a lot more polite than mine would have been. She stated that they had the kilts and socks, but the outfits “were not as cute as Britney’s.” Well no crap! If all Catholic schoolgirls dressed like BSpears there would be zero men in the public school system.

In the Maxim Lingerie – “Hometown Hotties” insert, the women sound really smart when describing their favorite types of lingerie.

Maxim’s Aja from HI says: “Lingerie matters when it comes to putting on a bedroom striptease. A sexy pair of panties can make all the difference.”

Molly says: The word “panties” is not my first choice in describing my underwear because I think it sounds weird and, like, really creepy, but besides that – have you ever seriously tried to strip for someone? It’s SO awkward, no pair of magic panties will make it less awkward.

Maxim’s Lindsey from IL says: “I love garters, stockings, high heels, the whole nine yards. I like to go all out.”

Molly says: So…do you change into clothes just to take them off? Because that seems like a time waster.

Maxim’s Britney from GA says: “Playing dress-up with sexy lingerie can definitely bring the heat back to the bedroom.”

Molly says: If you need to bring heat into the bedroom in your early twenties, you’re doing something wrong, you’re twenty – you can pretty much get away with anything.