Sexy Time: V Is For Virginity

February 2, 2012 9:30 am     Posted in Relationships, Sex  Jasmine R. g+ page


By Jasmine R.

Our society’s discourse on sex in incredibly reckless.

From an American perspective, the rhetoric is either, “Sex is awesome, and if you’re not having it, your life fails to have any meaning” or “If you’re having sex, you’re a dirty heathen who deserves to burn in eternal damnation.” This is so dysfunctional, and I really feel it does more harm than good. Many of my columns have taken a very actively sex-positive slant, encouraging safe, consensual, fun, enjoyable sex — which of course I will forever support. However, sometimes I think it’s far more interesting to think about the reasons people abstain from sex.

As I’ve mentioned before, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 22, almost a year after I graduated from college. Many of my friends also remained virgins throughout their entire college tenure. None of us were prudes – we all enjoyed steamy makeout sessions and poor lapses in judgment just like our friends who were fully indulging in coitus. None of us were remotely religious, and we didn’t engage in slut shaming. There were definitely times in my college experience where, had I chosen to, I could have just done it and crossed “losing my virginity” off the list. And yet, I was never comfortable enough to go for it. I didn’t buy into the idea that losing my virginity was supposed to be a supremely remarkable experience, complete with fireworks, rose petals and dubious in-the-moment declarations of love. However, I knew that I wanted it to be with someone I placed a modicum of trust in, and more importantly, I wanted to be confident that I could make it through the experience unscathed and still comfortable with myself – after my first kiss, I was so anxious that I couldn’t even go to sleep that night. I was overwhelmed with nausea, I couldn’t stop shaking and I felt like I had given away a part of myself to someone who didn’t appreciate it. All of that was following only some kissing and boob action, so of course I was extremely hesitant to bring penetration into the mix. That hangup aside, I was pretty content doing almost anything that didn’t involve a P near my V or my A.

By my senior year of college, I was idly starting to worry. I mean, it seemed pretty strange to leave college still clinging to my virginity, and I was kind of concerned that guys in the future would pick up on my lack of experience and think I was damaged goods (no, I wasn’t evolved enough to realize that a guy like that is not someone I should be interested in banging anyway). I’m really glad I didn’t bow to any external or internal pressure to swipe my v-card just to get it over with, but it worries me to think of how many women (and men) end up having sex way before they’re ready just because of some arbitrary social expectation that they should. Yes, sex is a great thing, but it is also incredibly personal. We all (to be totally cheeseball) blossom at different times, and I wish that virginity wasn’t as stigmatized as it is. Some people are pretty content with being virgins while still leading enjoyable, fun, robust lives (intimate and otherwise), so can we put a moratorium on policing other people’s sexy times?

[Image via Kamira/Shutterstock]

21 Comments on "Sexy Time: V Is For Virginity"

  1. Maura - Rider University says:
    Thu, 2nd Feb 201210:58 am 

    I agree, obviously sex is a personal thing and no one has the right to judge someone else on when they have it, how often they have it, or who they have it with, or not at all!

    I understand the feeling like you are giving something away though, and I don't think a lot of girls realize that. You give another person a piece of you when you have any sexual contact, and if they abuse your trust and 'gift', you are often left feeling worthless or hurt. My best advice is no rush, and choose your partner carefully.

  2. Anonymous says:
    Thu, 2nd Feb 201212:46 pm 

    Thanks so much for writing this! I'm 22 and a senior and a virgin. So this topic has been on my mind a lot lately and I've been worried that I'll probably graduate a virgin. It's nice knowing that other people have done the same and I do wish the stigma just disappeared. I'm not a prude I just haven't been in a real relationship yet.

  3. katie says:
    Thu, 2nd Feb 20121:03 pm 

    I have always known I wanted my first time to be special. Not int he sense that it had to be spectacular, but like you mentioned someone who I trusted and felt secure with. My boyfriend and I were both virgins when we met. He was 22 and I was 19. It only took a few weeks before we both felt comfortable with doing the deed but it was still special. We both wanted someone whom me loved to be our first, luckily that had already happened. We are both pretty communicative even with sex so it was not awkward nor degrading. I treasure my first time and I am glad I did not give it up whenever the chance presented itself.

  4. Anonymous says:
    Thu, 2nd Feb 20121:10 pm 

    I'm going to echo the laments of another post: thank you for this! I am also 22 and a virgin, and the anxiety you described is exactly why I remain one. Recently I began a new relationship and, though I haven't slept with him, on more than one occasion I have woken in the night feeling so sick with anxiety that I have made myself sick. I have always felt, especially after speaking with my friends, that this level of panic is abnormal, it's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one. Thanks again!

  5. collin says:
    Thu, 2nd Feb 20122:39 pm 

    Katie did you marry this guy? or just one night fuck?

  6. Anonymous says:
    Thu, 2nd Feb 20123:56 pm 

    Just mirroring a few other posts as a 22year old a few weeks from graduation, it's been something that's been on my mind a lot. This was so reassuring, just when I needed to hear it most. Thank you.

  7. dana says:
    Thu, 2nd Feb 20124:29 pm 

    Thank you so much for this post!

  8. Millie says:
    Thu, 2nd Feb 201211:24 pm 

    Thank you so much for writing this! I'm a senior, and I just recently lost my virginity to one of my best friends. Up until a few months ago, I was so ashamed for being so inexperienced; after all, I was the only one out of my little circle of friends who hadn't done the deed yet. That didn't contribute to my decision to hook up with him, of course. Like you, I waited for someone who I knew I could trust to be my first…it just so happens that it's a friend and not a guy that I'm in a real relationship with. This article makes me feel a lot better about my decision to wait. :)

  9. djnemec says:
    Fri, 3rd Feb 201212:23 am 

    As if there's no in-between?

  10. Elle says:
    Fri, 3rd Feb 201210:57 am 

    I love this post! I was 22 when I lost my virginity as well, to a guy I had been close friends with for 6 years before we started dating. Like most of the comments here, I was really anxious about the fact I had never done it (because all my friends had). I was terrified when I told him I hadnt done it before but he was really good about it. Its nice to see Im not the only one in this situation.

  11. Anonymous says:
    Fri, 3rd Feb 201211:04 pm 

    As everyone had said, thanks for writing the perfect article. Good to know there are people out there who have fun, but still understand the responsibility about having sex and not just going on a craze because everybody's doing it (a little pun to lighten the load). A really well-written piece, much appreciated.

  12. Ashley says:
    Mon, 6th Feb 20129:45 am 

    I lost my virginity when I was 19, and it's something I regret- probably my biggest regret in life thus far. I was remotely religious, but I believed that "it," should mean something and that I should be comfortable with the person I lost it to. I had a 2 year relationship with someone who never pressured me, and I loved him deeply- but when we broke up I was still a virgin. I made it through my Freshman year at college with only a few drunken nights of oral to be ashamed of…but I met a guy online, and within a day of meeting him, I somehow had sex with him. I was sober and knew what I was doing, but I felt a silent pressure…and sucuumbed to it. A part of me just wanted to get it over with, to just lose it, so I could relate to literally ALL of my female friends who had lost it way sooner.

    I regret it so much now, and every time I think about it I cry….WAIT FOR THE RIGHT GUY. Please, do it for yourself. You're worth the wait.

  13. Jojo says:
    Mon, 6th Feb 20128:28 pm 

    I loved this article. I am a senior and 22 and a virgin and it was just what I needed to hear. Thank you!

  14. @LostMyV says:
    Sat, 11th Feb 20129:52 am 

    Fabulous post. Our society's sexual rhetoric is definitively dysfunctional. I started a website called LostMyV (www.lostmyv.com) to talk about first sexual experiences and help de-taboo virginity and virginity loss. I think learning about other ppl's experiences (various ages, genders, sexual orientations, religious affiliations) is not only fascinating but helpful to everyone. Be it to come to terms with your experience or if you are still thinking about how/when/to whom to lose your virginity to – it can be therapeutic or helpful. Anyway, check it out and please share with us your thoughts. We'd love to know what you think! Again, thanks for the great article!

  15. Lisa says:
    Thu, 1st Mar 20122:31 am 

    Fantastic! I lost my virginity at 16, mostly because my friends were and I didn't want to be the last one!. Luckily, I am still with my high school sweetheart, but I can see how, and know of friends who've regretted it. As much as religion is being pushed away by society, I feel that some values that originated within it should still be in play.

  16. BeWise says:
    Wed, 7th Mar 20129:30 am 

    Good to know that there are people out there who think carefully about sex.

    I am a christian and have made up my mind to wait till I get married. The thought of giving something so precious away to someone who doesn’t deserve it terrifies me and imho the only man who will ever be worth it is my husband. I still regret my first kiss, i feel like I threw it to the pigs.

  17. BeWise says:
    Wed, 7th Mar 20129:43 am 

    to

  18. Pow says:
    Fri, 9th Mar 20129:25 pm 

    I tend to date guys older than me because they seem to be mentally level, but the issue of experience is definitely a hindrance. I am 22 years old and still a virgin. I haven't found someone that I am comfortable enough with to just let go with and its extremely difficult sometimes because I have desires just like everyone else. This article was very helpful!

  19. lol says:
    Wed, 14th Mar 20126:49 am 

    I greatly enjoyed your post Jasmine, you seem like a fairly intelligent writer.

    Anyways, I should say that this post pertains to women only. Should a man still be a virgin in his early 20's, that means there is something deftly wrong with him. That means he has no value because nobody else wants him.

    However, if a girl is a virgin… that means she's clean with a tight pussy.

  20. faithbond777 says:
    Sat, 31st Mar 20123:36 pm 

    Hey, I'm waiting to loose my virginity….help….

    faithbond777.wordpress.com

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