Roseanne For President in 2012!

By Ashley

Guess what! Roseanne Barr (yes, that crazy nut) is officially running for president! Yep, the woman who can’t even sing the national anthem wants to be the President of the United States of America. She’s said some pretty insane things in the past. Looking at them again now, I can’t even imagine how funny her presidential speech would be. While I would never, ever vote for her, I kind of want her to go a little further with this just so I can see the mess that would be her campaign. What policies would she even implement? Well, in honor of Roseanne running for president, here are a few quotes that kinda make me scared of the answer…

“And if they are unable to live on that amount of that amount then they should, you know, go to the re-education camps and if that doesn’t help, then being beheaded.”

Take a wild guess what she’s talking about here: taxing the rich. So, basically, according to Roseanne, if the rich feel they can’t live off their incomes after paying taxes, they should have their heads chopped off…interesting, Roseanne.

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” 

So…does Roseanne have Chronic Premenstrual Syndrome Syndrome? Yeah, I made up that syndrome but you get the point.

“I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.”

Why do I imagine Roseanne riding on her vacuum, chasing her neighbors and yelling? Sears, don’t do it. Please. Have mercy.

“Denver has built concentration camps to hold protesters during the [Democratic National] convention.”

Where is she getting this from? I mean, really, how does someone come up with this? I frequently wish I was creative enough to make funny/witty tweets, but this takes craziness creativity to a whole new level.

“And have you ever asked a fat person for directions? Cause that is when the difference in thinking really shows, y’know.”

Yeah, Roseanne, because fat people give different directions than skinny people. Right, got it. So does the freshman fifteen affect my sense of direction? Maybe that’s why I suddenly forgot how to get to my French class…not.

“Now there’s greedy corporate mutha fu*kers are threatening my chocolate supply! This is my radicalising moment. I will not remain silent one second longer. I now call for Jihad! I don’t want to live in a world without chocolate! Stop the madness! Stop, the madness.”

She’s talking about how, in tearing down the rain forest for beef farming, the cacao trees will also be torn down with it. I don’t quite know what a “chocolate jihad” would entail but I’d be curious to see what Roseanne does with this…I wonder if her first order of business as president would be to wage war to save the world’s chocolate supply.

“Mommy is the only person in this family allowed to be on drugs! Mommy is all that is successful, and has earned the right to be drunk or on drugs or a raving fucking maniac if she so chooses.”

Ahh, so there’s the explanation for her craziness. Now all these quotes make sense, right?

Ashley is a freshman at George Washington University and she’s majoring in Overanalyzing Situations and International Affairs. Follow her on twitter @ashleybrooks25

[Flag image via Rudy Balasko/Shutterstock]