Cosmo Says The Darndest Things: March Edition

Cosmo is two for two the past couple months for putting another barely-legal star on the cover. Please tell me it’s not awkward to see Selena Gomez next to the words “Your Orgasm Guaranteed!” I like to pretend Selena doesn’t know what an orgasm is, and I do think Cosmo is naïve if they are expecting that little girls won’t bypass the raunchy cover stories just to get their hands on some more Selena memorabilia. But besides 12 year olds learning how to have their best orgasm, readers can also hope to discover “Why Guys Love It When You Bite Your Lip,” the “3 Things He Doesn’t Have to Know” and the moment I literally laughed out loud, “The Butt Facial: Yeah, We Know, But It’ll Make Yours Silky Smooth” – so if you’re keeping score, put another tally in the “unnecessary grooming” category.

After flipping past what seemed like 50 pages of ads, I stumbled across an article called, “Letting Him Take The Lead.” I’m not a feminist, I’m not even close to being a feminist, but this just irks me. The article insists that guys are wired to want to protect their loved ones. Trust me, I’m on board for a little masculine protection, but when I’m consciously letting him “take the lead” to “feel more like a man,” I think that’s crossing a line. Cosmo’s tip: Let him fight for your vodka soda. My tip: Get the vodka soda yourself; make him want to protect you, not run your errands. Is ordering a drink really all that terrifying?

In a giant section called, “101 Things About Men,” I came to realize that if my guy is a “boobs” guy he is supposed to be more adventurous in bed and “doesn’t judge when it comes to sex.” On the flipside if your man is an “ass man” he’s more likely to be an alpha male because your backside is one of the more primal body parts, because that’s how the rest of the animal kingdom mates? I’m not making this stuff up. And now I’m stuck singing Bloodhound Gang’s “The Bad Touch” in my head. Thanks Cosmo. You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals…

And for the goods this month? “50 Hot Sex Tips” that sound dangerously close to the hot sex tips they had last month, and the month before, and the month before that!

Cosmo says:  “Coat your tongue with honey, and take a sip of hot tea or water. Then go down on him until the honey dissolves. This creates a warm, velvety sensation that he’ll never forget.”
Molly says: Yeah, I always wanted to be remembered as the girl who gave my guy’s dick third degree burns.

Cosmo says: “Try this kinky trick: Color your nipples with a crazy-colored lipstick, like sparkly purple. Bonus points if it’s yummy. He’ll love the shocking, sexy change in scenery.”
Molly says: Better yet, draw a bull’s-eye on your belly with a sign that says AIM HERE.

Cosmo says: “Go down on him when he’s asleep. He’ll wake up midblow hard than ever and ready to go. This leads to some ridiculously hot nooky.”
Molly says: While I’d love to perform this act on a guy, my biggest thing is like, what if he startles awake and chokes me with his junk, or accidentally slaps me. It’s a reoccurring nightmare, honestly.

Molly is slowly dying inside because she stupidly decided to take on a triple major in English, Journalism and Broadcasting at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Yes, we have electricity; no I don’t live on a farm. Follow my Midwestern ramblings @mahannah410 on twitter.



    1. Sophia says:

      "Yeah, I always wanted to be remembered as the girl who gave my guy’s dick third degree burns." I almost burst out laughing when reading this! Note to self: Don't read in class hahaha

    2. Shelby says:

      The lipstick thing was actually printed? It really sounds like it would've come from here:

      If you guys haven't read this, you are missing out so much.

    3. laurenturtonphotography says:

      I was totally weirded out seeing Selena next to the words 50 Sex Tips. Too young.

      Lauren Turton

      1. Kate says:

        It was weird seeing Dakota Fanning on the cover last month too- enough with the barely legal cover girls, Cosmo!

      2. KenniBakes says:

        She is 19, she just has eternal baby face syndrome.

    4. Katie Garrity - North Central College says:

      The whole go down on him while he's asleep thing…I don't really see that working out. From my experience with guys I've dated in the past, they wake up violently sometimes in hot sweats. I imagine myself getting thrown off the bed in a wake-up fiasco.

    5. Cara says:

      You're not a feminist? So you don't think men and women are equal?

      1. Molly - UNL says:

        I really didn't want to comment on any of these. Yes I believe in equal rights, of course I do. I don't consider myself what modern society has turn the word "feminist" into. There is a difference between the two. I can't be the only one who's aware of the stigma "man-hater" or "lesbian" and I don't necessarily agree with the Butler/Steinem philosophy, but I totally believe in equal rights. I don't think that makes me a feminist. Like the commenter below stated, if I don't feel I belong in a group please don't try and put me there.

      2. Lexi says:

        I'm not going to try to tell you what to label yourself, but just because there is a stigma attached to the word "feminist" does not mean that is an accurate representation of what feminism is. There are extremists in every group that make the group as a whole look bad, and it's up to the group to fight that negative image. I genuinely hope that the main reason you choose not to identify as a feminist isn't because you're afraid of being thought of as a man-hating, angry lesbian because I can tell you that feminists look and act in all sorts of different ways. What binds them together is a belief in gender equality.

      3. neat says:

        Oh my god you guys need to calm down! It's just a blog! She wasn't calling out feminists she was just saying that she is not all "I am woman hear me roar", you dont need to take everything so seriously.

    6. flipflop says:

      "Is ordering a drink really that terrifying?" HAHA good point

    7. Brenda says:

      If you think women should have the same rights and opportunities as men, you are a feminist.

    8. Deb says:

      just because you believe in equal rights doesn't mean you're a feminist, it simply means that you believe in equal rights.

      i would never consider myself a feminist, but that doesn't mean i don't think men and women should not have equal rights.

      how you label yourself is personal, don't take it upon yourself to subject a person to a certain group or label just because you think it's the right thing.

    9. Deb says:

      just because you believe in equal rights doesn't mean you're a feminist, it simply means that you believe in equal rights.

    10. Elizabeth says:

      "I’m not a feminist, I’m not even close to being a feminist, but this just irks me."

      What's wrong with being a feminist?
      From Merriam-Webster:

      Definition of FEMINISM

      : the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes

      Really? You aren't even close to believing in the above?

    11. Maisie says:

      It’s a shame you conflate “man hater” and “lesbian” with feminism. It’s a shame that the ground work that women your mother’s age and older have done so young women such as yourself can be sassy and loud and speak your mind has not been respected. There is no one way to “do” feminism. You don’t have to label yourself of course, but why let a narrow view of feminism, the delightful easy shot of “man hater” colour your view. I was directed here from “The Frisky”. I would say the feminism on that site is very positive and fun, but uncompromising when it needs to be. Just like the best feminists…

    12. Molly - UNL says:

      On the topic of feminism/being a feminist:

      First of all, I think this is being blown a little bit out of proportion. Had I know it was going to be this big of a deal I would have chosen my words a little more carefully. OBVIOUSLY I believe in equal rights for men and women – I'm calling Cosmo out, and telling them that I can get my own dang vodka soda without anyone's help. That being said – where I'm from calling yourself a feminist has a pretty negative connotation, and being a fun, sassy, independent woman is called something COMPLETELY different. That obviously isn't true in other places. When people where I'm from say "feminist" they mean man-hating, and a bunch of other really awful words that I don't want to associate with.Yes, I agree, that IS sad. If it had a different connotation here I would have no problem tacking that word onto my name. I feel like I've defended myself enough in multiple comments so I would appreciate it if you would all just drop it now. I said what I said, I can't take it back, so berate me all you want but THAT'S why I said it.

    13. Michelle says:

      Great article and creative bio! I'm an English major so I can relate to what you wrote in your bio. Don't worry – you'll make it through all the reading that college brings! Keep up the great writing quality! I appreciated the humorous aspects of this article.

    14. CanadianGirl says:

      The more non-radical feminists identify themselves as feminists, the faster the connotations will change. The content of this article (other than you explicitly saying that you're not) IS feminist. I'm not putting you into a group, but your ideals and values based on this article are feminist. I wish more girls were educated on what feminism actually is. Putting all feminists into the crazy man-hating category is like saying all Muslims are terrorists (which they aren't, obviously). It's an over-generalization that simply isn't true.

    15. Miriam says:

      I would say that the bigger problem with going down on someone who's asleep is that it's rape…

      Unless you obtain consent beforehand.

    16. Joyce says:

      Recently, I've been buying Cosmo like twice a year because I'm fed up with all the barely legal celebrities they are talking about; I just buy special editions and their yearly horoscope. I'm 24 freaking years old; I do not care about Selena Gomez (nor about her Canadian boytoy), and the only movie by Dakota Fanning that's worth a darn is The Runaways.

      However, I do agree that guys that are more into asses are alfa males.

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