Maxim Says the Darndest Things: March Edition

By Molly Mahannah

Oh, Maxim. You make it so easy to laugh at you. Today, when purchasing this month’s Maxim, I was charged like six dollars. I paid six freaking dollars for a 30-page magazine full of naked women. With that kind of price I’m not sure how Maxim is still in business. I mean, porn is mostly free now. Anyway, they made their cover a little interactive this month with a busty blonde in a trench coat with flaps, and when you open the flaps – BAM! She’s throwing open her coat to reveal a very skimpy Americana themed Bikini. Every guy’s dream girl. Also, in tiny print beneath her legs reads the tagline “This issue is 75% pants-free.” Well, good…because who likes pants? I don’t.

Other winners in this month’s Maxim are Nascar’s Smokin’ Hot Cope Twins and the hometown hottie Dominique (who also is their cover girl) is the “Sexiest Thing in America.” It literally says “thing.” Not “girl,” but “thing.” I believe that’s all I need to say on that issue.

I don’t know if you’re aware, and by aware I mean can-look-past-the-half-naked-women, but Maxim prints jokes every issue! Grandpa’s Dirty Joke this month, “Two girls are drinking at a bar. One says, ‘If I have another drink, I’m going to feel it.’ The friend replies, ‘If I have another I don’t care who feels it.” Honestly, and this is probably hypocritical of me, I was kind of expecting the jokes to be raunchier. I mean, it’s Maxim for Pete’s sake! Maxim also sings praises for my favorite movie, Bridesmaids, in their own little version of The Maxim Oscars. My favorite quote, “Anyone who uses the movie to start a debate about ‘Are Women as funny as men?’ needs to be punched in the face, ideally by Kristin Wiig.” Well took you long enough, Maxim. We’re hilarious.

My personal favorite though, was hearing from the Sexiest THING in America (no, I’m not over that yet). The pictures in her spread were wonderful, a shot of her using American flags to cover her hoo-has and another one of her looking significantly less chesty trying to deep throat a hot dog. The writers at Maxim asked her some wonderful questions. Her answers? Not so great. I personally like mine better, but maybe I’m biased.

Maxim says: Congrats on being our fist Hometown Hottie cover girl!
Dominque says: I found out I’d won five days before I graduated college and thought I couldn’t get better news.

Molly says: Well, obviously. Maxim cover > college education. I bet that hot dog picture would look excellent on a resume.

Maxim asks: Is there anyone you’d like to meet during your reign?
Dominique says: Howard Stern! I just admire him.

Molly says: The raunchy radio talk show guy? Really? If you could meet one person, you’d pick freakin’ Howard Stern. Is he even socially relevant anymore?

Maxim asks: Do you go for a specific type of guy?
Dominique says: I like guys who aren’t afraid to get dirty.

Molly says: Somehow, I am not at all surprised by this answer. Nice double entendre Dominique. Very, very clever…

Molly is slowly dying inside because she stupidly decided to take on a triple major in English, Journalism and Broadcasting at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Yes, we have electricity; no I don’t live on a farm. Follow my Midwestern ramblings @mahannah410 on twitter.