Ask A Dude: Am I Using Him or Is He Using Me?
I moved to a new city not too long ago after graduating college. I met a boy immediately after getting here and we really hit it off. That same week, we ended up fooling around pretty heavily, but when I admitted I was a virgin, he started to back away. He contacted me frequently via phone, but we never really got together again — that is, until this past week. We don’t have anything really in common, but we both have the same kissing/sexual style and it just really works for us. However, I’m not about to lose my virginity to him just because we’re good in bed together otherwise. I don’t want to break it off either because I really enjoy our time together. I know that I’m just using him because he’s really good at what I like to do, but I know eventually he wants more. He’s even admitted to doing this for the same reasons I am, only that he also wants to have sex. Am I allowed to keep this going until it gets to that point, or am I just using him? He’s using me, too, so it’s all fair, right?
Virgin just looking for fun
Dear Virgin just looking for fun,
I was once accused of using a girl for sex. Then I pointed out we weren’t having any…and that she was initiating. The whole thing ended more amicably than you might think. Regardless, the moral is that when it comes to having a relationship for the sex, the waters can (though, not always) get murky pretty fast.
I have to say that I love the lines of communication being this open between you two. That’s a good place to start. He wants what you want. Except he wants a bit more than you want to give. And that’s really where the problem comes into play and that’s not a problem that’s going to go away. It will fester. It will grow. It will become really unappealing and probably end things, possibly in an ugly vein. Onto the bigger concept of using people for sex…
You know what you need in common to have a relationship? This: “I want to f*ck you.” “I want to f*ck you, too!” Cue the clip of a train going through the tunnel followed by fireworks exploding. 99% of relationships are based on physical attraction. Don’t get me wrong, the attraction can be aided by an emotional connection or intellectual stimulation, or any number of other things. But if the physical’s missing, forget it. Cynical? Maybe. True? Depends on how much you want to admit to yourself.
A lot of relationships are physically based and physically sustained. You get something out of it and he gets something out of it. So, they have a shorter shelf life or they require some serious boundaries to continue for years. What’s the harm? None. Until one of you gets tired, bored or wants more. Of course using someone for sex isn’t “nice” and is considered morally “unethical.” Does it happen anyway? OH, HELL YEAH! Does that make it right? No…shucks (maybe it does and we’re just an evolved enough society?). But right or wrong doesn’t change the fact such things do exist. Sometimes something more grows out of them and often times the relationships fizzle out when one or both realize there’s nothing supporting them but orgasms.
It all comes back to having that one thing in common. Right now, you do and you don’t. You want to keep hooking up, minus the actual act of vaginal intercourse. He wants to “stick it in you” (just imagine that line said by John Malkovich with a Russian accent, delicious). You’ve reached an impasse. I wouldn’t break it off because you’re just using him for hooking up. I would break it off because you’ve reached as far as you can go down this road together. But hey, drag it out guilt-free if you want. No reason not to, but you can expect a lot more messiness the longer it does go on.
Relationships, even physical ones, evolve into more than what they begin as. You take it to the next level, then to the level after that, and then the level after that until you reach the level where it becomes absolutely necessary for you to leave! Sounds like you’re almost there.
“I’ll have what she’s having,”
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]