Sexy Time: No, You Can’t Blow My Back Out
So I was listening to the (justifiably) uber-controversial extended mix of “Birthday Cake” by Rihanna and Chris Brown today. Luckily, a Breezy-free remix has been floating around Tumblr for the last day, so I am mostly able to enjoy this delightfully raunchy tune for what it is – a celebration of a lady receiving oral sex. Of course I can support this. However, I ended up being distracted by one line in particular – “Put a candle on my back, baby, blow it.” In other words, she wants someone to blow her back out, one of the most popular euphemisms for aggressive sex. This joins a list of other terms — such as “smash”, “bang”, “hit it”, “pound”, and a slew of others — as acceptable ways to describe intercourse.
I admit, I am no stranger to playfully talking about hitting it (and then quitting it) with friends, and usually, I can hear these things and not even give it a second thought. But in the last few days, especially in light of the Chris Brown circlejerks and the subsequent backlash, violence, and our society’s perception and reaction to it has been on my mind. To keep it as succinct as possible – the way that violent language has been normalized by society is a direct reflection and constant reaffirmation of our society’s cavalier response to violence against women. No, I don’t think that just because someone says they want to smash means they condone beating up a woman, but no one lives in a vacuum. The fact that such phrases have caught on en masse and are used so casually is the problem.
I’m not against aggressive, consensual sex by any stretch of the imagination, but it makes me uncomfortable that in some ways, this has become our default way of talking about sex. It’s such a crass and un-nuanced way to express one’s desire, and while there is a time and a place for that, I don’t think it should dominate the discourse. There’s something to be said about talking about your sexual interest with someone using terms that indicate that you acknowledge the other person is more than just an orifice designed just for your pleasure, that you understand that sex is a two-way street, and using words that don’t make you sound like a reject Jersey Shore cast-member.
[Lead image via Yuri Arcurs/Shutterstock]