Diary of the Undateable: You Talkin’ to Me?

February 24, 2012 5:00 pm     Posted in Advice, Relationships  Khalea - Howard University g+ page


By Khalea

On my university’s campus, seeing a (seemingly) happy couple walking hand in hand across our Yard is as rare as a Blue Ivy sighting. Undergrad lovin’ is a sketchy subject – partly because of our crappy male-female ratio, but mostly because no one knows how to define a relationship. We’re always talking about them, though.

Last week as I waited in an office to get my résumé revised, I chatted with some old coworkers. I posed a simple question: How was your Valentine’s Day?

Everyone had different stories – the girl with the long distance boyfriend, the guy with multiple Valentines (one for the morning, day and night!), my friend with a guy who isn’t her boyfriend (yet) and Magz. Magz told me about a cutesy date with a girl that she’d been ‘talking to’ for a while. I noticed that she avoided using the term ‘girlfriend,’ though.

“I know she’s not involved with anyone else. I’m not really interested in anyone else, either,” she explained to me.

So doesn’t that make them official? And couldn’t she just say so?

Not so much.

My office pals informed me that there are several distinct phases before one enters a relationship. There’s flirting, talking, dating and Facebook.

Read on and be enlightened, young grasshoppers.

When you flirt with someone, you’re getting to know them. This usually involves texting back and forth. Magz said that the biggest indicator of a potential who wants to talk to you is them initiating conversation. For example, she met her current homie/lover/friend in class. They were working on a project, and the convo went from history to hubba hubba in a matter of days.

After ‘flirting’ comes ‘talking.’ This is the make it or break it phase. The talking phase may begin with a good morning text and end with you both falling asleep on the phone that night…if you’re special enough to get a call. Conversational skills are crucial here. There’s nothing more annoying than the one word text: Hey. ’Sup? Cool. Kay. STOP.

Once you cross the ‘talking’ threshold, you advance to ‘dating.’ Like actual face-to-face interaction. My mind was blown when I found out that some people delve into dating without going through the talking phase – plenty of my friends pick up guys at the most random places and have something set up for the next weekend. Apparently, the ‘real’ way, according to my ex-coworkers, is to establish a connection before cocktails. And then dating brings up the issue of exclusivity. Should you pawn in other potentials for just the one? I guess that depends on personal preference.

However, you definitely have to be exclusive in order to receive Facebook status. When your relationship status on Facebook changes, you know it’s real. You’re claiming your new boo in front of Zuckerberg, your friends, family and the Facebook creeps in the corner. If that isn’t romance, I don’t know what is.

Flirting and dating and texting and talking…oh, my. The dating world and its titles is way too complicated for me.

CollegeCandy, how do you define your relationships?

6 Comments on "Diary of the Undateable: You Talkin’ to Me?"

  1. Anonymous says:
    Fri, 24th Feb 20125:54 pm 

    Personally, I don't think the talking phase is always necessary. Unless it's face-to-face that is. Otherwise, I think you could get a false impression of really liking someone and then grow feelings really fast only to find out when you're actually dating that you don't click that well. I think that's the problem with the flirting phase too. When you're texting someone, they might seem so perfect and so into you, when in real life that's not the case.

  2. howtofindaguy says:
    Sat, 25th Feb 20121:53 pm 

    Great post! you inspired my newest post on my blog about the step 3.5. It seems to be an epidemic. Anyways, I always look forward to your posts because they seem to reflect what I've found through my own dating adventures and I can't wait for more.

  3. Vanessa Taylor says:
    Sat, 25th Feb 201210:32 pm 

    Hey College Candy! Great post — presents a lot of great topics for discussion. Nice job.

    I'm Vanessa Taylor, author of Text. Love. Power. (available on Amazon) and dating coach. I would define a relationship as when a man tells you that he doesn't want you to see anyone else. Anything else in between is too murky and not defined. Hence, you should be dating others until he makes his intentions VERY clear. Until then, you owe him nothing.

  4. UAwildcats says:
    Sun, 26th Feb 20121:33 am 

    I totally agree with these steps for becoming into a monogamous exclusive relationship, however in college there are more relationships than just monogamous and exclusive relationships, especially in college! Although there are about as many different types of relationships as there are people, here are just a few different types of the most common relationships:
    The oh so common "hook up buddy" or more derogatory term of "f@%# buddy" is when you occasionally talk during daylight hours but mostly to arrange hook ups. You don't go on dates but do see each other sober and have consistent and hopefully good sex.
    Then there is the "booty call" that every college student has had at one point or another. "Booty calls" don't talk unless drunk and after 1am. The "booty call" is normally the person or person's you text when you don't meet anyone attractive at any of the parties you have been to that night or you have struck out with the attractive ones and want to do the mattress rumba with someone. This is someone you have hooked up with in the past but its not good enough to move that person into "hook up buddy" status.
    And then there is the "cuddle buddy", which can often be mistaken for a "hook up buddy" but is very different. This person is someone you do text occasionally and hook up with, but it is not purely physical. After hooking up there is a great deal of cuddling and you when scoping out parties you can't help but compare every person that is a potential hook up of the night to them. This is someone you either consciously or subconsciously know that you want monogamy with this person but you don't want to ruin and potentially loose them by bringing it up.
    The last common one is the "one night stand". This is a person you meet the night of and within hours you two are doing the tango between the sheets. This person's attractiveness is normally inversely proportional with how much you have drinkin and how late it is in the night. After hooking up there is minimal cuddling and there is little to no interaction after that night. The best is when there is awkward run into's on campus.

  5. Lisa says:
    Sun, 25th Mar 201212:14 pm 

    Funny. I go to Howard too, and I as well as almost all of y friends are in committed relationships lol

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