GQ Says the Dardnest Thigns: February Edition

By Molly Mahannah

Maybe I’m just cynical because it was just Valentine’s Day, but Michelle Williams is practically nude on the cover of February’s GQ. I’m totally aware this is a magazine for men, but jeez-a-lou, she’s literally only wearing a bra and panties. Don’t get me wrong, she looks great, and props to GQ for catching my attention, but I was surprised her wearing such little clothing. GQ’s other cover stories are, “The Clothes That Get A Man Noticed” and “The Lust List”. It seems that GQ’s main goal for February is to get their readers laid.

In one of the first articles I flipped through in this month’s GQ was really sound advice about how to properly tuck in a shirt. I feel like if guys haven’t figured this out by the time they’re old enough to read GQ, then they might have bigger problems at hand. However, social issues aside, GQ suggests that nothing says sexy quite like “going commando” up top, and letting your inner 70’s porn-star out by not wearing an undershirt under a button up. I like the idea, sure, but I’m not really excited about seeing some nasty curls coming out of the top of a guys shirt.

In an article that no body cares about, GQ talks about the top four dogs that have the least chance of being “best in show” at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show. I’m serious, why am I supposed to care about this. I mean, I love dogs. I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the idea that I plan to be a crazy dog lady someday and die alone, but even I don’t give a crap about these random dog breeds that are too obscure to even pronounce correctly. I think GQ is stretching for something to print.

In a wonderful article entitled “Dinner, Movie, and a Dirty Sanchez” GQ offers a woman the chance to describe her dating etiquette.

GQ Says: Porn used to be the poor man’s substitution for sex; now the latter has to be gussied up with facials and ball gags to be even half as enticing as porn.

Molly says: You are SO COMPLETELY RIGHT GQ. I cannot count the times that a guy has tried a move with me he saw in a dirty movie, and I’ve been like WOAH.

GQ Says: “[Why watch a video of a guy] simply orgasming inside someone, which was the goal of every dude for zillions of years.”

Molly says: True dat. I’m curious how the appeal of a facial became popular. Because, it really just becomes a sticky mess. Not that I would know first hand or anything…

GQ Says: “If I want you to come in a place that isn’t the biologically designated area, I will make it known.”

Molly says: Yes. Seriously ladies, if a guy doesn’t give you at LEAST a courtesy nod to the white mess that’s about to happen I think you need to have a talk. Nothing is more surprising than an overly ambitious appendage.