[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
I started college this year, and I live in an all freshmen honors dorm. I met a guy who lives on my floor. He is adorable, funny, nerdy, sweet, a bit arrogant and I love being around him. Even better, we have a thousand things in common, and we are in the same major, which is a relatively small department. We’re gonna know each other for the rest of our college years whether I like it or not. Which I do.
Considering I’ve liked him for a few months, I put on my big girl panties and told him how I felt. He told me he is gay. F*ck. F*ck. F*ck. And yeah, this has happened to me before. He’s been unsure about his decision, but if he is, then he has every right to be what makes him happy. We’ve had deep conversations about it, and I want nothing more for him to be happy. Strangely, we spend most of our time with one another. We talk to each other about our issues. Hell, I’ve had people point out to me we’d be an amazingly cute couple…Every time I analyze my current situation, I think, “Fuck, if this isn’t a relationship, what is?”
It has been a few weeks since I told him how I felt, and at this point we are best friends. But my feelings haven’t changed. They’ve gotten a little stronger. I don’t know how to kick my attraction to him, and I feel like he is taking advantage of the way I feel at this point. I’ve become head-over-heels for a guy who is perfect for me but doesn’t want me, because I don’t have a penis. I don’t know what to do. I honestly feel like his being gay is a phase, and if I hold out, he’ll realize we can be amazing together. I want to get over him. I’m sick of helping him try to find someone he can be happy with and being miserable doing it. I feel selfish and cruel, but completely justified.
The World’s Finest Masochist
Dear The World’s Finest Masochist,
Congratulations on your streak. It’s momentous to fall for one guy who reveals himself to be gay, more than one is worth recognition. It sounds like you need to get a new gay-dar. Instincts aside, you’re in a pickle, and there’s no talking your way out of it.
A guy doesn’t say he’s gay to test the waters. If he says he’s gay or bi, then he’s gay or bi. Doesn’t matter if you don’t want to believe it. Doesn’t matter if you think he’s going through a phase. If that’s what he says he is and is acting accordingly, then you’ve got respect it and back the heck off.
You can hope he comes around to you, or you could try to move a bridge by thinking it. One’s as likely as the next. You can’t “turn” him, and to continue tormenting yourself as you’ve been doing is a choice you’re only going to continue to regret. Worse, it’s going to hurt your chances of getting into a functional relationship in the near future.
You’re closing yourself off to a lot of possibilities by strapping yourself to something that’s a pipe dream. You can continue to abuse your own feelings and allow him to take advantage of them, or you can put your big girl panties back on and make a big girl decision: move the f*ck on.
People get into unhealthy situations. People also get themselves out of them. You’re more than capable of backing off now. Do it. Put some distance, and you’ve all the permission by the power invested in me by the wisdom of The Doctor and The Intersect to be as up front with him as you want.
Let him know the score: 2 balls to none. The friendship is making your feelings for him stronger, you feel taken advantage of, you value his friendship, but it’s not fair to you to continue to be fawning over someone who cannot possibly reciprocate your feelings.
Crush the crush or continue getting crushed.
Masochism clashes with happiness,
Dude Eye For The Straight Girl